The Cardamom Peeler's Wife

so funny to remember myself to myself

2010-07-13T22:43:00.002-07:00

Wow, I haven't been on this blog for nearly 3 years and it is so funny to read my old posts and remember myself to myself.

I had such a hard time settling into married life and losing part of my identity - I really fought it, I can see that now - at the time it seemed the only way to keep breathing.

All these years on - I have given up my carrier to all extents and purposes; I'm consulting from home, earning money, planning on getting pregnant and life revolves around the boy finishing his PhD successfully and happily. There are no more questions (or even angst) about going where its best for him and by default, best for us as a family.

On his part, I think he's come to feel incomplete in life without me around.

How bizarre! I still miss work in Brussels and realize that two paths faced me and I clearly chose 1 over the other - and who knows which was the "best", except that in the end, whatever the path you choose - it has to be plowed and planted with roses. The amount of work put into life is the same and if you do it properly, one can always be happy.

I feel happy. I also feel ready for another stage of life in terms of work and what I want from work. I want time - time is of great importance. I want to enjoy more than just my work during my day.

And as I've aged, so have all the others around me - slowly making peace with our worlds.

Victoria's oh so boring Secret and my oh so boring Syndrome

2008-07-12T15:16:00.003-07:00

Last week I found out that I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome. I sort of knew I did...but I sort of forgot, after being diagnosed of it over 15 years ago and having been on the pill for so many years, that it all seemed a distant memory.

I was surprised on how this news knocked me - basically, because 15 years ago, it just meant going on the pill. Now, at age 33 and counting, it means a propensity towards diabetes, a number of physical symptoms (hair loss, acne, heavy periods, weight gain etc)and (what really took the wind out of my sails), a likely chance of infertility.

So, in feeling distinctly unfeminine, because as we PCOS sufferers know (we have our own purple and blue band to wear to show solidarity), what our body is really doing is producing more testosterone than necessary, I stopped of at Victori's Secret on my way home from the doctor's.

And boy, was I disappointed - and the only secret I seemed to be sharing in was how sad that this is what the country has come to, that underwear is purely functional, all padded with foam bras, only whispers of lace, and dishwater colours? And as I stood around the browns, blacks and whites (bras that is, without a saucy red or raunchy fuschia, or even a slinky purple in sight), I realised that like the badly made, terribly boring, underwear (NOT lingerie, this really can't be called lingerie), I was bieng confronted with, my own news was, well, kinda dull and boring. To get depressed over the lack of cute and sexy bra-panty sets was equivalent to getting depressed about my ovaries over-producing boy hormones - life and choices were still available to me and I just had to pull myself out of my funk.

Now, a few days on a I feel a lot better. Fertilitiy shermtility...as a child, I always imagined adopting, because I felt there was some unspoken vanity in believing your offspring could be better than others, just based on gene combos. And I've always been resentful that I have this biological clock ticking over me - in fact a possibility of infertility sets me free in a funny way. If there is any vanity I may flirt with in terms of children, its in the rearing vs the bearing. I would like to think my children will grow up balanced and caring of the earth and others, animals included.

As for the derth of sexy knickers available in VS, I'm consoled my self with thinking I can stock up on my upcoming euro-trip...and the knowledge, that like fertility, I can finally free myself of VS and its pink stuffed ponies - hopefully moving on to bigger and better things.

Mugabe, heat waves, euro 2008, joy and mango ice cream

2008-06-25T18:05:00.007-07:00

1. Mugabe: why or why can't we get him out. The hypocrisy of the SA gvt, (well Mbeki, really, because even that thug Zuma has spoken out against the ex-knight) urging the west (read ex-colonials) to stay away has filled me with anger - where would the anti-apartheid movement have gone if the rest of the world (read ex-colonial powers) hadn't boycotted SA - thanks to popular pressure. What happened to "gimme hope Jo'anna", huh? The 400 poor opposition folks congregating around the SA embassy in Harare should start doing that pretty soon...

Let's just give a shout out the union folks in SA, who did stand up, and who refused to unload the Chinese ship, caring arms to Mugabe.

2. Heat waves - OMG!! My bus is packed these days with ex-car drivers who realized that gas prices are just going to keep going up...of course bus ethics will have to be taught to this new generation...but now with the days blasting heat, all the AC in the world can't get rid of that good ol' body odour of public transport. At least most folks use deodorant in the US ...I don't mean to say anything snide about anti-anti-perspirant societies...well, I can't really, because it is hard to talk and hold your nose at the same time and breath out of your mouth.

I'm happy the sun is continuously out in LA, but on Sat, after a marathon (and may we say, very successful) trip to Ikea in Burbank (which is in the Valley and is literally, half a world away from our West LA hood), I told the boy flat out that I couldn't wait for the monsoons to hit. Sadly, there won't be any monsoons, and probably not even a shower or two - yes, you heard be correctly, after years in London, Vancouver and Brussels, I am asking and praying for rain. I know, I'm sick.

3. Euro Cup 2008 Semi Finals. Was at gym. Was mesmerized. Wished for Turkey victory so badly. Was too chicken to cheer for them with all the LA-Armenians around. Result: loss for Turkey, great day off for all the German auto workers. Beers and bratwurst all round - with extra pork!

4. JOY - my friend joy should be performing in Istanbul right now...but no, no I'm actually talking about the total joy of working from home, not doing that damn commute, not being stressed out by work (though I'm in a new campaign - already - and leading it supposedly), getting to go the gym, cooking dinner etc.

Made me realize I HAVE to start looking now for something new for post Sept. Though, staying at the might, mighty union will allow me to work on the Obama campaign and get paid in October...that vs general well being, joy and sanity...hmmmm...and of course my crush on Obama...

5. A recipe from my mother-in-law for mango ice cream (for those of you who just love mango or have your own damn heat wave):

1 cup Mango puree ( canned mango pulp from Indian Store)
1 carton Cool Whip
1 can condensed milk
1 can evaporated milk.
Mix the above, freeze a few hrs!!

Eat and be lifted to the Mango ice cream heaven.

An Eighties Song for Every Moment of Life

2008-05-09T22:56:00.007-07:00

Work is intense and low-wage member do not equal glamour (which, I admittedly I got a taste of in Brussels - between crazy dinners with Azeri generals, to rating embassy cocktail parties with S, to well, travel on an international level and drinking in bars in the shadow of the EU parliament).

But, sometime there is a shiny little piece of gold in every trawl...in this particular case it is working with a really funny guy, a young progressive, straight, meat eating, alchohol drinking, South Asian male, with a cool masters, who is considered by many as a unicorn (ie., such a rarity, a creature only legend talks of). No sexual tension - don't worry - very, very sister/brother. It's just that I realize he is of a special breed...

He cracks me up on a daily basis and has an 80s song for every dull / painful / exhausting moment of the day. And we three other researchers (older white, vietnamese-american and south asian women) love him to bits, 'cos frankly, the 80s are our time, and we would sing its songs if we could (1) sing as well; and (2) remember the lyrics.

It has been a long, long time that someone has made me laugh this way... and it feels good to be in a work space where I feel comfortable and can be myself. It was what I really wanted from my LA job- knowing that of all the things I was leaving behind in Brussels, that is what I would miss the most.

So, thank you to the universe for making that happen. When I finish a long day at work in downtown LA, and head home to the white west-side for some good wine and an episode of LOST, or when I think about about our membership, whose life is truly shit in so many ways, and realise how different and lovely my immigrant story is, or when I wonder, how the F**K did I end up in LA of all places, I think "lets hear it for the boy":-) And I mean, my boy.

On a bloody daily basis I sing"she works hard for the money" and my actual theme song: Morning Train (9 to5) by Sheana Easton, which starts "I wake up every morning and stumble out of bed, a stretching and yawning.." you get the picture.

In essence, I'd like to thank the 80s for music, memories and well, so much more that shouldn't really be posted (I was 13 in 1988...)

As a child of that era, certain songs just trigger deep, deep memories. If forced to name a top 10 based on my feelings right now and my exhaustion (and old age), I'd go for:

1. Lady in Red (makes me cry for a particular moment- dancing with Clayton the best dancer I have ever had the pleasure of dancing with)

2. Hotel California (makes me wonder at the bravery of being young - Indian ocean breeze and bandra)

3. Chain Reaction (reminds me of my one and only crush - Stewart Gordon and at the same time my first and only pet Sooty, the black magical cat)

4.Billie Jean (sitting on the swings in Neptune, Gisy and I arguing over the meaning and quoting older sources - Cheryl etc.)

5. Wake me up before you go-go (pure convent school - sitting by the basket ball courts, discussing who was better - George or Andrew)

6. Back to Life (smoking my first cigarrette with Nilima behind a wall off Baker Street, my first summer in London)

7. I just died in your arms (watching music videos for the first time - New Delhi - knowing there was a whole world out there)

7. Let's Dance (pure youth and a time when I LOVED and dreamed of David Bowie)

8. Karma Chameleon (holidaying in London with my oh so cool older cousins and being told that Boy George was not a woman, and eating ice cream with a cadbury flake stuck in it)

9. The only way is up (that one weekend in the country, pretending I was english and indulging in some very wet snogging)

10. Girls Just Want to Have Fun (YOUTH and dreaming of life in the western world)

As with English food, I will defend 80s music to the end...I'll spare you my ode to steak and kidney pie and sticky toffee pudding...

The End is Near...

2008-05-05T22:39:00.002-07:00

I've been working 14-15 hour days for the last 2+ weeks, and some weekend thrown in there as well. Sometime last week I was informed this hell may go on through May. I nearly cried in anguish - right there - over my glass of red wine - slipping off my bar stool. But, it seems as if things will be ok (here comes the sunshine) and May, while no walk in the garden, won't be as terrible as the past weeks. Having said that, now 11 hour days a normal and coming home by 9 pm on a Friday is a reason to celebrate.

Having bitched about the above, I should say the following:

1. I secretly enjoy working long hours - I'm not sure if this is a sign of me running away from something, running to something or just generally running around...but I like the spirit that comes from all of us crammed in an office, high on coffee, churning stuff out and flipping a coin to see who should go pick up the take out food. I also like the post-brutish-hours drinks with colleague/friends.

2. I thrive on the intense rush of deadlines - I feel more focused and clear about what I have to do. My mind races (mainly due to caffeine overload) and my heart thumps at a nice, quick pace and I feel terribly energized.

3. I am awfully bored if I don't feel engaged in my work, which usually means, slogging through meetings, brainstorming on stuff, pulling long nights, pushing myself and complaining about work. I'm not a 9-5-er and while I dream of being so, I've altered even my most mundane jobs to be more intense (take Cadbury's Legal in Toronto, where I ended up pulling long nights with S, when I was in truth a temp, and could leave anytime after 5 pm).

So, WHY? WHY? WHY? I've been talking to B about this a lot as she feels the same pull. I think I just like the feeling of being depended upon or part of the "in" team or just needed... the thing is as I get older, and I become more aware of myself holistically, I need time away from work. While my practices have stayed the same, I'm slowly changing and I actually am becoming more sane/balanced/lazy/conscious of life etc etc.

Here is what I miss doing and have to find the time and space to do (and frankly realise that I can't pull such insane hours for long any more!):

1. Writing in my gratitude journal
2. Having long conversations with my girlfriends on the phone
3. Reading - consuming books
4. Spending time with friends and the boy (quality time, vs wild dashes in and out for a drink)
5. Meditating
6. Working out at the gym
7. Cooking meals at home

I think this means I'm maturing - work is often about the ego, and I hope I'm realising it is time to put the ego away - or at least diminish its influence on my dailing life...the end is near dear ego!!! Watch out!

My baby came down from Romania...disko, disko partizani!!

2008-04-29T00:13:00.007-07:00

As an ode to of one of my favourite movies...Black Cat, White Cat...a little music reminding me of happy times and for a little Monday cheer -

DJ Shantel's Disko Partizani...no more need be said...one of my favourite songs of the moment (thanks dearest Joy!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gViaOYgV8yI

Aah, a Birthday approaches...

2008-04-21T20:50:00.013-07:00

I turn 33 tomorrow. It seems amazing to me that another Birthday has appeared - so suddenly in fact, though I know it comes around every year. I love Birthday's - mine, one's belonging to people I love and care for, colleagues' (for the 4 pm cake!!) and just the idea of birth and re-birth.

Turning 30 was a big milestone for me and something I'd looked forward too for years - the boy warned me not to be disappointed - and in the end- I was FAR from disappointed. It was a glorious birthday and the start to an even more glorious year! I brought in that year in an Indian restaurant in Brussels, near Porte de Namur, at a big table with all my friends - and I remember it in detail - Bully Bully had just returned from Mali, David was late as usual, Caro had come out with me for the first time and we were just getting to know each other, Sarah was there, and so was Nicola. A lovely cake from the bakery down the road was on hand . We were a loud, riotous bunch, and we had so much fun!

And 31, was in Brussels as well, dancing up a storm with the same bunch of folks and some others. My anglo gfs and I celebrated en-masse - and there is one poignant photos of Caro, Barb and Elinor - with Roe looking on - that is an all time favourite! My dear gf Ang had flown in as well for the occasion, and speaking to her today, brought back the warmth we share and our connections from Vancouver days!

Some of my closest girlfriends and guy friends (who are like my girls!) have been present at both these events. Which makes me think back very fondly of the surprise party thrown for me by my closest gf, the boy and my brother (we all know, P did all the work) for my 25th in NY. Again, some of the dearest people in my life were there to celebrate. And god, was I in a bad temper that evening or what - refusing to walk up to the bar (where all my guests were waiting to shout "surprise" at me).

Last year, was my first year in LA and the boy's friends really adopted me and held a little dinner to celebrate. It was lovely, but I felt lost - lost without my extended family, lost in the vagaries of a new land, and lost within my own life. I had no job, no stable space, no idea of whether I was staying or going. I just missed Brussels so badly and missed my friends and my life prior to marriage. I remember smiling but not being fully cheered when one of the friends brought me a box of belgian chocolates and a big belgian beer to make me feel at home. How sweet! I was surrounded by love - yes, granted people who love me through extension of loving the boy- but I couldn't really see any of it. I just felt so alone!

This year, I'm busy at work and on antibiotics with a flu. Work will probably have cake for me - I really enjoy being there, though we are worked to the bone- but I got what I wanted, which was a nice, interesting and friendly environment. The boy and I may go for a quiet dinner and then celebrate on Sunday with his surprise gift...many of those friends from last year, his friends, have become close to me as well. I'm now a full resident in the US, I know LA more and more everyday. We are thinking of moving closer to the beach. I have to find a dentist. This Friday my work friends and I will go out for drinks at the little (fabulous) Mexican place opposite us, and drink $2 tequila sunrises. On Saturday, we'll meet up with the folks who are now "our friends" and go out for drinks or dinner. And my life in LA will be set further in stone. Two Birthdays in this place...in this marriage and in this life.

As this Birthday (with its auspicious 3s) approaches, there are two things I have to face:

1. I miss my pals badly- we are all spread out all over the world and we get together for weddings at most it seems. And as we all get married off, that is becoming less and less frequent! I have more than 3 dear friends in NY and can't even make it over there for a weekend trip! I'd like to suggest that Birthdays start to take on more prominence, and that in celebrating them we remember youth and new beginnings, along with old friendships and golden memories. The years start to flash by so quickly, and if we don't stop from time to time to celebrate life, then what is the point in living?

In so much I want the above, I have to make it happen. I have to take on the organizer role or at least the initiator of the idea...

2. It is time to put the past to bed...maybe this is the hardest. I also really miss aspects of my other life, my more international life. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that this, what I am living in, is just a phase, except as time goes on, I'm less and less sure, what would come after this phase. I can't go back, and don't want to either, and am unsure what I want for the future. Basically, this step would mean, recalling the past fondly, but very surely relegating the past to where it should be - an enjoyable memory, but not a gaping hole in one's daily existence. I think the best gift I can give myself this Birthday, is a return to passion and a vision for the future - a map to guide me along the way. That 'other' life is over -- I chose to give it up, no one forced me. And, if I look carefully, I don't know if I really want it back.

Maybe, in celebrating quietly this year, what I should be doing is celebrating how far I've come and finding joy in my present - in this place, in this marriage and in this life.

Vampire Weekend

2008-04-06T12:00:00.003-07:00

I'm late for the farmers' market...yikes...I love my late mornings, but I need to run today...

Just wanted to say that thebest band around right now is VAMPIRE WEEKEND. They are very NPR-esque, and I think I first heard them on KCRW...they are boys out of NY singing some good, funky stuff with a west african beat...and I think one is Parsi...

Anyway, I love them and Oxford Comma and Mansard Roof just get me dancing and happy.

Like meeting and clicking with new friends, being introduced to or finding new music is such a pleasure...at moments you feel like you are too old for new stuff and then you turn the street corner...of course, like old friends, old music has as special place in one's heart. I attach songs to most of my friends and they evoke some special memories of our times together. I have a special Brussels' mix that I think I'm going to make for friends...in fact, a few months ago, N (who is now in Mali), sent us a link to a Madonna song with a note that it reminded him of us at Le Presidente...and I nearly cried through my laughter, with the strong feelings / memories that resurfaced. How lovely!!

If I have one strong feeling that is little explored, it would be nostalgia...inherited from my dad!

Enjoy the clips...tell me if you do...http://www.vampireweekend.com/music.php

one more thing to be grateful for....LOST

2008-04-05T19:14:00.004-07:00

Yes, I just want to say, I'm grateful that I have followed LOST for years, because it really is just fabulous and not a single episode is ever disappointing!! True, there are some episodes better than others, and yes, Season II was not super jazzy...but hello, how in the world did we live lives with meaning, sans Sawyer, Kate and Mike entering our homes every Thursday? What about being introduced to as deranged and yet magnetic a character as Ben? And what was life really like (empty, empty, empty!) without that fabulous episode this season, where we see Sayid pretty much naked in bed!! For LOST, I will stay up till 11 pm on Thursdays come April 24th. For LOST I will keep TV in my house ...ok, I'm not really ever getting rid of it, but I just wanted to express my love of the show!

Wasn't it just yesterday that I posted...

2008-04-05T18:15:00.004-07:00

I can't believe my last post was BEFORE I started work!! All I can say is that I'm in no danger of this happening to me: In Web World of 24/7 Stress, Writers Blog Till They Drop !!

So work has been all consuming - I'm working with as a research analyst in a "mighty, mighty" union, one that is politically very strong and vibrant. It is an exciting place and my department and work is thought provoking... still it is a socialist organisation though...people make reference to "the enemies of the working class" with a straight face (and not as in quoting a Soviet movie or Dr. Zhivago), as well as often referring to being dedicated to the "struggle". In fact, my contract states that my job is more than just a job and is part of the struggle. Yes, they use that word in my contract!!!!!

Oh and one of my closest friends at work is a neo-marxist ...I know, a real live neo-marxist. Please don't ask me to explain what that means...I remember something from comparative literature theory about neo-marxists but mainly about how they analyze textual matter, in my class' case, modern European fiction and movies.

I should note here that my neo-marxist friend, watched "The Namesake" and was appalled at the class based didactics and assumptions. I watched The Namesake too and read only love and loss into the movie...as you can see, my own dedication to the struggle is somewhat weak, and I think I am suspect of being a bit of a capitalist.

Having said that, I really, really like the people I work with and respect them, especially my research buddies, as colleagues. These are some extremely bright people from Standford, Duke, Harvard, and Princeton, who have chosen to fight for a cause and make a difference in the world. I also like how our union is moving forward and being part of big change within the labor movement. In true irony though, globalization, that inherently capitalist beast, is making Marx's idea of a global labor struggle a reality.

Anyway, work is great and I'm becoming/feeling part of Los Angeles and CA more and more. I have other issues in my life, but I realized that maybe I'm just one of those people who always has to be in turmoil about something or constantly searching for something else.

But, I don't want to go into such blah details...I do want to write though about gratitude...

2008 has become a year of growth for me - internal spiritual growth and a serious time to envision my future. Yeah, I know, it is a little late, as I near 33 to suddenly realise I should be seriously envisioning a life path, when over 10 years ago my friend Joy first introduced me to the idea of creating my vision (and I, an even more flippant young-un, remember thinking that another ice cold beer was what I was really envisioning at that moment!)

One of my steps has been to keep a gratitude journal. At first, I had to really push myself to write down 7-10 things that I feel grateful about - and now I can't stop - on a daily level, I have a gazillion things to feel thankful for...even in the midst of being tired or feeling low.

I want to post one or two things that keep coming up in my gratitude list:

1. My friends - from harlaam, to cologne, to brussels, to london, to istanbul, to roanoke, to new york to tokyo - I've got some really amazing friends and I feel truly lucky about that!

2. My family - crazy and fabulous - and always there for me!

3. My mind and my emotions- and I don't mean intelligence or ability to feel, but just an attitude - to look forward, to read, to rationalize and to emotionalize my thoughts. I'd like to take credit for this, like I've achieved this, but so much of it is what one is born with and the gifts your parents give you...

4. My privileged background that has allowed me to travel the world, meet interesting people, experience places, foods, and music of great beauty and diversity and to still have a safe space to come home to.

5. My financial comfort - even at my lowest earning point (in Toronto), I have always had enough money in the bank and in my life never to struggle or have to make decisions between x and y - very rarely has the normal flow of my life been interrupted by money, and I know I am spoilt by this!!

I don't know where 2008 will lead me - I know that life is not static and as I move forward, new doors are being opened and new pathways illuminated, and I hope, that I have the strength of character and sense of self, to choose wisely and with passion.

I do want to write more...I forgot about this blog...or maybe it was just an overwhelming sense of having to write what I'm going through. It is in thanks to my friend S, in NY, that I've returned to the blogosphere. And god, it feels good:-)

Ode to Brussels

2007-11-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

The only way to approach praising or loving Brussels, is by accepting the city as it truly is...surrealist in all aspects.

As Belgium pulls itself apart,with Brussels caught in the middle, and the world snickers at its antics, this article (sent by M and posted by S on her blog:http://mynybits.blogspot.com/2007/11/mannekenpis-revenge.html) accurately captures how most expats feel about their adopted home city:

http://www.guardianabroad.co.uk/lifestyle/article/344

My own ode to Brussels is mainly situated in the non-touristy spaces of the city - Matonge, Gare Midi, Place Lux, Le Stoemelings (place de londres), l'ultime atome; and built around memories of walking up and down Chausee d'Ixelles, going to the museums, running to bars and movies on Toison d'Or, late night frites near rue dublin, and partying at Mezzo and Le President with good friends.

I do hope the current government "crisis" sorts itself out - though even in this context, one is forced to just roll one's eyes and sigh...only in Belgium!

Being tough and knowing what you want...a life lesson

2007-11-19T17:38:00.000-08:00

Today has been spent negotiating my job offer. I have three things on the table I want changed, a sort of hierarchy of desires. I have an idea of what is feasible and their own limits.

I'm trying to take the advice of friends and be tough. Of course, the hardest part is figuring out what I want or don't want. I had to really ask myself today where I want to draw the line in the sand and if I'm ready to stand by what I feel/think.

I expect not to receive all I requested, but to have a combo change...a little of this, a little of that, etc. And I've made a mental decision of what I will not accept. It is hard when you really like a position/team, but since my job will involve a lot of negotiating, this is good practice.

Can I really imagine myself saying "no", maybe – it’s so dependent on the nature of the negotiations and how I’m left feeling (happy, respected vs. resentful, unsatisfied).

Almost there...

2007-11-19T09:49:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: Just as I posted, then wandered off to the kitchen, sans phone ...they called. An offer has been made. I'll call back tomorrow to say yah/nay/negotiate. Not sure how much room there is to push for changes...

I'm holding my breath because my second meeting on Friday, with the people I love and want to work for, went VERY well! I was assured that an offer would be made by COB today, with a start date of next Monday!!!!

I'm prepared though for the offer to be made Tues, or even the dreaded Wednesday-before-Thanksgiving. Fridays and Mondays are generally a mess in every office, if I remember correctly. I'm surprisingly calm, but I think that is just exhaustion from guests in town, cleaning up the house, rushing around for interviews etc.

I can't say more till the offer comes through - already my Indian superstitions are kicking in and I feel it has been jinxed with too much talk. AAAAAAAH!!!!! I'm also preparing myself to have to negotiate terms and I wish I was the boy or my brother in such matters.

In other news, the in-law visit went off very well. We all gave each other a lot of space and having the boy's uncle visiting at the same time, was really a blessing.

We have a whole group of friends coming over for dinner. I know it will be fun, but when I invited everyone, I'd had a few drinks and totally forgot that Monday nights is HEROES!!! And that maybe I'd be burnt-out and want to sit on the couch and do nothing!

I'm really excited...and I can't write anymore because I only have one subject to talk about...and well, I can't really talk about it right now...

Of course, as you probably have guessed - my mind is reeling with alternate scenearios, like has the position been cancelled? Did one of the boss-people I met on Friday not really like me? Are my instincts and research about this job/place right or wrong? What if I don't get it by some bizarre universal flux? AAAAH - OK, maybe I'm not feeling so calm. I've got to take a deep breath.

Here is what I feel: from talking with friends who are in the "know", this is a really good place to work - the organisation respects the job I'd be doing, the benefits are solid, they have well planned long-term goals and are in a good cycle of growth. From the research I've done, the actual work I'd be doing is pretty damn interesting and cutting edge. My instincts tell me that the team I'd be working within is a good one and that this path I'm choosing is very promising. I know I want to work on migration issues via an effective vehicle. This job/place is truly effective. And finally, I need to think ahead and see what other avenues could open up by this step, not only in terms of life in the US (which it seems is the reality) but also in terms of keeping open international opportunities.

And if I don't get the offer, by some great universe-inspired, mind-f**k, I'll hold my breath and channel really hard so that I enter another realm, where this doesn't occur. Or else, I'll just keep on searching.

Aaah, to be a Japanese Salaryman!

2007-11-14T18:59:00.000-08:00

I went for Interview #4 today - with a large, private corporation. I thought I'd delve into something more than social justice, just to test the waters and see if I could return to such a world...this particular job is not the way to do it, but the interview alone left a slightly acidic taste in my mouth...let me just say, that they called ME and I did NOT apply for this position...the dangers of randomly putting one's CV on Monster!

Let me break it down:

1. The job is for a project coordinator - working with a number of IT projects. Basically, shepherding IT project managers (PMs) to meet project outputs and goals. Very, very boring work any-which way you look at it. But good pay!

2. 98% of the PMs, at this particular corporation, are Indians from the South of India. And I mean, right off the boat from India...they all speak various south Indian languages as they walk around the halls and the women ALL wore salwar churidar (not to be confused with the north Indian salwar kameez)! A lot of sly, male looks were given my way...I felt like I was traveling through India on my own again...

2. One of the important skills for the job is to be an effective communicator. One of my tasks would be to attend numerous meetings between the PMs and the VPs of this corp., (who appear to be all WASPs) and basically guide the PMs through the meeting – stepping in when necessary - an explaining or interpreting what they are saying to the VPs.

The interviewers (two nice boys from Denver) explained that it is often difficult for the VPs to grasp what the "brains" (i.e. the PMs from India) are saying. They meant tech jargon and not accents...I hope!

3. I was asked to give examples of projects I have coordinated – preferably ones that I've seen through a whole cycle...I gave two examples, of course both international. One was Lebanon. They asked if we met the project deadline. I said we met the project deliverables ("X" amount of persons evacuated) but that the project was extended due to the continued shelling of Beirut.

They said: Aah, so you didn't meet the proposed time deadline?

I said: "Well, the war/crisis went on longer than foreseen by the Israelis or the rest of the international community: the stakeholders in the project (the EU, IOM member states, the Lebanese, the Israelis etc) foresaw a possible extension but hoped to avoid it"

They said: Hmmmm…But you didn't deliver the goals in the set timeframe?

I said: You could say that - though working with stakeholders who are sovereign states is different from working with private companies.

The head interviewer, one of the nice boys from Denver, said:

"I GUESS THAT IS WHY THIS WAR (IRAQ) HAS BEEN HANDED TO PRIVATE COMPANIES, SO THAT DELIVERABLES CAN BE ASSURED".

I said nothing and gave them my best fake smile.

I don't think I'm (1) getting this job; (2) taking this job

They also asked me if Brussels was colder or warmer than LA in temperature/weather. I laughed and said Brussels was rainy but the surfing was better.

And that my friends is really dependent on what you want from your waves, because as well ALL know, its the motion of the ocean and not the size of the waves that matter:
http://www.globalsurfers.com/spot.cfm?land=Belgium&surfing=246

HAPPY HALLOWEEN & it's raining men...

2007-10-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

uhm, no - more like interviews, actually

Ok, first there was a minor storm - the very first application resulted in a very positive interview and job offer (of weird sorts...), which I decided not to follow-up on for a variety of reasons (pay, scope of job etc etc).

Then came the drought - granted, it was a drought of only one month, because I've only been applying for jobs since our return from VA and my brother's wedding. But by the end of last week, I was feeling miserable!! I was even considering looking at NY or DC - which seem to have jobs requiring exactly what I have (international experience, in particular, EU knowledge etc).

And then came interview 1 and 2 and now possibly a third!!! This has boosted my spirits but also increased my anxiety levels to RED! It seems that finally my stars are turning and high time, I'm sick of being a housefrau. And though I've engaged with the outside world (taking/sitting in on UCLA graduate classes, trying to clean up my various languages, keeping on top of global issues, volunteering with UCLA, actively making friends), my days still revolve around the house, the boy, and dinner.

And while all 3 options may fall apart, this gives me the strength to continue. I loved my last job and really enjoy working. I've never cared for 9-5 jobs and look to my work to fulfill me! I can't wait to start working...yes, I know that when it happens, I'll have tons of complaints, hate waking up in the morning, resent the boy no end for not doing his part of the chores as quickly as needed, and suffer acute amounts of anxiety over minor and major issues alike. But, at least that is more "me" than the person I currently am!

p.s. happy ghoulish Halloween to all - we have a skeleton up on the door and are waiting the promised munchkin rush with candy cones (the boy's least favourite candy) and snicker bars (the boy's top favourite candy).

I am from VENUS and I should be living in Amsterdam!

2007-10-30T22:50:00.000-07:00

I promised myself I'd join the boy in bed early tonight...we have a long day tomorrow. I even decided not to watch Law and Order, SVU and just jump into bed, that is, as soon as I turned off my computer. Anyhoo, a few "what the hell have I been doing" hours later I discovered that I am from Venus:

You Are From Venus

You love all forms of beauty. You love dressing up and anything luxurious.
A social butterfly, you're incredibly popular and a great host.
You're known for your fairness and affection. And as a frind to all.
Careful though! You're desire to please may make you too willing to conform.
Be yourself. Focus on what matters to you. You'll be all the more popular for it.

What Planet Are You From?

And that I should be living in Amsterdam:

You Belong in Amsterdam

A little old fashioned, a little modern - you're the best of both worlds. And so is Amsterdam.

Whether you want to be a squatter graffiti artist or a great novelist, Amsterdam has all that you want in Europe (in one small city).

What European City Do You Belong In?

Just for the record -

(i) I do tend try to please, way, way too often - this is usually the source of all my woes. And I often doubt the path I am on or wish to be on, if only because 'my world' (friends, family, the boy etc) may not agree with me. In fact, in the last few months I've felt this growing pressure to really come to terms with my desires and try and actively live them out;

and

(ii) I LOVE AMSTERDAM!!!!!!! I'd give up a whole secret list of things just to live there! I even love the Dutch!

Returning Home

2007-10-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

There is always something lovely about coming home...as a married adult, my home should technically be in LA, where the boy and I live, but the reality is that "home" is still my parents' house- in other words, Atlanta, GA.

This weekend was a spur of the moment decision - my brother was spending the weekend in ATL and it just seemed so lovely that after both our weddings we could still "come home". And it has just been great! I think that regardless of however much your partner understands you or loves you, if you are close to your family, then your very true self only exists in that space shared with those people, who the universe gave you as parents and siblings. Maybe this is some reflection on how close the boy and I are, maybe its symbolic of my ties to the outside world...I don't know and frankly while I've analysed this for years, I don't really want to change anything.

Being back in the bosom of my nuclear family is just lovely - I feel that a younger and less guarded me is present. We may disagree and fight with each other, but there is never any need to be wary. My parents and my brother are here with me for life (touch wood). However much the boy says he "knows me" and he thinks he really, really knows me...my parents get me without much thought. I have quite a few friends who are just as close to their parents and siblings and I think it is a gift and a burden. A gift, because to have such limitless love is amazing; a burden because it spoils you for all future loves.

There I've said it. The fact is, no one can live up to that love! Sigh, I remember being at my grandfather's house in Bombay and having the same feeling. My mum loved being back with us and her sisters around. It was in that space that I felt safest and most loved. Yes, back then and even now, I know that these escapes into time only work as short excursions, but I am so thankful to have them!

By Monday, I'll want to be back in LA, applying for jobs, being with the boy, meeting up with friends and doing all my grown-up chores, but for now, I'm thrilled to be my 10 year old self, lying on my parents' bed, chatting and drinking sweet tea and watching my mother tie her sari as she heads out for a party. Oh yeah, and thinking up ways to tease my brother!!!

Typing with one cat on my lap and another on the keyboard

2007-08-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

We are cat sitting for a friend and one of the babies is on my lap (Pippen) and the other (Merry) is on and off the keyboard, so this post is quite a chore!

The last week of July has been totally uplifting - I received a notice that my work permit was approved and that the card was to be produced in the coming 30 days. Literally, less than a week later, the card was in my mailbox!! woo hoo!! Except of course, I haven't actually really started looking for jobs and now I have to do so and pronto! Granted, the card is only 5 days old, but I feel the need to apply, apply, apply!!! And to get any job for the moment - like even licking envelopes at home:-)

A day after us doing a dance around the apt with the permit in hand, we received a notice that our GC interview has been scheduled for the 21st of September! woo hoo! Of course, having woo hooed, I have to say that I'm so nervous about the interview - though the boy and I are obviously an authentic couple. Still...

I promised myself that I'd send out one job application a day, but what with reading Harry and the volunteer stuff (which kicked in late) I've actually been really busy. Ok, that isn't a real excuse... the cats have kept me busy...ok, that isn't a real excuse either.

Anyway, on top of all this good news, we heard more (makes a pessimist like me worry - are we using up our quota of good luck? What about the 21st of September then?) - the boy passed both his comprehensives!!! He is thrilled, I'm relieved, and it means that we should be ok next year for his tuition/fellowship.

Wow, I'm not really sure how I can process this much good news really. And in two weeks I'm off to Portland to see girlfriends, then we jet off for our East Coast, three state, parental and sibling visit. I get to see a good friend (B) in Virginia as well. Then E visits LA in mid-Sept and maybe even S (all my Brussels' buddies), who may move to NY in a few weeks time. Crazy huh? Life in LA is finally settling in and becoming home.

Oh, and I have a great tan - really great actually - in time for the brother's wedding.

Oh, and our car has died -- finally some bad news to balance out all this good. Phew, now I can relax!

The cats are still all around me, so I should stop typing. They are both loveable and I'm not sure how our friend expects us to hand them back to her -- I tried to bargain and offer her back Pippen and the boy, in place of Merry (who I love dearly). But, the boy, though cute, just isn't THAT cute!!! Sigh.

Summer is really, truly here!!!

2007-06-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

Playing the waiting game...

2007-06-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

As I finally really settle into LA, the work permit/Green Card hangs over us like a malevolent shadow. There is a whole sub-community dealing with the Adjustment of Status (the GC process) and I belong to two boards that deal with this issue.

Basically, I know deep down we just have to wait. The first timeline on the right bar shows how long we've waited for our AoS since filing (1month, 2 weeks, 3 days). In the grand scheme this isn't a lot, but there are the additional first three months (Feb-April) of waiting, gathering info etc as well and the possible 3-4 month coming wait (July-Oct) before we even get an interview date.

I'm hoping for a late September/early October interview!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!

The first step is getting the EAD/work permit - that should be delivered to us by the end of August. Technically, the EAD has to be given to us within 90 days of filing for it (so by Aug 9/07). If not, on the 91st day, we can go to our local USCIS office and ask for it/push them to produce it. Hopefully, we won't get an RFE - Request for Further Evidence, which slows the process down, and breaks the chain of the 90 days rule for the EAD.

After receiving the EAD, we wait again - this time for an interview date, usually scheduled 1-2 months earlier. Then, if we are VERY VERY VERY lucky, my FBI name check will have already been finalised and we get approved immediately at our interview, my passport is stamped and production of the actual, physical GC starts. If we aren't so lucky, we get approved by the officer, but pending the name check, still have to wait for the official approval letter and the physical GC. I don't want to even say out loud what the "unlucky" case could be...I'll say this though, an approval, official or from the officer means NADA, until you have that little piece of plastic in hand.

A recent article in the Washington Post details how delayed FBI name checks are - we could end up waiting anywhere from 1 month to 2 years after our approved interview, before we get the physical GC. In this limbo period - really the worst of all feelings - we'd just keep renewing my EAD (around $200 each time, not sure what the cost will be in the new fee system) and hoping that the name check goes through. Some people contact their Senator for help; others have taken class action lawsuits against USCIS and the FBI for the delays. Randomness and baaaaaaaad luck are the name of the game. Without the GC I cannot leave the US - not even to Canada.

If I'm caught in the name check brouhaha, I'm going to pack my bags and move to NY, find a small job, rent an apartment in Brooklyn and wait it out. I will not and cannot wait it out in LA, the all American of cities - I'll need to have at least some foreign-ness around me. Oh yeah, and my first GC is only for 2 years and is conditional, dependent on my marriage to the boy. So in 2 years, we have to go through this damned process of changing to a fully GC AGAIN!!!

In all this mental mess, the boy is busy with school and is somewhat unsympathetic about my worries. Of course, he has very little to actually worry about...any outcome is borne purely by me - he is the US citizen (USC for short) after all. [Ok, that is me just being snarky at him] In truth, we "spousal applicants" are luckier than other immigrants, because we have the power of the USC behind us - hence the ability to contact Senators, the press etc, the USCIS ombudsman etc. And our spouses, the USC, obviously want us here --- I think:-)

This is what I instinctively feel: that the process will go smoothly, I don't see us having a problem. What I do see, is that we will have a long timeline --nothing horrendous, but we won't end up with a quickly processed GC I really would love. It'll go according to the slowest estimated timeline/normal schedule:

Filed AoS [MAY]
1 month later Biometrics [JUNE]
3 months later EAD [AUG]
5-6 months later interview date [OCT -NOV]
7-12 months later GC received in mail [DEC-MAY 08]

Actually, I have nothing to really complain about...I know that...I know that...aaah!!! I just HATE waiting without knowing...always a thorn with me.

My first real "I'm part of LA" experience...Ozomatli...

2007-06-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

In concert...for free... part of the opening of Grand Performances...downtown LA... and me (waving)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rG5y20rIzmA

We also saw Dengue Fever (fabulous!!! Listen to them at http://www.myspace.com/denguefevermusic) and Yohimbe Brothers (from NYC). And then went to Chinatown for dinner. This is all thanks to Adnan (for the lift, the info on the performances and for use of his camera!) really. And Taz for introducing us all!

And for much clearer sounds of Ozomatli: http://www.myspace.com/ozomatli

Paris, je ne t'aime pas!

2007-06-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

And I'm talking about the Hilton and not the city of lights! The whole 3 day jail thing is really so ridiculous and totally ruining my Friday morning news round-up!! Grrrrh!!!

It seems that Ms. Hilton took ill during her 3 days in jail - she stopped eating! Hey, here's a thought - maybe this is NORMAL behaviour for her and no one outside her circle of nutty enablers has noticed it until now!

Anyway, I think this is a really good example of what Gore is talking about in his recent book, "The Assault on Reason" and the trivialisation of news etc.

And you know, people keep dying around the world, being incorrectly incarcerated, tortured and displaced from their homes as we focus on this nonsense...if it isn't Paris today, its Anna Nicole's death, Britney's hair etc etc....and living in LA we get bombarded by this stuff during local news headlines as well!

Sigh...I asked for this when I missed pop culture whilst in Brussels.

I'm generally feeling very anti-consumerism and overwhelmed by advertising around me. I think LA is worse than other cities for that as billboards for tv shows and movies dominate the landscape, along with regular advertising for toothpaste, clothes etc.

Or maybe I'm just old and want to live on a farm (like Barbara Kingsolver), eating what I grow (so basically, with my record of growing plants, I'll starve like Paris) and feeling more in-tune with nature...or to travel somewhere less commercial (like Mongolia???).

Finished my trauma class yesterday...more on that later.

I'm addicted...save me!!!

2007-06-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

Virtual Doll Play - a new type of childhood

2007-06-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

I read this article in the NYT about how young girls are playing "doll" online these days - using the virtual world to dress up various dolls. Well, old fogey me was saddened by the loss of yet another "real" thing, so I went on line to see what the fuss was all about and WOW!!!

While it can't really replace the experience of getting your barbies to do secret, unmentionable things with your younger brother's action men (my parents didn't see the reason to shell out more $$ for a Ken), it is still a whole lotta fun: http://www.cartoondollemporium.com

[Please note, no Action Man doll was ever hurt during the above noted childhood actions]

For the more serious among us, the NYT article: http://www.cartoondollemporium.com

And my first doll:

Playing at Adam and Eve

2007-04-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

Spring Break 2007 is over - and boy was it amazing!! We fixed up the "study", aka our 2nd bedroom, we saw tons of the boy's friends at various events/hangouts, we had down time to just chat and play video games (ahem), we managed to do the "all you can drink" champagne brunch at Overland Cafe (woo hoo!) AND we went camping.

So, until this point I've wavered from fine to ambivalent on the issue of camping. I always have a good time but I'm not a camper by nature. Well, this trip has changed everything. We went to Catalina Island, hiked 7 miles in from Two Harbors to Parson's Landing and had the smooth-stoned and yellow-sand beach, and the beautiful, blue and emerald-ocean ALL to ourselves (one night there was another guy way down the beach and the second day, the seal visited us).

Basically it was 48 hrs of total solitude. Absolutely fabulous and hence the title of this post. I felt like we were the first and only couple on the land and it was magical. We hiked around in peace, we bathed in the ocean, we slept under the moon and the big dipper and we woke to the waves and lovely sunshine.

And then there was the seal...he basically made his way on the beach towards us, aiming to pretty much sit where we were sitting. I was convinced he was a Japanese ghost spirit - a man caught in the body of a seal, looking to speak to us with a message on how to release him…but no…he was just a curious, sunbathing-serious seal...cute but eccentric.
I can't really do justice to the trip or the cleansing effect it had on us, so here are some photos – ENJOY:

The beach - Parson's Landing

We frolicked in the ocean - cold and bracing but oh, so lovely!

Our campsite!

Mr. Seal

Economics and Me: Not quite in bed together

2007-03-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

So I had the real pleasure today of talking to two good friends of mine (who've recently given birth to a beautiful baby girl), currently living in NY but soon to move west-coast side. While they shared a number of wise takes on their own experience at marriage etc., one of the topics we discussed, or should I say, I discussed, was the boy's economics degree. And what I realised is that I'm really disdainful of economists and economics - in a slightly ignorant and fearful way.

The fact is that currently graduate econ programmes seem to be male dominated. This in itself isn't bad, but it lends a certain tone to the department. In addition, as far as I can understand from my discussion with the econ folks, in the US at least, the accepted gospel is that a free market economy is the only successful way to go. There may be variations in what models work better or to what degree to restrict/encourage government intervention, monopolies etc, but the underlying belief is in economic equilibrium, or supply and demand is the true, natural law. But, to me, the inherent problem with supply and demand and the idea of the free market economy is the assumption that all the actors are rational and behaviour is dictated by free-will. [I don't want to espouse the notion that the gender tilt of the discipline is connected to its beliefs - but I can't help but wonder?]

I'm not a Marxist and barely a socialist any longer, and I understand that a controlled market can be limiting. I also openly profess enjoying the benefits of living my whole life within a free market economy. One of the benefits of a market maintaining equilibrium is the power of choice. But, I do have issues with not even questioning the free market and wondering if it, and the system is propagates - capitalism - doesn’t only benefit the few and hurt the majority.

Since the fall of the USSR, we've swung from having a bi-polar world models to out and out glorification of one model/school of thought only. People say that democracy won when the Berlin Wall fell, but I think the battle was actually between two different styles of economy, and if you look at the USSR and many of its ex-satellite nations today, the only winner has been capitalism. It is the one thing that seems to have taken root in ex-socialist and communist states with ease. Because of the USSR we associate socialism with a pure controlled market state and communism or some version of totalitarianism.

What we seem to find hard acknowledging is that models with different pairings (such as socialism and democracy) can work - granted such a pairing seems to exist on small scale situations - like Sweden and a commune in Oregan. To me capitalism is voracious and is a fundamentally uncaring system - if we add niceties to it, it’s like adding a frilly-collar to a pit bull. The very nature of capitalism is battle for control and the hunger to expand.

This leads me to the fact that econ departments or at least the one here, seem to be lagging behind in other schools of thoughts, many of which are products of post-post-modernism, ecological concerns, globalization and the end of the American dream. One such ne0-school is Participatory Economics. Of course, for such an alternative to what we are used to, to work, means changing our mind-set or attitude towards ownership, wealth, consumption and power. Granted it is, as the Wiki, so rightly puts, "an anarchistic economic vision", but it is a middle of the road attempt.

Having said all the above, my innate dislike of economics as a discipline arises from my grounding as a social scientist and as a child various arts and humanities departments. To me (and this is the irrational, phobic fear I'm determined to overcome), Econ is a social science that hates itself for not being treated with the gravity it thinks it deserves in an increasingly scientific and quantitative world. It’s the social science that sold out first and fastest. So, over the years, it has moved towards becoming more mathematical than some math departments and producing models that seem far removed from research, intuition, or qualitative analysis. In itself this isn’t bad, but in the end the application of economics lies in the social science arena and to have government policies set by people totally untrained to understand nuances or who cannot foresee ahead to a slightly unexpected scenario, is scary. The boy may or may not agree to a degree. We have been warned by a more senior Phd-er that this is a cult. And frankly, those you question the gospel will not reach nirvana.

But isn't that always the case?

Anyway, I'm re-attacking "Small is Beautiful" and my re-reading of various econ models through history in attempt to educate myself further and hopefully keep us balanced and on a more caring path. And to arm myself with some more coherent and logical arguments on why I dislike the current brand of economic thought being perpetuated rather that relying on the old “because they smell bad”.

Thoughts on sustaining sustainable living

2007-03-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

For a long time I've considered trying to live a more eco-friendly life, which includes avoiding all-out consumerism. Now in our on place and in conjunction with the boy, we will try to live with a little more awareness. Today's article in the NYT's

(http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/22/garden/22impact.html?8dpc)

just reminded me of what we can do as urban dwellers, existing in our current, capitalist, consumer-oriented and globalised world. Everyone has to make their own choice as to what they can do and what they can give up. Like a diet and exercise, the key to me, is sustaining sustainability.

For us (the boy and me), we try not to use the car, taking public transport when possible or walking / scootering. We also try to minimise our shower times so as to reduce the amount of water we use. Same goes for washing dishes, brushing our teeth etc. We also actively recycle, not use heating extravagantly or air conditioning at all, and try to buy second hand when possible. None of these are amazing things and the steps still allow us to live our lives.

In terms of the 100 mile/250 mile radius rule, I don't know if I could give up spices honestly (though I could give up toilet paper) or eating out - food is central to my universe while things like shoes or toothpaste aren't. The image of the mason jar filled with veggies and cheese really freaked me out. While I'd like to eat more seasonally than I currently do, a life without ginger, garlic, chilli, cumin, onion and coriander seems very dismal.

I could not give up world travel for example. And so while airplane usage is one of the worst damagers of the environment, as a direct product of the airline industry and its role in globalisation, this particular point vexes me. I mean, my lifestyle growing up and moving around, which really allowed me all sorts of fabulous experiences, was thanks to the airlines. And the airlines - or the airplane - have allowed people like me to migrate with ease. On the other hand, I know that airplanes are such fuel guzzlers and I totally say yeah to the EU's carbon tax on airlines. So, while hyper-consumerism, which I find so prevalent in the US (and sadly more and more in India), very clearly leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I'm torn about how I feel about air travel - which to me is a world uniter (more than the UN). [Granted, we could see the world on a kontiki like raft but that isn't really viable for people with families spread around the globe and the passenger ships of today seem to be about offering las vegas like experiences on the sea - not that I'm dissing Vegas or all-you-can-eat midnight buffets.]

I can give up television and my cell phone - I've done both at different times of my life for months on end, without missing either. I could feasibly give up meat, though it would be a struggle. But, could I give up my computer or the internet? I think I'd be lost, but maybe like life sans TV, I'd easily adapt, manage, re-read old books and letters, write more by hand etc etc. So how sustainable can I be?

In the coming months, the boy and I (at my urging I suspect) are going to review our practices and see what else we can do...

one creative step at a time...

2007-03-21T18:07:00.000-07:00

In an effort to focus on other things apart from my sorry state, I picked up this little yellow cabinet for $5 the other day and am using it as a dressing table. I also put some nails in the side and hung my jewelry off them...inside I'd like to put my art projects as they develop.

My next step is to decorate a branch and hang the rest of my numerous bracelets off it.

This little shrine to my attempts at art makes me really happy when I wake up in the morning, because it many ways, it is "my" corner. The cabinet, the decorations, the colour are all just "me".

This all doesn't seem complicated, right? But, for someone who could never colour in the lines and who draws a heart that looks like an upside down bum, its really quite a big jump for me...I have always dreamed of being a famous artist, but like being a famous singer, I kinda need at least an iota of talent to start.

Still, the US is the mother-land of (re) invention.

My upcoming project - my next step on the moon kinda thing is to try and alter a book. See modern gypsy's website on the altered page:
http://www.moderngypsy.com/green/alteredpage/index.html

Things I am thankful for and a break in sight

2007-03-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

The boy has been particularly busy these past few days/week, as exams are looming. but the end is in sight and we are both excited for Spring Break - mentally filling it with tons of things we haven't been able to do so far. We did manage to go for a great hike on Saturday up to Topanga Canyon, which worked wonders for both of us - allowing the boy some space to vent his stress and providing me with some time to contemplate my marriage and my new life in LA (listening to Cesaria Evora on my ipod).

With my recent funk, everything has seemed darker and more negative than usual. I'd say, that while I am moody, I'm usually quite positive about my life and consider myself extremely lucky. I think I have been dealt a very good hand and have played it well enough. But the last few weeks have seen me question a lot of things and slowly hurt myself by my doubts. I totally gave in to the depression and couldn't see the bigger picture.

So here are some things I am really, and truly thankful for:

1. My parents - for their unstinting and constant love, their never-ending support and their principles of justice and equality for all - all of which have provide me with a secure saftey net; a strong framework within which every aspect of me was celebrated and nurtured, a sense of stability and support, which allowed for growth of self and the space and wings to fly and learn;

2. The boy - who is my partner, friend and lover and is so generous of spirit, his wallet, his mind and his heart;

3. My brother - who is turning 28 next week and is the best sibling around (granted also pretty damn intelligent and fun);

4. My godmother - who has always been like a second mother to me and is a good example of a beautiful and gentle soul in a cynical world;

5. The spirit and memory of my grandfather - this great guy who single handedly raised 3 wonderfully strong, intelligent and warm daughters (one of whom is my mother) and who really helped shape my core self and confidence through his love, wise words, his strength of character and his constant defense of the under dog;

6. My friends - old, new, family friends etc - how nice to have such a stimulating and caring extended family;

7. My in-laws for being good people with good hearts;

8. My sister-in-law to be - who is solid in personality and principles and will always look after my brother;

9. My life experiences - I've had the very blessed chance to travel the world, with my parents, with the boy, through my work and school, learn from some truly amazing and interesting people, eat fabulous food, enjoy sights and cities that are imprinted on my mind and live a life full of adventure and laughter;

10. My books - where would I have been without my books and reading? This must be one of the greatest gifts given to me by my family - all voracious readers. My books have transported me over the years to different places, made me ask questions, think through problems, deal with emotional issues and generally been good, loyal companions!

What the list above reminds me to do is to celebrate my life rather than let the weeks waste away in a morbid funk. I'm also reminded that what you give out is what you get - if I have a few months more before I can work, why not spend that time doing some volunteer work? I have always been committed to doing some volunteering on the side and the only time I stopped was in Brussels (partly because work took so much out of me and by its very nature allowed me to feel I was giving back). I should look into ESL teaching programmes run by the Church or community centres - that way I will get to work with migrants as well.

Come April and I promise to start building community here in LA!!! The first step is getting back my positive attitude and excitment for this new adventure!

Being an Urban Stepford Wife

2007-03-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

I think I'm now almost an expert on the how to successfully become and be an Urban Stepford Wife (USW). There are of course some handicaps inflicted by living in an urban space, such as a lack of a garden, or a huge kitchen in which to cook 10-course meals. But, all you really need, apart from perseverance and good lighting, is tons of heavily chemicalised cleaning products, spaces to clean, an oven, cookie dough, heels and a skirt. A little, frilly apron helps as well.

Oh yes, and you need conviction that what you are doing really benefits the world, your marriage, your husband and God.

I'm a believer – why, just yesterday, after cleaning the kitchen and the two bathrooms, having made mint iced tea, dinner and done the laundry and finally truly lamenting the lack of a good vacuum cleaner, I felt like I'd transcended into a higher state of being. Of course, this could have just been thanks to the ton of chemicals I'd inhaled while on my knees, scrubbing the bath tube etc.

Being an USW allows one to not only carry out such mindless tasks daily, but to imbue them with a higher meaning – while all along living in a germ-free environment. I thank my lucky starts for giving me a chance to fulfill my-until-now, suppressed USW.

Getting to grips with life in LA

2007-03-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

As I came out of my medical exam today - done very painlessly for the Green Card process - I started sobbing. Yes, in public, totally out of control. Thankfully, I had both a tissue at hand and my sunglasses to put on. This is the final wake up call to what seems to be 2 -3 weeks of solid depression. [I don't feel suicidal - I say this because my parents were worried by my silence - I've always been clear that I would never end my life because it would basically destroy too many other lives (my parents, my brother etc). But, I do feel the lowest that I've ever felt in my "almost" 32 years. ]

I expected to feel low with the move to LA and I was prepared for loneliness, lack of motivation etc but not this overwhelming sense of loss and constant questioning of all the decisions made in my life - where has this all come from? I think it’s a combination of feeling completely untethered from everything I've know recently. Yes, I have the boy, who tries his best to help, but he isn't really equipped to deal with other people's depression (to be fair - most people aren't good at handling either their or other's low swings). I think his response is all about action versus contemplation. I'm not ruling that out as the way to go... Anyway, through writing about this and simultaneously trying to "do" stuff, I hope to pull myself out of this funk. If I don't see an improvement in a month's time or if I see a further fall in a shorter span of time, I'll look into counseling.

Today's public and uncontrollable display of tears (and admittedly quite a lot of snot) really shocked me. My gym visits help a lot but I can't help but think that I really need to face and deal with the issues at hand and that however good I feel by running a few miles while listening to my ipod (my true saviour) is just a stop-gap cure.

What are the issues? Well, I think a loss of moorings - where am I? What have I done and what do I want to do? What do I want from this next phase in terms of emotional, physical and spiritual growth? What do I expect from the boy and what can I actually get in terms of emotional support and companionship? I've moved from being truly independent (as much as anyone is) to being dependent on one person for basically most of my needs. I don't have a social safety net and while arguably, I didn't have one on moving to either BRU or BUD or YVR or TO I had other multiple frameworks of reference (job, friends, purpose of move etc), which helped me develop a network around me very quickly. Also, while I landed here running, as I've done with other moves, this time around, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick out of the gate? I was so eager to suppress any low feelings (for the boy's sake as well as mine), that I just bottled everything and now it’s overflowing.

Here in LA I feel irrationally trapped. I also feel lost and unmoored. In many ways, my previous job was all that I had envisioned in terms of professional fulfillment - and I have no idea of what I want to do next - and what I can imagine, doesn't truly excite me (but does offer security and stability). I'm also in no-man's land in terms of what I expect as emotional or "love" goals. Ok, so now we are married, what next? How do we fill up the years - what new things can we discover about each other?

It's of course hard to be positive while feeling depressed and so even events or incidences that would normally give me hope, presently just create a minor blip on my radar. In this no man's land, my current compass is totally useless.

That I have to take back control of my life and emotions is obvious...just charting a way out is the difficult step.

Sigh...so much for landing running...I'm just hoping for standing up straight right now!

Becoming a commodity

2007-02-21T12:16:00.000-08:00

Just got a link to some online photos via the boy's mother's friends (i.e., friends of my mother-in-law) who were at the wedding. And they are lovely. But in all the photos where I am present, the captions read..."the bride" or (let's call the boy 'MARVIN MANIFESTATION' for now), "Marvin's bride" and nowhere is my name mentioned!! I have now become a commodity, a belonging. I know those people mean no harm and I'm sure they are very nice but they are also so culturally separated from me that they see nothing wrong with wording the captions in such a manner. I'm sure they could look up the invite to get my name and really, all things considered, my name is very Indian and VERY easy to remember for Indians. But, basically, neither my name nor my independent identity are of any consequence any longer.

BTW, I have kept my last name and am surprised at how many people just assumed in writing us gift-checks that I would be Mrs. Frida Manifestation! Am I actually more freaked out than called for because I have always secretly suspected his clan of being inherently sexist and this is now further proof? [Though my own clan are hardly models of feminism and arguably only wear a superficial coating of gender equality.]

Or am I even more secretly unsure about my own sense of self and how I measure up to the boy and am actually scared about what I may become? That is, even if working and having my own career, willing to follow my husband anywhere - even when banished from the kingdom and forced to live in the forest for 14 years!! Is that what has taken place here - I self-banished from Brussels and am now in an urban jungle? Am I not my worst enemy? The boy has never asked anything of me but what I have given I've done so freely, imagining this is what I want.

Ok, I need fresh air - I'm going out to buy stuff for our friends arriving from YVR tomorrow. I understand R's determination to give her child her last name and I love her for it! There is something to the whole act of naming in the end.

Goa 2007

2007-02-13T23:12:00.000-08:00

Photo of Char Minar, Hyderabad

2007-02-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

Almost Valentines... and los angelinos...and fitting in

2007-02-13T22:09:00.000-08:00

Well, it is almost Valentines Day 2007 and I get to spend it this year with the boy. We aren't really into V-Day - I find it all a bit teenagy and fabricated. But, it is a nice mid-week excuse this year to go out for dinner and hopefully we will be doing just that. As long as Evil E (economics) doesn't come in the way.

I've decided that I'm an Econ-widow and I'm sure there are quite a few of us - in fact, most must be suffering more than me. It is becoming imperative to get the green light to work and get a job - not really for financial reasons (as yet) but out of a sense of self preservation. My work was my main reference point - providing me with a space to socialise in, my support system and spring-board from which to build networks. I don't have that sort of support system here in LA and while I am managing for now, I'm just about floating. And work kept me intellectually awake (if not inspired at times).

I try to set myself little tasks every day so as to keep different facets of my persona alive. The one I fear slipping is my curiosity. I checked some books out of the UCLA library yesterday in an attempt to fuel my interest. And I decided that apart from my usual dose of fiction, I'd push myself during this 'easy' time to read stuff I don't really enjoy as much, such as poetry, literary critiscism and history. In a way I feel guilty for this "off" time and am veering on the side of being a bit masochistic. But, it's early days yet...

One interesting thing about LA is how nice people are - not the Vancouver sort of niceness, which was a bit boring, but instead an engaging easyness. Whenever one goes to bars, people come up and chat and they aren't weirdos, just friendly really. And for the most party they all seem well travelled. And while people are quite patient at stores and in lines, they aren't overly jolly but just 'cool'. I wonder if I'll continue to think this way about them in a few years.

Another thing, coke is pretty much done by a lot of people here. In NY, I knew people, who knew people who did coke (how sad does that sound?) and I was present at parties where a group may go off to do stuff, but it wasn't really visible all that much. At least in my (poor and innocent) circle. While here in LA, tons of people do it and some of the most surprising souls. And of course Brussels was innocence par excellence - sure, we'd heard that some assistants in the EP did coke regularly but no one was sure if that was really true or just an urban legend. And forget my circle in school or Canada. So all in all, its a bit of a surprise to find myself close to people doing coke at this stage of life (nearly 32). I'd understand weed and shrooms, but coke?? I sound naive, but it seems a bit harsh or somewhat "really serious" and "juvy"...

And not surprisingly, most people here seem generally very highly tuned into pop culture throughout - you can't really escape it (though the boy seems to have skipped it totally and is very proud of that fact) as most of the news is about the stars - and what I would consider gossip, is considered newsworthy, headline items here!!!! I always prided myself on being in the 'know' on pop cult stuff, but I realise I'm actually off the centre out here - I need to do a lot more internet surfing and tv watching, basically. Of course as I do that, the great amount of other news I used to follow is slipping by the wayside. Like, what is happening in the EU? What about Iraq? And other areas of the world (like Afghanistan, Lebanon, Thailand, Nepal)? The biggest news of the last two weeks as far as I can figure out is Anna Nicole Smith's death in a hotel room in Florida.

The fact is I don't fully fit here (as yet), but I'm not quite as bad as a square peg in a round hole though. Certainly not like being in Canada, where for the most part I felt like I was moving at a different speed than everyone else (10x faster basically). Overall, except for the glaring differences, I feel quite comfortable in LA - maybe its just that it is like NY, in the sense that it allows you to be who you want to be, within of course a particularly broad referential framework. So while I think I'll skip the whole coke craze, I'll definately buy into the working out thing, the constant restauranting, and the entertainment business if I can. Oh, and the engaged easyness!

7 years in couple-dom

2007-02-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

Today is 7 years since the boy and I started going out - or to be exact - that fateful night on the couch in 208, East 13th street, NY, NY.

What would I say about our relationship today:

1. I'm shocked that we have made it here;
2. I'm glad we are together in our 30s;
3. I respect his instincts a lot and trust in his reading of situations;
4. I am still surprised by his trusting and giving nature - sometimes to the point of eyebrows being raised;
5. I like and admit that he knows me very well (not, as he claims, better than I know myself);
6. I like how we have both influenced each other in terms of our thoughts, our politics, our attitude to life, our habits and our cooking;
7. I would like us to grow more as a couple -- exploring more about ourselves together and our world - both in the sense of the local and the universal;
8. I wish we would avoid being as competitive with each other as we sometimes find ourselves to be;
9. I would like us to work on talking about our friends and families without getting defensive;
10. I'd like us to remain good friends through the coming years and continue to provide each other with support and treat each other with kindness and respect as we do now;
11. I really, truly hope we stay excited about life - with each other and as individuals; and
12. I hope we create a whole host of lovely new memories in the years ahead.

Will we be together for all eternity - who the hell knows? Will we always love each other? Maybe not! Will we stay faithful to our relationship - I hope so and if not, I hope the disloyalty is worth it - and it may be. You may notice that I don't ask for honesty - everyone has a different understanding of what this means and so it seems empty to ask your partner to "be honest".

I ask mainly for respect and kindness - even in a break up that is all I really want. No manipulative guilt - I wasn't brought up with those games and I don't want to be involved in them at this late point in my life.

I know there are quite a few things for me to work on - in relation to the boy but also in relation to my own well-being. For starters, I have to be stronger in character and know where and when to draw the line (politely). I fear being bulldozed by his side and by him and then reacting with anger after the bulldozing. I am now more aware of the bulldozers (post -wedding) and I have to be strong - even if that means not always being liked. I also have to be a better, quicker communicator - I tend to hold stuff to myself and then suddenly boil over, to the surprise and horror of all involved. I need to be more patient and accepting as well - so that if I don't understand or get a relationship, I still need to leave it be and respect it. I'm sure the boy doesn't understand all my relationships but he gives me space to pursue them.

Being back in the couple-fold after two + years away is difficult. I'm sure it is hard for him as well, as we will see this weekend when wants conflict with time etc. But, it is a re-learning process. I have to say that I really loved my time in Brussels and my independence - but I am happy (very happy) to be back in couple-dom in full form at this point, because if it had waited any longer, I would just not be able to do it again. However much one complains about being single/alone etc - there is great freedom within the state - and that can get really addictive.

There are many things I'd change about us, him, me, the past - both the singular and the collective, but que sera sera...here we are, seven years on, back in the US, just another coast, living together again. This is how the chips have fallen and we have to play with the pack dealt.

I just spoke to my mum and I think my practical, non-romantic tone is getting people down. The fact is I'm happy we got married and I'm happy we are sharing a space again, but I do miss Brussels and my old life. It will pass...but I'm not the sort to live on a cloud - I never have been (except maybe for those few weeks during the summer of 1993 and then again in 2000 and maybe recently in 2006) but overall I'm just not that glowing sort of gal...sorry.

Since we started dating the stuff that has remained constant about me:

1. My love for the Gypsy Kings, golden oldies, world music and sing-alongs of stuff like "those were the days";
2. My passion for reading (when I'm in a book, don't bother talking to me, please);
3. My gut-reaction to be pro-India/Indian;
4. My level of math (has not improved dating a Tamil);
5. My lack of curiosity in the physical explanations of how things work or their origins (refrigeration for example or where electricity comes from);
6. My level of neurosis and anxiety (almost constant amber alert); and
7. My (in)ability to fold clothes properly or chop garlic into miniscule pieces.

What has changed - thanks to the boy:

1. My appreciation for other music - broader listening interests into the 1990s and music of this century;
2. My ability to go with the flow and sometimes to even wing it;
3. An increase in my level of extrovertness, niceness and amount of smiling (I'm really a smiler now!);
4. My ability to deal with and talk myself out of my panic over everything and nothing;
5. My ability to laugh at myself and positively critique my surroundings (me, family, friends);
6. My loyalty - I think I've become a better friend and come to appreciate what friendship can offer - especially in terms of giving more;
7. My health factors - eating, working out, taking time out (balancing life - something you learn to need with a libra around); and
8. My love and understanding of Americans (and what makes them tick).

Overall, it’s been a good seven years run- especially in terms of growing as a person and growing by the side of a good person. A big thanks to the boy for being there and here’s to many more. Cheers.

Superbowl Sunday and blogging from LA

2007-02-04T17:28:00.000-08:00

So, I'm in LA finally and watching the Superbowl - or not! My American self can only extend so far and Superbowl is over the limit - though I do watch the halftime show (this year Prince, as he is once again called, is performing) and I love the critique of the commercials. But no football...surprisingly, my parents are watching it this year eating wings and fries as so should we...

I have so much to write - the boy is cooking right now - he should be studying. I'm all flu-ish, I suspect it’s this bloody throat infection I haven't been able to fully rid myself off for the past month. I guess I should worry a bit more but it will pass.

We are in our new apartment. Let me just say for now that I'm so thrilled to have made it through the packing, goodbyes, unpacking, packing, pre-wedding, wedding, packing, good byes, unpacking, packing phase! Now only some last unpacking to do. I am taking a hiatus from travel of any sort - particularly on a plane. I'm so utterly sick of seeing the inside of my suitcase and living in the same set of clothes. No more I say! No more - I'm here to stay (hopefully).

The wedding was huge - it just seemed to go on and on - though it was fun. Much more fun than expected actually. The pre-wedding tensions and traumas were unbearable and I missed Ruth's sweet counseling and the Brussels girls breaking it all down for me. I would advise against weddings in general - now that I'm on the other side. We have tons and tons of photos of what turned out to be a week extravaganza. Ok, ok, it was fun in the end! I have to admit I danced a lot and the food and drinks and music in all locations were perfect - though like all parties, when someone else is host, all the better. And I can't wait for my bro's wedding though - I have a new respect for couples going through the process.

More on the wedding as I process it and my 6+weeks stay in India!

What about LA - I still feel as if I'm here on one of my weeklong breaks, though I'm not! I do like our new apt - it overlooks the freeway (405) - the only drawback. It is surprisingly nice for being university housing - actually it is much, much nicer than what we could have got otherwise. Let's see how it all transpires. This is married student housing and everyone here is either a single parent, or married, most with kids. The boy and I seem somewhat out of place but I'm sure we will make friends or at least get to know our neighbours. One thing is that there are tons of foreign students here and I suspect that people often think we are that (ok, I am but I'm not that sort of foreigner - I have lived in the US for years!) especially as we are two brown people - and the only other brown couples seem like Indian graduate students and their spouses.

One aspect of people thinking you are a foreigner (only happens when we are dealing with university officials linked to the housing and hence my suspicion that they think we are new to the country) is that they speak verrrrry slowly and LOUDLY. Like the lady (our housing coordinator) who handed us the keys and the guy who came to install a new thermostat. In the case of the housing lady, we were informed that if our parents came for a visit, while the maximum stay for guest is 7 days, if we wrote in an exception could be made and our parents could stay longer - up to 2-3 months as the university was aware that when people traveled all that distance it usually is for a longer trip. All this was said very slowly and loudly with a lot of eye contact and implicit cultural understanding. I think we visibly gagged - the boy pointed out his parents live in WV and mine in GA and they probably would stay a MAX of 7 days if at all (with the implicit understanding that if they stayed longer there would be blood - his, mine, theirs?)!

I'm not offended, it just tires me out. On the streets I'm just another American - Indian or Latina maybe. The other thing that tires me out - but I won't rant about this now - is that because we are married (a given hence the housing), all the university folks say things to me like, "ask your husband about this" or "your husband will know what I'm talking about". Will he?
Hmmmphh...

I will post some photos soon - I have a camera now - thanks to my brother and L's generosity (it's their hand-me down but lovely). I also have a gym membership and plan on working out regularly. And yes, I have a public husband now. How strange!

On a last note, I really miss my friends in Brussels - the work crew, the girlz, the flatmate, and other pals and of course my neighbourhood. Maybe one day we will be back in Europe.

Music as inspiration

2006-11-04T15:50:00.000-08:00

I just want to say that I'm making this public promise to myself to order and buy an ipod ASAP. The fact is, listening to "my" music gives me a real boost and I should get over my fear of listening to music in public (the fear of not being able to hear car horns as I'm run down, to hear sirens as the ambulance comes to get me, the voices of people trying to help etc etc) and GROW UP!!

I listened to S's ipod the other night out and well, I fell in love. So, while I will keep my promise to my mum not to hide in closets or behind doors, to look both ways before crossing the road, to keep my cell phone charged in case of an emergency and to say my prayers, I'll have to ditch the old always be vigilent advice and instead tune in to "Stayin Alive" and tune out to the car horns, ambulances and general "watch out little sister" street warnings.

I'll now probably get pulled into the back of a van and held hostage in a dank cellar...but hey, I'll be "walking on sunshine" :-)

the nation, the state, the state of nations and nation building...

2006-11-03T15:31:00.000-08:00

You know it’s the first thing you learn in a class like Government or Politics 101 - the definition of the nation, the state and the rise of the concept of the nation state. Well, as I leave Brussels, and Europe, I have to start the processing of my experience here, in the midst of the great European project. Can there really be a, “one European state” /a one EU state in the future - especially if each current member state stays the way it is – that is, very much each its own a nation, deeply connected to what it considers its core identity? Can the European project really be a success with such absolute nation states as Italy and France, when by definition, the EU success calls for the sublimation of such nationality? Or is it, that such nationality will be replaced by a larger feeling and what we are actually talking about is not the end of nationality as we know it, but the rise of new type – of a supra-nationality?

I would like to add here that I suspect this initial lack of nationalism in Belgium is one of the real reasons the EU institutions are based here in Brussels – as Belgium, the beloved, is the only state I can think of, on the “Continent” that is so deeply divided over its national identity – French vs. Flemish vs. Belgian, that we can carry our this supra-nationality experiment on its soil? I mean can you imagine us, living our totally un-Belgian lives, insisting on un-Belgianness in let’s say a more French or German or Italian or even British Belgian? Where else could the project have been placed really? Everywhere else there wouldn't have been any "space" to incorporate another identity, except maybe London, but then again, London is cosmopolitan, not European. The fact is through its divisive nature, the project has found a natural home in Belgium and Brussels – building the new European in the absence of a strong sense of competing nationality or common identity.

*****

I guess the Euro is always offered up as an example of the move away from nationality - because though laws on competition and the environment for example were harmonised before the euro, no one in the general public seems to care that much that decision making powers on these issues have been weakened at member state level. But currency was the first real “symbol” to be handed over to the EU and it seems to have gone smoothly, though it also brought with it such ease (I mean, it seems really archaic and a pain in the ass when you cross over to the UK and have to change money!!) that Europeans (well most) could easily accept it. But what about other things? Can there ever be a true European state – where people feel first and foremost “European” and follow a European foreign service and civil servants, imagining and prioritizing issues on a European scale vs. a French, British, Danish or Spanish scale? And if so, would it attempt to be a nation state, constructing a story of its birth? In a way, that is what the failed (and boring) constitution tried to do - create the start of a nation and it seemed too much for Europeans - a step to far - too soon. And if Europe became a state, what would its core identity be - some basic agreement on Europe's Christian roots? Commonality cannot exist on food (think pasta vs. potatoes) or fashion or language or even a sense of humour…

*****

I mean, look at project India (which really was a created nation state if ever there was historically a “Hindustan”, which arguably has only existed in our post-Mughal memory) – it’s a story of a united "us" against "them" (first the Brits, then the Pakistanis). What about the common linkages? For India it certainly wasn't language, though for the elite it was by de-facto English. In Europe, language is such a HUGE issue and the battle for dominance between English and French is still taking place (with the French lagging, I may add). Religion is also an uniting factor - in India, while we are multi-religious, arguably we are more than anything else, Hindu, with 80% of the population considering themselves Hindu and Hinduism mostly gently influencing even how we practice other religions and our secular life. And of course, our problematic inter-communal history is both famous and sadly our present, defining us but also strengthening the idea of "us".

In the end, it seems that what has linked India so far is a good story (or set of stories - the Mahabharata, the Ramayana, the long fight for Independence, the birth of a nation, Gandhi etc), spun by Bollywood and churned out through once state only controlled radio and TV and reinforced through food, holidays and traditions. In that sense, Europe doesn't have a story of this new era - its stories seem to linger around WWII, the Crusades, and general in-fighting of European states. The European project tried to resurrect a sense of the origins of Europe from Greece and Rome, but that just doesn't seem to have worked. The problem is the EU is not sexy and is just too bureaucratic to sell to the public.

It was easy to sell the India project – we’re talking about a different, less cynical time, when women were girls and men were men, and white people ruled and the song of the day was “civilization” – with the first line “So bongo, bongo, bongo, I don't wanna leave the Congo”… but damn, we had a good tale. I mean we had a good guy, who came out of Africa, walked our land, spun cloth, gave up sex, and sifted his own salt. We had a bad guy who drank like a fish and spoke beautiful English, and a brave, charismatic leader, who went to Oxford and was more English than Indian, and oh yes, we had hope, oh, so much hope. And now, we exist in the era of google, when not only have the natives got restive, but have risen up and think they can rule, girls are guys and men…well, we don’t know what happened to men!

No seriously, I do feel that if the EU wants to move forward (vertically versus horizontally) it has to reinvent itself – sadly the Eurovision contest just doesn’t do it as it still pits one country against another (and less and less even European Union member states). The introduction of the last set of countries, and now Bulgaria and Romania in 2007 and the continuous talks of Turkey, the Balkans etc joining, just weakens the way the story can be told. Yes, what the EU needs is a good story - like Aliens arriving and a European/EU constructed team of good men and women go out to save the land (if this sounds familiar to you - thank Hollywood, Goldblum and Smith).
Or maybe I'm behind the times and the story is already being spun - except in the place of the aliens, because we've been waiting and the galactic bastards haven't got here as yet (the Belgians provided the directions and the aliens are still trying to land on Mars), we've introduced the migrant. And when we all feel sufficiently scared of being swamped, our jobs lost, our women raped, our babies eaten - a team of hot shot Commissioners can go out there and stop the barbarians at the gates, the EU can save us and the world as we know it, and a lovely, united nation can be born. See, nation building was easier back when wikipedia was just a weird sound and we all still wanted to believe in a good story.

*****
Or maybe, maybe, maybe, the EU has to face the fact that any project started on such a dry scale as money making and money saving (the brain childe of the Benelux) can’t capture the hearts of people. Because maybe we haven’t changed that much and what we want are leaders and not managers – and hey the age of the leader seems to have ended – in Europe and pretty much everywhere else. Now, the people running the planet are economists and MBA students still wearing braces and we aren’t left with dreamers or visionaries. And that my friends, is reflected in all sorts of aspects of life…our tryst with destiny is over, in so, so many ways.

In the end, I offer you the words: http://hamaracd.com/hcdinternational/Asp/DirectSelection.asp?field=song&value=PT.JAWAHARLAL+NEHRU%60S+SPEECH+-+TRYST+WITH+DESTINY&CatId=24

All Saints Day

2006-11-01T14:37:00.000-08:00

How lovely is it to have a four-day work week? AMAZINGLY LOVELY!! Except that now I wish I had a three-day work week...

Of course today also feels like a Sunday, which is always a let down. That awful, heavy, Sunday evenning feeling to be exact. Went out to Sablon for PQ brunch - just super and next time will start with my croissant because I can't do all the bread and the tartine isn't the best. Though the egg was quite perfect. Then walked home via the park behind the Hilton, took a nap and watched SATC, season 6 episodes with R (who by the way is pregnant and looking fab!) And realised it can't really feel like a Sunday as none of this could have taken place on a Sunday because R's not around on weekends - hah! My only regret is well, that it all had to end so quickly, and suddently it is 11.30 pm and my nation vs state post is to be shelved for tomorrow cos I'm typing kinda funny now.

My last thought as I go to bed: Can't wait for Saturday - hey, and I love my job too!

My really last thought: panic attacks on moving have to end as of today and instead I have to prioritise and focus on practical issues to get me through these zooming weeks. Unfortunately, I will have to deal with HR so I better just bite the bullet and start all the closing procedures.

God, I do so love a four day work week!!

lazy saturday

2006-10-21T05:22:00.000-07:00

This is a quickie - woke up late, kinda hungover, great party at JP's last night, crawled home around 4 am, got to also wear a blonde wig and drink (at least in the beginning) some really nice red wine.

Off to Bozar for the India exhibit - I probably will spend a bit of time every weekend there as there is so much to see, but I have to rush as N's train arrives soon from the NDLs. Here is the link to the bozar festival:
http://www.bozar.be/activity.php?id=6466&

We are in the middle of sending out the invites (finally!) and people seem to love them! I have about 18-20 friends coming from my side - not counting family and family friends. Sadly, some of my oldest and closest friends won't be able to make it - I totally understand - between jobs and babies etc., life is pretty hectic, in addition to India being an expensive destination to fly to. What is nice is a chance to collect everyone from different parts and times of my life togehter, in one place. I'm realising the magic of marriage now - it gives us a chance to celebrate the very thing that makes us humans tick - LOVE (shared between partners, family and community)!

Last two thoughts of this quickie: 1. Gave in Resignation Letter on Monday; 2. Have to put links to friends blogs.

Photos from the Middle East

2006-10-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

Finally, a few photos of the trip to Syria, Jordan and Lebanon - with a big thanks to my co-traveller and good friend, H - who was the official photographer of the trip and as you can see did a great job (click on each photo):

1. On the road to Damascus...

2. 50 Cent in Beirut

3. Hezbollah being welcomed back

4. Destruction along the coastal highway into Beirut

5. Damascus 1

6. Damascus 2

7. One of my border pals

8. Entering Damascus in the afternoon

9. Construction in the desert

10. Middle class dreams - Amman

Reading Maximum City in LaLa Land

2006-10-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm in LaLa Land for 3 days, visiting the boy, and essentially coming to terms with the idea that I will soon be living here! First of all, let me say the weather is, as usual, just simply gorgeous. That should be enough of a reason to joyfully move I guess...especially after Brussels!

I read Suketu Mehta's "Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found" in one day - I literally gobbled it up yesterday, reading on the plane, at UCLA and then at home. I loved it in the same way that I adore good ice-cream, it is delicious and easy to eat, even filing and arguably nutritious, but while lacking something substantial, still rumination provoking. Mehta made me once again consider (and face) the deep anti-Pakistani sentiment we Indians seem to share and our more hidden, anti-Muslim feelings. It is as if for our country to exist we have to create an opposite to measure ourselves against – we are secular, they are religious; we are open, they are closed; we are democratic, they are despotic etc etc. While India is, as pointed out by Mehta, surrounded by Muslim countries, the only one that engages our imagination as much and that we struggle against, both at our borders and in our hearts, is Pakistan.

Mehta talks a lot about Bombay as this big mixing and melting pot and I'm trying to remember how it was living in Juhu, just opposite Sea Princess (mentioned in the book) - I guess ours are what Mehta calls a "cosmopolitan" building/buildings. We had Catholics, Parsis, Jains, and Hindus living and playing together. In addition, the families were Bengali, Maharashtrian, Gujarati, Goan, East Indian, Punjabi, etc. We had only one Muslim family (in the building next to ours), with a son named like the famous Pakistani cricket captain (ahem). I don't remember any slurs being tossed about by us kids – we did have the occasional joke, usually about the Parsis, and made by the Parsis, but it seemed that though we were aware of our differences, we continued to exchange sweets on holy days and generally felt a bond based on the buildings we lived in (Neptune, vs. Sea Queen etc) rather than along religious or regional lines. In fact we even had kids who were from "mixed marriages", which in those days was quite adventurous and basically meant a Punjabi married to a Gujarati, or a Parsi married to a Catholic. I do remember talking to the building boys about the first set of Hindu-Muslim riots as one of them (a Hindu) had a Muslim girlfriend. I guess I was lucky that my first images of life and of India were so heterogeneous. Strangely though, while different boys pursued us, and we flirted back, I don’t remember us ever considering a relationship (a teenage love) with anyone non-Catholic - that seemed somewhat out of bounds.

What does all the above, my first influences on love and longing, say about my current choice?

I also took note of Mehta's naming of Northwest Bombay, in particular, Juhu and Bandra, as the Beverly Hills of Bombay, "where the stars live and work" (p155- Number two after Scotland Yard). In some bizarre cosmic way, back again, here I am in star-studded land, especially if we end up living in West Hollywood - actually all a waste on me - because though I love the movies, I'm just not infatuated by the stars (of neither Hollywood nor Bollywood). I have memories of going to some Bollywood royalty’s houses, and seeing them at weddings and the clubs we just naturally frequented in our area, but never running after them. I guess we were blasé about it because we went to school with their kids and lived in the midst of them.

The parts of the book that I enjoyed the most were the discussions on the links and similarities between organised crime and terrorism. I agree that there is a litany of global woes of jihadists - and not without some basis - from Afghanistan, to Chechnya, to Palestine, to Bosnia, to Kashmir, and now to Iraq (and possibly Gujarat), which not only reinforces the idea of Islamaphobia but focuses on each crisis as a matter of survival of Islam (the global fight), so that territorial disputes such as Kashmir, Chechnya and Palestine are elevated to struggles of the "uma" and equated with the authentic acts of genocide against Muslims, such as Bosnia and Gujarat. What Mehta clearly shows is that terrorism is just another name for organised crime, this time just adopting and using a larger cause than just money or fame to achieve the same prize – power. The “partnerships” built up between terrorist groups such as the LTTE and Al Qaeda and the IRA and between terrorist groups and gangland (Dawood in the case of Bombay, but the Chechen mafia in Russia) show that blowing someone up for religion or land is the same as shooting them for debts not paid.

In the end, I feel that what Mehta really does a good job highlighting, is a Bombayite’s love for Bombay, the very idea of Bombay vs. Mumbai, and the need for a symbol of a city like Bombay in the minds of Indians and the Indian national story. In many ways, Bombay, like the Quit India struggle, is one of the strong threads binding the patches of cloth that make up the Indian quilt.

Migration today

2006-09-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

The whole EU is in a tizzy about the Canary Islands and the Senegalese migrants stranded there, literally on the doorstop of Europe. In tandem with this the UN just held its High Level Dialogue (HLD) on Migration and Development, which my office worked a lot on in terms of preparing papers for our colleagues in GV and NY. Very interesting stuff is coming out these days - the issue of migration can't be avoided or ignored any longer and while it seems through the pictures even more of a North-South story than ever before, the tale is in fact far more nuanced than that.

For example, everyone thought the G77 of the developing nations would make a strong statement at the HLD in NYC (mid-Sept), in support of the migrant (worker), and in support of an international mechanism to manage migration, but in the end the G77 was divided between some sending nations, such as the Philippines and other "receiving" nations like Saudi Arabia or even Jordan. In addition, some states like India, a sending nation, but also receiving (in regional terms) and a nation with both high and low skilled workers, was quite silent through the dialogue, mainly due to its allergy to multilateral discussions. Then there were the expected attitudes of certain players - the UK being staunchly against any UN-related body being set up to coordinate migration, or to push the migration dialogue onto another level (and away from the control of the nation state). And then some real surprises, like little old Belgium. One sure fact was the linkage made and the strengthening of the acceptance of the linkage between migration and development.

How fascinating is all of this? We will look back at these times and probably shake our heads wondering why we never dealt with migration on a more global, coordinated, and managed scale and instead pushed for national sovereignity on this issue. First of all, the EC will look back and shake its head as they should be the first to move forward on "regional" coordination and pan-national mechanisms. But, anyway, EU bashing aside, migration today is what the environment was as a hot topic 15 years ago, with the same realisation taking place that we can only handle this on a pan-global level. The difference of course is the highly volatile nature of migration and how we (senders and receivers) perceive cultural changes through migration.

Some issues of interest: brain drain, brain waste, remittances as development aid, illegal/irregular migration, redefining of "refugee" and asylum, economic migrants, amnesties, citizenship, labour migration/legal migration, returns and readmission, migrant centres in the doorways of the developed world (like Libya for Africa), highly skilled migrants vs low skilled and domestic workers, rights of the migrant and the migrant worker, role of the diaspora etc etc.

Fascinating...just fascinating... and I feel privileged to be here, in the middle of the chaos and chatter, experiencing this era of change.

my personality test results

2006-09-24T04:04:00.000-07:00

My Personality


Neuroticism	71
Extraversion	71
Openness To Experience	43
Agreeableness	37
Conscientiousness	40

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Under Neuroticism it says this about me:
You feel tense, jittery, and nervous and often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. You may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. You feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. Mostly your emotions are on an even keel and you do not get depressed easily. You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you. You feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. High levels of stress can lead to you feeling panic or confusion, but usually you cope with day to day pressures.

And Extraversion:
You genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. You make friends quickly and it is easy for you to form close, intimate relationships. You find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding, and you enjoy the excitement that crowds provide. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You love bright lights and hustle and bustle. You are likely to take risks and seek thrills. You experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy.

Openness to Experience:
Often you find the real world is too plain and ordinary for your liking, and you use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world for yourself. You are reasonably interested in the arts but are not totally absorbed by them. Generally you are not considered to be an emotional person, however you are aware of and in touch with your emotions. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You enjoy a certain amount of debate or intellectual thought, but sometimes get bored with too much. You like the security of tradition, but sometimes have a desire to bend the rules and challenge conventional thinking.

Agreeableness:
You mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You will help others if they are in need. If people ask for too much of your time you feel that they are imposing on you. You do not enjoy confrontation, but you will stand up for yourself or push your point if you feel it is important. You feel superior to those around you and sometimes tend to be seen as arrogant by other people. You are mostly a compassionate person, however you prefer to make objective judgments when possible.

Conscientiousness:
Often you do not feel effective, and may have a sense that you are not in control of your life. You are a reasonably organized person and like to have a certain amount of routine in your life. You find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining and are sometimes seen as unreliable or even irresponsible by others. You strive hard to achieve excellence. Your drive to be recognized as successful keeps you on track toward your lofty goals. You often have a strong sense of direction in life, but may sometimes be too single-minded and obsessed with your work. You have a reasonable amount of will-power and are able to follow through on tasks that you feel you need to complete. You can be distracted however and have been known to procrastinate. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.
******

While I don't agree with everything described above, I agree with the majority of the results. And in the end, I just LOVE personality tests. It has been a slow Sunday so far, with Friday a party night of great proportions. Sticking to wine and having a meal during the evening saved me. I'm feeling generally ok and a bit numb - about work, the future, the wedding etc. I realise this is a rut, in terms of emotional levels, since mid-August I've gone from high to low to middle. The middle level is the most dangerous because I can slip into low and not really realise it. In addition, when in middle level, I just can't activate myself to do anything productive. This is about it - and reading 2 books in 1 day. I have forms to fill out, website content to develop etc etc and next week is London with the girls. AAGH!

superficial vs serious worries

2006-09-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

I think superficial worries are just as equal to serious worries, but one should at least be aware of how to categorize one's own worries. Here is my list:

Superficial:
1. My hair (thinnning! badly cut! not in good shape)
2. My hips (no more on these)
3. Looking good for the wedding (me in a sari!)
3b. Not tripping during the whole wedding week (drunk or sober)
4. My passport photo (got to get rid of it!)
5. What people will remember of the wedding
6. What my new boss thinks of me (I should give a flying F for a number of reasons)
7. What my old boss really thinks of me (though reading the signs he seems to have loved me and valued my work)

Serious:
1. That the wedding goes off well
2. That my paperwork to the US is smooth
3. My Syrian stamps don't put me on a terrorist list or get me body/cavity searched
4. Saving money

Then the worries that haunt me and are just me (that is- paranoid and a little OTT):
1. Getting run over in the next few months and becoming paralysed
2. Something happening to my family members or the boy (!)
3. Getting fired before I put in my resignation
4. Everyone at the office deciding they hate me, esp my group (dream of this)
5. Burning down the apt or some problematic issue taking place, like the apt being burgled etc. (worry every morning)

I feel decidely tense. urgh! On the other hand, by acknowledging my worries I also feel more in control. If you met me you wouldn't think I had a care in the world, especially not on a Friday night drinks party. But, my close friends know I'm neurotic. But at least I can categorise the sane, the superficial and the crazy worries. See, I'm normal after all.

Highlight of the week: Brussels beer festival

2006-08-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

The title pretty much says it all! It has been a blah week with the only highlight being the upcoming beer festival at Grand Place. I am committed to drinking/trying more than five beers (I tried four last year) as this year I'm not bogged down with French friends (and instead have picked a good beer drinking crew - Belgian, Canadian, Portuguese, maybe a Brit or two, and some Italians).

I was called my funky mood tonight and in talking I realised, it isn't the boy who has put me in this mood - it's me! After the high of Lebanon I'm feeling depressed, added to that is exhaustion, bad weather, mis-behaving skin and general hair disasters. In addition, the whole new boss thing is sending me ga-ga, as it is for others I work with. In my case, I want to be one of my old boss's chosen ones - and maybe I will be - maybe I won't. I'm leaving, so I shoudn't say yes, even if he asks me to join him and really, why am I constantly looking for his approval? Wasn't Lebanon, Aceh, Dubai/Afghanistan and China etc etc enough? All I know is I had two work dreams last night - neither very pleasant and I woke up feeling annoyed and let down by my subconscious.

I think I need a new, healthier attitude at work, something in line with my upcoming departure. I can't reduce my 100% input drastically, because I would (and do) feel lost and need constant stress of some sort (admit it you stress junky!), but I should start winding down and looking ahead.

I can't wait to go home and see my parents in early October! I think that will also give me some time to gain perspective and re-start my internet searching for stuff in Lala land.

So, in a blah week the things I have to be thankful for are:
1. R for always putting stuff in context and making me think and smile;
2. Living in Brussels where a beer festival is guaranteed to be fabulous;
3. Excellent friends and colleagues, who make me laugh and put up with my moods;
4. The boy for being himself;
5. The Belgian Police for their niceness and innability to do anything/lack of toughness; and
6. Getting a salary for stuff I love to do!!!

Hey, you couldn't ask for more (except for better hair). I don't want to trivialise my blog any further, but one posting will have to be on the hair and hair cut. Let me just say this - if it isn't all "right" by 3 Jan 2007, I'll be shattered!

Growing Up - que sera, sera...

2006-08-27T05:09:00.000-07:00

It suddenly seems as if everyone is pregnant or already has a baby - two of my close girlfriends (the trendsetters - first to marry etc., - though since they are dating each other, I count them as one), B's brother, R's 3 guy friends, M and M etc etc. I'm really happy for all of them but of course I'm also a bit weirded out - suddenly we're entering totally new territory, true adulthood! I can see the world changing in front of me and I'm mesmerized that it is actually happening. I always imagined myself as a mother, but in a sort of vague, “wouldn’t it be fun” kind of way, on the same level as the “wouldn’t it be fun to live off the grid” fantasy. (That old line that I can't even look after a plant, is well, frankly old.) Understand this - I don't want to have a child - for now. I am not ready and I'm just getting used to being a wife/partner, but suddenly this next step in "growing up" seems real. This extended youth is coming to a close – whether we like it or fight it – adulthood is now shadowing us, and to try and run away from it is a mistake. And here’s something, should I never be a mother, others around me will, and my life will change regardless.

For example, I spent Friday night out with the girls, we drank four pitchers of sangria, had a marvelous time at El Papagayo and closed the place down (thanks to the ownership who let us be as loud as we wanted, gave us extra lollipops, the great service and amazing Euro 10 -3 course meal) and really enjoyed the night because we had no one dependent on us or who we had to think about...apart from our boyfriends. That ease of being "free" probably wouldn't exist if we had kids - even if someone was babysitting them and we could stay out all night, the next day would be hell! With this recent spate of pregnancies (and of course the already documented marriage mania) I can see that nights like Friday at el papagayo will soon become rare, and while we will miss them, we'll feel fulfilled in other ways (hopefully!)

According to B, even when I'm wild, I'm maternal - I looked after her really well on Friday, as she was feeling all fluey. I like that, because that's how I imagine my aunt/mother persona - a bit crazy but solid and loving.

Only time will tell. And as my mum used to sing, "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be".

For now, I'm very thankful for my life - for a night like el papagayo, for such lovely friends, for having ginger ale at home to greet me on a painful Sat morning, for the Belgian police (to be detailed at another time) and for living in a society where I can go out on my own and not have to chaperoned by a man! And as for the future, I can only hope whatever path I'm own, it works out as well.

Last note: El Papagayo, Latin American Food (and more!)
6 place Rouppe, 1000 Brussels, Tél. 02/514.50.83

August in Brussels

2006-08-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

August in Brussels is dull at the best of times – everyone flees the city for long, sun-kissed holidays and the weather is overcast and grey. This August is as expected - windy, rainy and empty - and more. The month seems to be dragging on with very little to report in terms of highlights. We are all exhausted at work, unsure what September and October will hold for us and generally feeling lethargic. I think Lebanon gave me a spark (and a serious stress) from mid-July to now but it is ending and we are returning to our ruts. I reviewed two reports today, both on border management, and realise how much of my time is spent keeping people out of countries rather than facilitating their entry.

I have to go to the police and report my missing ID cards. Though there should be no problem I’m depressed by the idea of more paperwork. If I can’t deal with the minute amounts of personal paperwork here in Brussels, hell knows how I’ll manage in the US where one’s life is run by credit cards, bills, payments due etc. I’ve just got out of the loop of dealing in a capitalist society and the stuff I miss, like shops open late, great customer service etc., quality and quantity and choice of goods, all come at a price!

I’ve decided that the wedding website will be my new focus – to really get it off the ground and working as a useful tool. I complain that the boy takes too long in getting things done, but I haven’t really taken on any one wedding project to date. I’m also going to start compiling music for the wedding. I realise that to see my way through this drizzly August in some sane state, I’ll have to energise myself and no one else can do it for me.

Have I mentioned before my love for cities? I realised it after Damascus that everyone has something that brightens their life – for some people it’s a new love, for others it’s the great outdoors/a nature landscape, or new acquisitions (clothes, jewellery, or cars), etc. For me it’s discovering a city. I thrive on the idea of making a city mine, of conquering a little part of it – both physically and in my imagination. Sadly, like those people who tire of their new acquisition, their new love, etc., I tire of my cities and am ready after an average of 2 years to move on, to rediscover. I am not fickle in my love of the boy and my family. But I’m so, so fickle in my love of cities. And this feeling, this heavy August dullness, of being antsy in addition to a growing ennui, is a sign of the end of my love affair with Brussels. In November it will be 2 years. I’m so predictable… the only question now is where next? La-la land seems where I’m headed and for at least 3-4 years. I suspect though, that like NYC, it’ll keep me busy and on my toes for more than a two-year stretch.

The Mashreq - Damascus, Beriut, Amman part II

2006-08-24T04:13:00.000-07:00

I finally have a break in a three week work-a-thon. This whole Lebanon crisis situation has taken a good year off my life, though every minute has been worth it. Or so I can say now that it seems to be coming to an end.

I know when I leave I’m going to miss all of this- the highly political work, the stress, the constant demands to be tuned in and “on” – both mentally and physically. But, at the same time I can’t help but think one can only live this way for the long-term if you accept smoking, drinking and singledom as your mantra. Basically, to survive and succeed you have to marry the job (and the org!) and fully invest your soul in the political intricacies If this had taken place 10 years ago I may have been ready to do so, but now in my 30s, I am aware of the emptiness of committing one’s self to one’s work alone. You can’t have everything in life at one go, but if you are lucky, I think you can just enjoy all the phases, and I’m ready for another phase.

Parallels to Punjabis and living life to the full:
Now, let me just say this about the Mashreq (Jordan, Syria, Lebanon etc) – the people live their life to the fullest. It’s an interesting mix between being European to some degree, and still maintaining Asian roots. The same penny-pinching you see in the South of India is missing – in fact, the closest I can place the Mashreq to is the Punjab and Punjabis, but with a stronger western twist added in. For all those India lovers, I really don’t need to say any more. The women in all three cities (Amman, Damascus and Beirut) were gorgeous and dressed very well and showed a lot of skin (and did so openly – not something you necessarily see in Northern India). But I would say that modernisation and a western outlook is still only a veneer throughout the region. For example, you may think you are in a western town but then you go into some bars (at five star hotels) and they are full of men – the only women being a handful of Russians working the joint. In the same vein, groups of young, good-looking, well-dressed people wander the streets, parading themselves and enjoying the warm nights – but most of the groups are single-sex. One day I wore a skirt in Amman and regardless of my modest shirt etc., the skirt received a lot of attention. Very strange, when women in tinsy little tank tops were surrounding me- but they were local and of course not to be touched! I heard a lot of stories from the expatriate women in the region that they were often approached by men in the street or by taxi drivers etc for sex etc. This reminds me of my experience with Pakistani cab drivers in NYC – in the end it just seemed safer to walk home at midnight than catch a cab!

Of course in comparison to Europe, there is something very sexy and vibrant about the Middle East – more so than India in some ways. The night life in Damascus carried on to the early hours, with restaurants full to the brim, people out picnicking in parks, and having fund. In Amman, the streets were a little emptier, partly as it is a spread out city in comparison to Damascus and very new in its infrastructure. But, the restaurants were all bustling. And then there’s Beirut, which I think must never sleep – even as bombs fall. One expatriate said that he loved the Jordanians partying and then came to Beirut and realised what real partying is about!

Border Management Issues:
From a professional point of view, I was shocked at border security. I can’t really cross a border any more without rating its security systems and use of biometrics, checking of identification documents etc. And while Lebanon and Jordan were the better (and the Lebanese strive to be very strict and cautious of their borders), all three countries have some serious issues in terms of docu-checking, visa fraud etc. Syria is of course totally porous – the desert really seems immense and all the crossings are wrought with dust and crowds clambering to be let in or out. At one border, all the Syrians push to put their ID cards forward, papers jumbled and falling all around. Then a guard, using a loudspeaker, calls out the names: “Mohammad Qadr”, “Rafiq Ali” etc etc. Of course there is no way to ascertain in this made melee that Mohammad Qadr is in fact the same Mohammad in the banged up ID card handed in. On our drive out of Amman to Damascus, we passed the road to Baghdad. In seven hours we could have been in that city. I can’t go into too much detail, but let’s just say that at one crossing into Syria, we basically paid one of the guards for our visas (hard currency is the magic word). By the time we left Beirut, we’d spent so much time on the Lebanese-Syrian border, that the guards all knew me, and greeted H and I very heartily as we wheeled our cases along the non-man’s land bridge.

Call to Prayer:
The other interesting thing for me was to hear the call to prayer again. It really evoked a lot of old feelings and images from Bahrain. In Damascus, where the call was more prominent and even though I’m not Muslim, nor am I very religious any longer, I understand the power of the call – it reminds you of God and of your duty. The Middle East and the Mashreq can always be romanticised, and in fact, is done so too easily by Europeans, with the result that the dangerous side of the region is hidden or overlooked. I think it is only through living in the region that one gets to see the darker side, including the absolute acceptance of slavery – of women, foreign domestic workers, anyone who threatens the system etc. And what is really the hardest thing to overcome is the bond between the boys – here we see the true meaning of the boys club. A foreign male may be included but no women are ever let in. I think this is one reason why so many of our more Emergency-Field colleagues love staying in the region and not having to deal with women (in the West or in the Arab world).

A region of conflict and contradictions:
Basically, the region seemed rife with contradictions. How can we (the Europeans, the US) plan a “road map” or provide answers when we ourselves are such outsiders and only see the superficial picture? On talking to a number of Jordanian Christians, there seemed to be a great distrust of the Shia Muslims, but toleration of the Sunni. The Christians themselves are divided into sects – drums, Syrians etc., and for the most part get along and intermarry but the communities are not always on such peaceful terms. In addition, entering Beirut, a majority of the returning cars carried Hezbollah flags and where once the rough understanding was Muslim Lebanese for Hezbollah, Christian Lebanese anti-Syrian, the recent conflict has muddied these distinctions. In Syria, a land I always attached to Islam and fundamentalism, the Christian community is alive and well placed, with the Christian old city full of commerce. The only thing seemingly linking the different groups of people is anti-Israeli feeling. And if there had been any sympathy for Israel, tucked away in some community, the conflict, the incessant bombing of a Lebanon trying to rebuild itself, the images of crying children and the descriptions of the stench of the dead under the rubble have erased it all.

My excuse to drink:
Btw, on our second night in Amman, Le Meridien was all booked (UAE football team) up and we had to move to the infamous Radisson SAS hotel! I was kindly informed by my friend at the UN who works on risk analysis that in most parts of the world bombings do not occur again at the same place, EXCEPT in the Middle East, which strangely sees a pattern of repeat attacks. How lovely – this explains H and going out that night and getting blotto and me smoking 3 cigarettes.

Damascus, Beirut and Amman - posting #1

2006-08-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

I got back on Friday from a duty travel (work trip) to Damascus, Beirut and Amman. It was a week of intense images, really tight schedules, a lot of stress and some fabulous connections with people and places. I fell in love with Damascus - the same way I fell in love with Istanbul all those years ago. I haven't felt like this for a city in 15 years. It was like spiritually coming home and my body tingled everytime we entered the city. I really liked Amman, and Beirut is of course superb, even in post-conflict situations. But, neither clicked with me the same way as Damascus did.

The work was amazing - we travelled the whole region, preparing our report and seeing every aspect of this huge project. It was all very political (with regard to the project, the in-house rivalries, and the larger world political context) and tired me out emotionally and physically. In many ways, I'm mentally stuck in the region. I woke up today wondering how they are doing in Beirut, Miss S has left, how is V? What is Mo-mo doing now etc etc. On one hand I was regaled with stories of cruelty towards the domestic workers who we are helping evacuate Beirut (over for now), and on the other hand I was amazed by the generosity and kindness of all the people in the region - from the rich to the poor.

The food was amazing though I didn't touch a single arab sweet sadly! But, I got seriously hooked on the shisha/hookah/nargeela/hubbly bubbly. My favourite flavour is Rose. I didn't get to do any shopping and one consequence of that is my surroundings were full of men (spending time at work, border crossings, the bar and cafes) and less interaction with women from the region and chances to chat to them. I did chat to a lot of people though and met one or two non-work related people who I will keep in touch with.

I travelled with H from work - friend and work mate. It was up and down and I'm happy we are close enough so we could fight with ease. I couldn't have done the trip without him - he was great though pushy. I'm not a field person though I like emergency work. But, I'm more about long-term strategy and outcomes. Emergency work is for the now, the present, and is without very much context and all about operations and just getting the job done quickly and well. I did find the pace quite a surprise --- you have to be young to keep doing it. I heard a few stories of serious illnesses after emergency stints.

Are all emergency situations full of unspoken tension? It seems like that? Is that because there are fewer women (hence sexual tension) or because the intensity of what you are doing heightens all situations? Or because you work, eat, sleep and depend on these people 24/7? Any way, per my past experience with the Afghanistan crew, everyone is more open to life and people are far less bitchy or stuck up. The emergency lot are really down to earth and the good ones are thinkers as well.

Having said the above, I would be fine with the boy going on emergency work and to post-concflict zones. I may or may not join him, but I would be fine with him going - I know deep down this is his stuff, if not totally mine. I think Alex's situation in S is the best. He's there doing what he loves, but with his wife and kid.

So much to say and to process...hope to get some photos from H of the trip and will post them here.

It is good to be home but I feel disconnected. Also, this isn't totally home and so I'm really in between places - one foot out and one foot in. Could I get to work in Damascus, I wonder? How could I wangle this? I would have to learn Arabic and focus on the region in some way.

One totally positive result of this trip is I now (thanks to the Syrian's propensity for large and colourful visas) have ONLY 3 full pages left in my passport. If I play my cards well (travel a lot soon!) I can get a new pssport soon (in less than one year really) and have a NEW PHOTO taken. Ha ha, no more, mexican maid murder suspect!

Back to work

2006-07-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

I just returned from an amazing, e-mail free, two weeks away, with the Boy, in NYC, Princeton and then Maui. So much to write!! It was a truly glorious and much needed break. I don't even realise that I'm burning out until I get away and feel free. Though dreams of work dogged my whole sleep time -- partly because I felt out of contorl since I didn't compulsively check (work) email.

More later... am about to pass out with exhaustion as I went straight into work and tackled some heavy stuff before dragging my ass out around 7 pm. The Italy -German match cleared out the office earlier. Tomorrow Portugal play France. I predict a German-French play-off. woo hoo.

How great is love and friendship? I felt very blessed the whole trip and have my parents to thank for everything. They are just the best!

weddings, weight, and watching LOST

2006-06-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

I'm getting really excited about the wedding. I mean really excited! This morning the boy and I realised we hadn't booked our own air tickets, though we've been busy advising others to do so quickly!

My wedding is in India - in two locations - one in a city I don't know well but is full of mystery and that I loved instantly on visiting it once, years ago. The boy's family comes from further south, but they live there now. It is a city full of contradictions - old and modern (the new tech haven), Muslim king and population in a Hindu, dravidian state. The other area/location is at the beach on the West Coat of India - a very Catholic area that I originate from and love, though I've never lived there. As the boy says, they are both places we have fond memories of and that we long to share with others.

It is completely thanks to our mums and our aunts (and our dads) that all this can even take place. I hope I can do half as much for my kids at some point. I want to provide a good time to my guests and for people to go back with happy memories. I also have to lose weight - I need to lose a few inches of my hips for sure. I've never been a dieter and an ok exerciser, but now I'm serious. I have 6 months and I'd feel more confident but since February (4 months ago), I haven't seen that much change. I have to try harder and be more committed.

I cut my hair recently so it would be healthy and long in time for the wedding. How crazy, but I'm all in to it now and I try my best not to talk about it unless someone asks and then speak just a bit about it. And they ask. A traditional Indian wedding is always a curiousity. I also want to concentrate on marriage vs the wedding. It is no poing having a big affair and then we don't put in effort to really make this union work.

The boy and I have been together for six years and I love him a lot though he is a bloody pain in the arse (now and then). I have faith in our togetherness because we get along. I also worry about certain issues and general lazyness setting in on both our parts. It seems daunting all of a sudden, but it will be good in the end. I just have to believe in it.

I'd kill for a bandara salad right now (from Vancouver's Cactus Club). But no such luck. Here is the menu link: http://cactusclubcafe.com/ccmenu.htm
My favourite (and actually the only one I could bother going to) is at Broadway and Ash. I had some funny and very drunken moments there.

One thing I do miss here is a good salad - either the greens are just plain or they mayo everything. Though the prawn and avocado salad at Touch and Go (St. Boniface) is pretty good to.

Ok, now I'm talking about food instead of eating it - I think this is a classic case of someone I don't want to be.

I'm off to bed - actually I lie - I'm logging off to watch an episode (or two) of LOST on DVD.

Pick and Mix: Picnics, othering/ colonialism, changes and the WORLD CUP

2006-06-11T13:52:00.000-07:00

This is a 'pick and mix' entry - the name is a shout out to my brother and our joy at being allowed to go to the pick and mix candy section in Woolworths, in London!!! Do you remember?????

Well, the idea of actually moving to LA is becoming more and more "real" and actually exciting and positive. Astounding how attitude (acceptance on my part, public declaration of the move, practical steps etc) can change perspective to such an extent.

On another note, the weather was fabulous this weekend and I organised a picnic in the park (Parc Royal)to take advantage of a rare, Belgian sunny Sunday! It was lovely - we played badminton, ate yummy foods and drank chilled white and rose wine. It was also a bit odd at moments with some underlining bitchiness from one of my friends. I think I may have to call her on it -- her comments to me and to two other friends have increased in their ferociousness.
[edited edited edited]

Anyway, the picnic was lovely because of the general good mood of the others, the weather and the food. We had an interesting discussion on Belgian colonialism as the park, the whole downtown, the city in fact, are all products of the richness of the Congo. Reading King Leopold's Ghost has just highlighted and detailed some of the horrors of Belgian colonialism. My general understanding of Belgian colonialism, was that while it was indeed brutal, it was a complicated love affair and that the paternalism (and meddling) of the past continues today but in a more positive manner and through development aid (and this is said in contrast to the Brits washing their hands of us 'hindus' and moving out as quickly as possible once they'd carved up the sub-continent). But, the actual level of brutality and interference by the Belgians in the Congo is astounding - the practice of chopping of hands, that we see done today by the crazy rebels - was introduced by the Belgian landlords.

Actually, even today, educated Belgians speak of the Congolese as if they are wild children. This easy "othering" by Euros is something I will never get used to and which really makes my skin crawl. At a dinner the other night, someone at the table started speaking about their trip to the South of Italy in such a manner that it really reminded me of Mann's exoticisation of the Italians in "Death in Venice". I'm am full of generalisations - don't get me wrong - I understand the need to generalise and I don't mind the funny stories on culture, but I don't like the stereotyping whereby we paint a group as "less than civilised" or "savage" - whether this is in reference to their work habits (lazy), their sexual appetites and rates of reproduction (like rabbits) or their level of cleanliness/living standards (crowded, no taste, smelly etc). The best quote was this person saying "the town square [in a part of Sicily] was decorated so kitschy and tastelessly, just like India, though I've never been to India". Oh, I see...hah, and this of course coming from a person who loves to travel to 'exotic locations' and shop till she drops - somehow this 'uncivilised' aspect - low prices and haggling with vendors - is totally tolerable!

On another, another note - I made my long term, mid term and short term goals' list last week. And I feel more at peace! This is also the summer of movement and changes and so it seems right that I am also in a process of flux:

1. Weddings: half my world will be married by September 2007 with a crazy rush around this September! oh vey - it is an epidemic!

2. Babies - people are suddenly popping them out!

3. Moving away from Brussels: 2 Quebecois and 2 Brits - heading home of their very own accord. I'll miss this departing lot a lot - two of them are my closest buddies in Brussels and my Quebecois pal, like a sister!!!

4. New loves and new jobs: the singles are all hooking up in earnest and then finding that they have job offers they can't refuse all the way across the world. The universe loves to play such games!

Last note: The WORLD CUP is on - the bars are full of boys (and some girls) with eyes on the tv screen - their shouts of glee or despair can be heard every evening. The excitement builds, tomorrow is Italy vs Ghana and my Italian pals are all going to watch at Place Luxembourg. I'll probably tag along though I tend to support the underdog, in this case Ghana. Reminds me of my very first boyfriend...sigh...Kofi!
I hope we see an unexpected winner this year and a revolution on the playing field - maybe a new Pele - we need a little hope. I'm going to try and post an interesting article by Kofin Annan (not my old bf!) on the the global aspects of the World Cup and its resemblence to the UN etc.

Foul Mood - stay away from me!

2006-06-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, I was in a truly foul mood today! As I just told the boy, haven't felt like this since 1986 (ha ha)! No really, I woke up after the long, lovely weekend, in time for work etc and initially feeling something - thought maybe a bit low, a little depression. But oh no, depression would have been welcome, instead I was just all out bitchy and snappy today. Silence reigned in my office, cos they only talk when I do, which is most of the time. I even snapped at S, my close work buddy and partner in crime! I'm shocked, I don't even know where this tempest came from and it hasn't really disappeared as yet. Talking with the boy helped, he made me laugh, though a couple of times I tried to start a fight (over his vs my friends), but he dodged the bullets and at one point, caught one in his teeth and spat it back at me. The worst part is, I can see my bitchyness and I'm horrified because the Euros can't deal with such stuff. They don't confront and they are a peaceful, non-attacking lot. I was like a rottweiller (sp) amongst the little lambs today!!! Ugh, I'm slowly starting to feel guilt. Honestly, it has to do with getting off the pill, stress (the bloody China visit tomorrow), and general hormone wonkyness (like last month's 2 week dippy period!) Then again at age 31 it is time to get some control!
Tomorrow, I'm going to have to make up some of the damage, at least to S, who is lovely! And what about my recent intense irritation and dislike of my ex-boss? What is up with that? I have to conquer this trait whereby if I lose respect for someone or they annoy me then it is all down hill from there and I just can't tolerate them anymore - EVEN if they still love me and support me. The problem here is actually that I'm getting away with being a bully because when I'm good, I'm really really good (and fun, and outgoing and as one of the senior staff says, "the mentor".)
And that is another thing, the young 'uns are always asking me for advice and I like to help and provide tangible steps forward, but I want some professional advice too! I also want some answers and maybe I should start the asking and listening process again.
Anyway, all I know is that I can't be like this regularly and I have to take such moods in hand. I know we are all allowed our bad spells, but I really dislike people who take it out on others and there I was today, doing the same. It isn't acceptable, not to co-workers, family, loved ones or friends. So, to the universe - I'm really really sorry! Please give me the strength to apologise tomorrow in many ways and make it up to people serenely!

Marriage - for one and for all

2006-06-04T06:32:00.000-07:00

I should really mention the big events taking place in my life, namely, getting married to the boy and moving to LA. I guess I haven’t mentioned the marriage thing really because it seems a bit surreal. Also, this isn’t a blog about my upcoming wedding (though I’m addicted to East Side Girl, who is about to get married). I think the real reason I don’t mention marriage or my wedding is that I’ve never been the sort of girl who imagined herself getting married or walking down the aisle in white, or walking around a fire in red (which I will probably do in January!) What I did imagine, as a child and then teenager, was having a daughter, a lover who supported me but let me be myself, living in Europe, somewhere warmer and more colourful than Brussels, and writing. The boy fits my image of the guy I’d end up with – he was always brown in my mind’s eye and free wheeling – though somehow, he was more a market stall type than a PhD economist.

Anyway, my point is that I never sought marriage though I did seek partnership. But in the end, marriage has become of some importance and I need it for social and practical reasons. The world, more specifically some nation states, like the US, are not generous to the unmarried couples. I need marriage to live with the boy in the US – that simple, hence our civil knot tying in June in Hawaii. I also would like the social celebration of our love and the acceptance that we are really a couple (by his friends, family on both sides etc) and thus the wedding in India in January. What comes with marriage is that we get to sleep in the same bed wherever we are, his friends have to deal with us as a set, read grown-up, couple (no more sharing of beds with them etc), and we make a commitment to each other that whispered words as live-ins just don’t measure up to somehow. In the end, that public gesture and verbalization of our love and the "community's" celebration of it carries with it some secret magic.

In light of my own evolvement towards my own marriage (though I would never suggest that any couple needs marriage to be legit), and my general views on homosexuality, I find it appalling that in this day and age where sex is just another act, we cannot accept same-sex love enough to offer it the same community acceptance that we do to heterosexual love. I don’t ask of religions to accept gay couples, but the liberal-democratic state, should be blind to homosexuality and heterosexuality and look instead at humanity. For the same reasons that I need/want marriage, plenty of my gay friends do too – and most of them are in relationships many a hetero would love to be in! So, why sanction one set and condemn another? No one should have the monopoly on defining love and partnership and certainly not in terms of gender! Such state based morality is old fashioned and paternalistic to say the least - and - it is time to move on, as we did on banning inter-racial affairs. My own Canada, of which I am so proud of in this arena, is now to re-debate the question under this new, conservative government and I can only hope my fellow citizens have the energy to stand up again and tell the government to butt its nose out of what constitutes our "love".

This post says it all:
Blogging for LGBT Families at http://twouteruses.blogspot.com

Brain Drain and Brain Waste

2006-06-01T13:29:00.000-07:00

One of my main issues with Europe is its point of view on migration, in particular high skilled migration and migrants. The Commission is currently pushing for an EU-wide/EU level migration policy, which while far off for the moment, is like the Directives on Environment etc., inevitable. On the other hand, individual member states are trying to (re)carve out migration policies - for some this is new territory as they have rarely had any set "policy" on migration apart from traditional liberal democracy family reunification style migration. The main member state in the news right now is France, with a new immigration bill - requesting longer processing times for family reunification while supporting a highly skilled TEMPORARY migration programme.

In reaction to the US and Canada (according to Sarkozy), the French have decided they too have to attract "talent", especially as they view talent to be less troublesome than their current 'low-skilled' and 'badly educated' migrants (of course, a number of these so-called migrants are in fact 2nd generation French citizens). I'd like to point out here that most of the migrants have been quite successful and the poverty witnessed in certain areas is experienced by both white and non-white. Unemployment is harder on the young visible minority male because mainly of his colour or culture and less because of his lack of education. Studies have shown in France a male with a Muslim name stands little chance of getting a good job.

Granted though, there is a vast difference between migrants from the same regions (North Africa, Asia) who move to the US, Canada and Australia than to France or Germany. And unfortunately, there are links between the ease of cultural integration/assimilation into 'western society' and levels of education. Partly, because elites from developing countries have always prided themselves on their “Westerness”, even if it is only the veneer of sophistication. And of course, education usually also provides the migrant with important language tools, marketable skills and a sense of confidence. But a society that cannot lift its second-generation 'migrants', regardless of who their parents were, must bear responsibility for failing to encourage cultural unity and sustainable integration.

Anyway, now the French want the creme de la creme of the developing world - except not forever. Now, the elite are to pick France over citizenship in the US and Canada, for a measly three year visa!! A very similar "green card" system failed miserably in Germany because it did not offer long-term residency (let alone citizenship) and in the end, the very type of migrant they were trying to lure, had many other (better) options to pick from. High tech workers have changed the image of the migrant and the rules of the game. Now, maybe for the first time ever, the migrant is a rational action with his own agency!

But somehow the French think things will be different for them. Of course, this ties in with the very Continental concept of brain drain. The French feel they are doing the right thing by forcing educated migrants to go home, so as not to rob Africa, India etc of their brains. As someone said today, well we have brains in surplus so don't worry about us. The very notion of brain drain angers me, not least because it is extremely paternalistic and somewhat hypocritical. I think the Europeans fear competition and so they really buy into the notion that by taking doctors from Africa and Asia, they are harming those countries. But what about the doctors who do stay in their countries of origin/developing world? There are no hospitals, no medicines etc. Why should any human with potential waste away? How are these people going to help their nation? And in fact, what does seem to happen with educated diasporas, is that they return, even 10, 20, 30 years later to help out in their country of origin through sharing of skills, investments and knowledge.

In the case of India, please - there is no need to worry about us. We have plenty of bright young ones, just waiting in the wings to take peoples' places. And if the West is so concerned about keeping the brains at home (in the country of origin), then help set up decent hospitals and provide necessary clinic facilities and equipment etc instead of sending us land mines and guns! Or as the BJP would say (not that I’m a fan of theirs), “micro-chips not potato chips!”

What will happen to Europe when they really start to let in highly qualified migrants and truly court the ‘talent’? I think a shift in perception and realities will take place - basically encouraging competition. No longer will the migrant be totally pitied or discriminated against and it will be very hard for the Europeans to then deal with their sense of superiority in the face of true competition. It will of course also change their societies, with people becoming much pushier and more ambitions. Get a few Indians in here an already things are being shaken up (I refer to the stiff competition the Belgian diamond cutters are now facing in Antwerp against the Chinese and Indian diamond cutters who are cheaper, better and faster and work much longer hours). On a side note, we’ll probably see more stores open on Sundays in Belgium and maybe longer store hours during the week to cater for what is actually ‘normal’ – people who don’t leave work at 5.30pm!

In my mind all this ties in with a global political shift of a growing rift between North and South at the same time as the South is gaining an economic and political voice. Brazil, China and India are redefining power politics, from trade and the WTO to Security Council seats at the UN. And capitalism in the end favours competition and new markets. The very beast of colonialism will reshape a new world order in some manner. Already at the WTO, developing nations are calling for a link between investment and trade and migration policies of the EU (in particular, visa facilitation for business and education).

With increasing globalization and shared markets, in the end, the EU and EU member states will have to change their migration policies and offer visas and residence cards to the developing world. And when there is a truly free flow of capital, persons and brains, only then will we see actual benefits and possibly even a more humanitarian spirit borne of shared experiences through a genuine eradication of the nation state.

Of course, none of the above unfortunately deals with the other side of the developing world, namely, West Africa and what is happening on the coast off Spain and Italy. Illegal or irregular or undocumented migration, whatever you want to call it, is a huge issue – mainly because it touches on a raw nerve and less because of actual figures. Anyway, that’s a posting for another day…

Receptions galore

2006-05-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

So, a large part of my work life involves "liaising" with various organisations (the European Commission, the Parliament, EU Member State representatives, other IGOs etc). One part I do like about liaising is learning how to read situations and react quickly, to questions, to the unspoken tensions in a room, to the vibe. I think I'm getting better but maybe I'm also getting more confident about myself and my instinct and that helps. The part I thought I'd like a lot and actually realise is a bit of a drain is attending cocktail parties. I've attended two this week and now I'm all cocktailed out! If you'd asked me a year ago what I would want from a job, I'd have said, 'cocktail parties and travel for work'. I have plenty of the former and some of the latter and what I have had has also exhausted me (though both trips have been energising and enriching as well).
Basically, this makes me pause to think, what is it that I really love about my work and what is it that I would want from a future job? Continuous learning is a must, so are challenges but also rewards. I'd like more money and maybe quicker promotions. But are these last two like my desire for cocktails and travel? When I have them, will I want something else? Hmmm...
As I end, because it is late and tomorrow is a busy day, I have to add the start of a new thread - as a lure to my reader(s) and as a reminder to myself (I'm old and the second thing to go is memory - the first being my bloody eye sight!):
Do I and my generation have too many choices? Are we so over stimulated that we are spoilt and in fact, can't even make simple decisions anymore because every decision provides us with multiple options? And, do we actually crave simpler lives? Sorry, nothing too stellar in terms of "new" thoughts- a number of articles have been written on this subject already, but it bears exploring.

Coming down the mountain

2006-04-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

My parents left this morning to return to Atlanta. Their visit, as expected, was just wonderful. The apartment was ours, we ate, drank, chatted, took it easy and also went out a lot! We walked all over the city and they really got a good glimpse of what my life is like right now. I had a super time. What was less expected, in fact, what was actually quite a surprise, was how much I missed them when they left. On my way to work this morning, I saw the last of the Easter mums (parents visiting kids in Brussels), hand in hand with her daughter on her way to the Euro Parliament, possibly where her daughter works, and their coziness had me in tears! I miss both the 'Rents terribly.
Of course this made me realise what my friend E (one of the girls) is always saying, basically that we are all here in Brussels just for work, which can only sustain us for so long. The fact is, I've been on a work high, and that has pushed me along feeling good versus low, for longer than normal. Work was absolutely lousy yesterday with PVB on vacation, shouting down the phone line on numerous issues, of which very few had to do with me or anything I'd done! He was awful and I was stressed. I had to bail on Strasbourg because the 'Rents were coming back into town and no one was here to open the door for them. I came home a shell and it felt so good to have them console me and pep me up.
The combination of a bad day at work (my sole reason for being here), their departure and my missing of the boy, just reinforced my feelings that however much I love it here, its time to come down the mountain. In the end, I need more to keep me going than just a good job. Maybe a few years ago, such a job and such a place, where I could go out and drink and party, would have been enough (actually, I'm not sure about this as I had this in NY to some degree and still felt angst). But now, I do need more -- I need my family around, I need the boy, and I need a space of my own. I have nothing except work here. The friends I have are so amazing but they will always remain friends and they too will leave. The exodus has already begun!
Do you remember that song,"coming down the mountain, here she comes...coming down the mountain, here she comes... she'll be wearing pink pajamas, she'll be wearing pink pajamas, she'll be wearing pink pajamas as she comes." You could replace what 'she' would be wearing verse by verse, usually getting raunchier and raunchier, and that was the kicker of the song.

On another note, I've been reading some of my favourite blogs and realise that they are far more personal than my own. I am hiding behind a facade, not ready to really let myself go. On my friend L's blog she actually mentions her sex life and some personal subjects. I sort of skirt issues -- which is strange -- as someone who is usually open. I worry about offending or libel claims. I'm too cautious for a blog writer and so to keep this going I'll have to change - ie - time to spice things up.

The issue of readership must be raised once again. When is the right time to start pushing this blog out there? I'm not sure I can to be honest! I wanted a portfolio of work (as such) before really launching this site, but I would have to post more entries, post more carefully, and post with much more focus than I do currently. I'm going to pick a topic for my next entry and work within a more set framework.

Can I just add on a side note (its my blog so I don't really have to follow my own discipline diatribe), I'm so happy we may end up in la-la land. I know I will have to learn how to drive and will probably have to go the gym much more than I do now (though I've been good) and engage in some serious hair straightener shit, but I do like the weather and the ease of the left coast. Will we ever return to the right coast and can we live there after years out west? I just don't know actually...found out that one of the boy's sets of friends move back East soon ---I'll miss them and wish they were in LA when I moved. One thing though, is that NYC, should we have ended there, would be too full of people we already know, which while comfortable and warm, can also be somewhat stifling. I'd rather have some space for a new life.

Big news before I end: my brother and his lovely gf are engaged. They kneed and said yes and offered and accepted the diamond just before Easter and then whizzed off to Barcelona for a romantic weekend. Just super!! I'm very happy for them. Congratulations kiddies!

And, I'm supposed to be getting a promotion of sorts - that is what HR has informed me. Of course, as she gave me this piece of info she also went on to say that while my work is superior and senior in nature (?) I seem younger than I am (I drink, I laugh, I'm loud). At my age, so she went on to lecture, she already had a kid and maybe it was time to focus on other aspects of my life. I know she meant well, but HR is not my favourite in general and while I agree with a lot she said, I just can't stand the pressure of why I have to follow a clock while the boy doesn't!! For that reason, I can never have it all! And, really, I'm going to keep on being loud and laddish even if that makes me seem young. I know the dry vagina movement is not really dead!

Ok ok, must end - on a good note -- have a snazzy new orange bag. I think 31 is going to see me in a lot of oranges, burnt golds, rusts...and less red. Sad about this but that seems to be how my wardrobe is currently evolving.

Feeling Low on Good Friday

2006-04-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

My mum always says Good Friday is rainy and there is an air of depression. I agree. I vaguely remember a sunny Good Friday, but can't pinpoint when or where I was. Well, today the weather really was dark and gloomy, I feel very, very low. The whole week has been me arguing with myself, with the boy, with bloody Belgacom (the rat-ass phone company), getting nervy with the roommates and generally feeling tired. Work wise, I'm supposed to get a promotions --- or so they say. I'm not holding my breath, I'm so tired I'd just pass out if I did.
The wedding invite saga has been put on hold, or maybe it is over for now. I don't know. I can barely care. I appreciate my life here more and more and find it hard to think of giving it up. I will miss my independence. I went out with RB the other night and we got sozzled at Guru. We drank two bottles of white wine, started on a bottle of red wine, at a delicious pita and chips and I finally caught a cab home (almost crashed there), after having woken up his pal MD by ringing his bell and calling him out to play. This is what I love and appreciate about Gypsy culture - the ease which MD dealt with all of this was lovely. I'd have been flipping out and actually so would have the boy. But MD just laughed and ignored the fact we'd woken him up around midnight. Maybe I'm too Gadje. I know I'm becoming less and less Indian. RB said I seemed more cosmopolitan, but as I pointed out to him, the last time we chatted, he said I was becoming more and more Indian after getting Canadian citizenship:-)
I also had a good time on Saturday. Danced and danced at Mezzo and felt very nostalgic as the Mezzo Clan were all around me. There are some moments captured on mental film that will alwasy be lovely.
Oh yeah, I woke up the morning after RB, to an apt with no hot water, a borrowed CD of RB's and his all night bus pass. Before I caught my cab home, there must have been a moment I actually (insanely) considered catching the bloody night 71 home and he must have offered me his bus pass. I also woke up with cramps. SO SO happy I came home instead of crashing on his couch! He is a useless pal to depend upon but he is a good guy and I really like him. We came to Brussels together and meeting up is always "family".
On another note, the boy retreated into the cave this week. The Girls called it well. I'm not sure what is burning me out but something is...I have nothing to complain about and must be getting soft if a little battle with Belgacom can throw me like this.
I'm happy my parents arrive bloody early tomorrow and we get a weekend together. But I also wouldn't have minded the apartment all to myself. I realise I need space and miss it---I have to cut back on going out and come home and chill a bit more. I also just need to find my own space. I should have moved into my own place from the beginning. sigh.
In terms of blog news: I've added a counter to see if anyone is indeed visiting. Will I feel depressed if no one is (except the people offering to let me visit their site and make money -- see comment under last posting)visiting? Maybe this is my space alone and I should keep it like that for a while before rushing into joining with others.
Silence in the apt is so lovely. So very, very lovely. Happy Easter all!!

The Feminist Movement

2006-03-26T13:14:00.000-08:00

I read another article in the NYTs today about how with an increase in female applicants to colleges, girls inevatibly have to be better than before to get in, while to maintain some element of gender balance a less brilliant guy may make it in instead of the outstanding girl!! So, by improving our chances to go to school and pushing ourselves we now get screwed and boys, yet again, do less and get more! What is going on here? Why are we always losing out - have we not thought the movement out enough? And what is the movement anymore? Young girls having unprotected sex and dressing at age 10 like they're 18? Women and men who can't cook or women (and men) who won't cook so their kids grow up on diets of McDonalds (or for a real meal, Outback)? Two-parent working families, struggling to make ends meet and with no time to be with their kids? Women who spend all their money on botox, lipo, face-lifts, dangerous boob jobs? An increase in young women smoking so they remain thin? Motherhood as a 3 day event (in, out, out)where the #1 thing is to exercise while pregnant and post pregnancy so that you never look like you had a child in the first place! What happenned? I know my mum didn't fight for this and I don't want any part of it! I've lost out both ways - within the phrase "I can be everything" is the dirty secret - "I wil have to be everything". Women still do more than 80% of the housework but now also work long hours outside the home, rear children, being super-moms, and must continue to look around the age of 22 at the most! On top of this, security of marriage and stability has gone. Enough, enough...what is wrong with us...how do we end up with the raw deal without fail!

Shout out to the boy

2006-03-23T15:03:00.000-08:00

So, I spoke to the boy just now and he's going to read my blog! Wow! Feel all embarrassed, like we're on a first date or something. Hee hee. This is the thing about long distance relationships - the one's where you were once together in the same place -- you get by but only by supressing your real feelings. If I was to open myself up totally, I'd be hard pressed to keep breathing without him. But, to survive apart, I close that part of myself off - I just shut it and put it away. So this way, I continue living my life but not fully. When the intern was here, we talked about this, this living your life in segments. My segments are spread all over the world and the whole me is really present only in cyber-space, floating around like Mike TV in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Here is the other thing, the boy is off camping and my un-American cityness always kicks in regarding camping. I worry he will be killed or kidnapped. I worry some redneck will run him off the road and today, I thought about all that (just so I'm prepared), and my heart started to break. That is when I realised, I'd put my heart away while in Brussels. But, my heart knows what it feels like to crack - I learnt in last year with the boy. I remember the tremors and the cracks through the heart. For this reason, I will probably move to AA or even Chicago (no, no, there must be a god out there) and love them both. Because I'll be with the boy. Sounds corny I know. And I wish the bastard would come here. But I can't have it all. I can't, can I?

On another note, looked up cinnamon peeler on google image and found some cool photos of a dance troupe imagining the poem to dance. Then found a photo of a real cinnamon peeler and now can't enjoy the poem the same way again. Actually, the poem is one of my favourites. I've always maintained the Sri Lankans are a sexy bunch (PKG, the cricket team, MIA, PKG's sister, Ondaatje himself etc.) Of course, I'd like to add the Tamils are a sexy bunch (hey hey). I think it must be the dusky looks, good, strong, white teeth, and sinewy bodies. And lovely healthy hair. Its all that coconut oil.

Ok, here is one part:

"what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in the act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of a scar."

As if wounded without the pleasure of scar...my broken but mended heart.
God, the boy will probably forget to read this and remember over the weekend and read it while correcting papers and puke. That's ok - we all have to know what we are marrying into.

This weekend is a work weekend. sigh. I want to go out alone saturday to see a movie, maybe a dinner alone, a drink at the Canadian bar (though the owner's gf will probably talk to me all night and i won't get to be alone). I want to see if I can stil go out alone - I seem to always be with people and have lost the ability to be on my own -except for sitting in my bedroom. B is off this weekend for her annual grrrrl alone weekend. Wow! I actually want the apt empty of roommate #1. I want to be in my own place...should i have sucked up the extra money and got my own place!AAAh, such thoughts are pointless.

Ok, time to go to sleep (and think of the cinnamon peeler - who is very like the boy -- the beach boy collecting coconuts). Hmmm...that links back to my small restaurant on the beach in Goa, cooking fish, having a guitar player in to entertain the guests, home cooked fresh food in a clean and pleasant surrounding. And here I am, all those dreams later in Brussels. This is age, because now, I can't ever even imagine that actually taking place - I've given up on that dream. Instead, I've replaced it with ambition and intellect. What a loss!

Feeling like a teenager

2006-03-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

So, work is horrendously busy and intense - but lovely. Real migration policy and project development work. It all ends next week but then I have to attend the big S.Caucus debacle meeting - it is all handled by my office partner S, but it still involved my nerves and constant tummy turmoil. Looking forward to it all in a slightly sick way. This is the low-down kiddies; last week was chockablock with going out. So bad that I just wanted to curl up in bed and watch SATC. So, decided this week would be “stay at home” week and now, WED, having stayed at home Mon, Tues and Wed - I'm going STIR CRAZY!! Wok me baby! Sorry, I badly pun at such times. No fun, but plenty of pun. ha ha.

I can't really complain, I went to Londres for the weekend on the Super Bro’s tab and it was really ABFAB! Saw lots of old friends and new cousins. Felt at one moment I was back in NYC - nothing had changed on meeting the lovely old roommie and his wife/my friend. Realised that old friends mean something - we have moments captured on mental film that no one else has access too. Like mum in the grocery store buying beers, like putting up our Xmas trees, like rooftop parties, keg stands, bad punch, sitting on the couch chit chatting on a Sunday morning, walking past the drug motel, calling the fire station, the old lady on the stoop, the other awful roommies, the one I got for life, and, and much much more. Had a bizarre back to school moment as well. Sigh - how many Fridas have there been since that point - back at Tenby Mansions and heading out to St. John's Wood or down to Leicester Square with Mr. PKG, standing outside my window or on my doorstep for one last kiss? Very old school, road trip back down memory land sort of thing. Lovely, lovely, lovely - and all done with the bro.

Realised the other day, I have very few total ‘secret’ secrets. You know, most of the stuff that enters into my life I share with one person at least -- mum, the boy, the bro, the girls, etc etc. Very little is kept only to myself. I'm not secretive by nature and keeping a secret, when I have one, is f*ing hard. While I wouldn't necessarily share it with just anyone, I usually tell people who share secrets with me that they should expect me to tell the boy. Had to promise to roommie #2 (the cool one) that I wouldn't tell the boy about our detailed sex talk as she would get embarrassed (though really, we didn't delve into what we do with our boyz to such a horrifying level). I've discussed worse:-) But, I realise that I never create my own secrets - that is until >>>>>>>>>>>

Baby, I feel like a teenager. This is the truth - I'm about one month or less off from being 31, but I don't feel like it. Yes, I've learned to say NO more easily and that I don't have to be loved by all, (or learning the above), and how to say ciao and walk away. But, deep down, I'm still 16 -- walking into the Trocadero and feeling energised by people and music. Fact is, I like a fun life - drinking, dancing, dressing up and dreaming (4 Ds). I like cool new lipsticks, seeing friends for dinner, a cute boy across the room, a lovely die-for dress or pair of shoes in the shop window, a fabulous movie or some amazing song coming out loud and clear at the gym or a car stereo. I like dreaming of my future - and possible other selves - something that becomes harder and harder the older you get. And for this reason, this deep down love of being young, having potential to reinvent myself and redraw my life, I love and respect Madonna. There you have it - the crux of this whole piece. Hung Up has me hung up and has (SECRETLY) inspired me to go to the gym. There it really is - the secret. Sigh, ok – there it is – spilled into cyber-space; Ms. Richie, reborn into her blue jeans and farah fawcett hair has me going back to the gym. Sigh. I'm off to bed now.
oooh and james blunt:-) Do love James!!

America, oh America

2006-02-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

So, recent days have seen some real progress at work in terms of a new cycle of learning and growing. I'm working on some hard core Asia stuff now and dealing with political and well as policy and project based issues. Love it. But, wait up, work isn't supposed to be going so well that it hurts to leave! And here lies the whole bloody problem: I'm 30 and I've been brought up to believe that making something of myself (read successful job/career) is damn important. Parallel to this, is my own need to have a loving (read successfull) relationship and honestly, the unwritten expectation of society that I get married/settled. What I'm trying now is to get the best of both worlds - but to get one (love/the boy) I'll have to move (back) to the US. To keep the other, I probably will have to stay here in Brussels.

Look, in terms of what I do (migration), I'm in one of few places that people would give their left and maybe even right, arm for. And I'm going to give it away. That goes against what I've been openly told my whole life. But of course, in addition, the undercurrent of discussion, in my life, in my girlfriends' lives, etc is that true happiness is being with someone wonderful (and this message is not limited to the heterosexual chickies out there - it really is sold and applied to all women). AAAGH!!!

On top of all this is one fact I have to face - I really like my life here. I love my friends, I like who I am (confident, funny, open, balanced, nice, sane), I enjoy myself here fully. But I miss the boy and if I stayed would move to a better apt/without the flatmates. So, I could stay and change the boy and the apt. But I love the boy and want him too! waaah! why can't the sucker move here!! It is easy to change apt., but not the boy. And, deep down I can't help but think, is my life here so lovely because I don't have to deal with stupid (non) romance issues because of the very existence of the boy (far away)? By his presence in my life, I can focus on other stuff and enjoy myself and not care about dating, dates, love, sex and a future partner. If I compare my sitch to the truly single here - I do have the best of all worlds. The truly single in this city are a depressed lot - it is not easy to meet guys (ok, unless you want the boys in the gym).

Basically, I have to deal with leaving and the reality is, that on leaving, contrary to what I tell others, I will miss this damp, rainy, squishy, illogical, twisty city. There, I said it!

And worse, oh god, it gets worse...I'll be moving back to the US. America, oh America, the land of the free...I forget how Americans (both types - the intellectual and the mid-western) fucking annoy the shit out of me (sorry, bad language is needed)! I mean really get my goat either through their conservatism or their constant rebellions or their capitalism, isolationism, lack of awareness, and most of all, their apathy!!! I can't stand the apathy!

And my friends here are spunky, political, international, and vibrant. Can I repeat that there? I have wonderful friends in the US - but except for some rare gems (shout out to the girls in NY, bex, queen yasmeen etc) most are not American. And I have mixed feelings about the boy's friends (who are ALL American). What has got me on this rant? Well, I clicked through to my highschool web site - because of brown english muffin's blog and saw the photos of past people from ASL and all my annoyances with Americans came flooding back.

On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is shit and 10 is wow(!), I realise that me, myself and I, is an 8 on the European continent (I love where I am and who I am and therefore am better/nicer etc), a 6-8 in Canada (medium and plodding a bit), a solid fabulous 9 in the UK (love em and love myself) and a real below 5 in the US. Maybe NY is different - but in NY I'm a bitch. I am.

Can I really then go back there for 5 to 6 years? More and more, as time draws near to Aug, I realise that if I don't have to play the contract game again, I'd like to stay for 2-3 months more. I'd also like to possibly work with the org in the US. And I would consider in 2 years of being in the States, looking to be away from the US (and sadly the boy) again for a year.

Hence the blog name -- the cinnamon peeler's wife in the poem (orig title) is passionate, in lust/love but also independent. Their is strength to the speaker (the cinnamon peeler) and to the woman/wife to be. By going back, I can't forget this me, the me who is 30, an adult, independent, fun, sexy, open, friendly and courageous. But that will be hard - almost forgot it in India and really missed Belgian ME, while I was in Goa. How can I not be Belgian ME in India or anywhere else? How can I export Belgian ME everywhere else? And why should locale have an effect on me to such an extent??????

Ok - one is the boys. I like the boys here, the boys like me, I feel sexier (even if nothing is ever done - its just the ambience). --- External validation
2. heels heels heels - structured clothing with bright colours, bit o' crazy style mixed with classic --- Exoticisation of me.
3. Understanding how it all works --- instincts functioning well here.

sigh... can't write more ...now just navel gazing. Basically, it is all in the attitude and my attitude is better in Europe. So, I have to break down the roots to this good attitude and transplant them elsewhere.

good night nowt!

I have a blog! I have a blog!

2006-01-30T14:28:00.000-08:00

The novelty of having a blog hasn't worn of as yet, or should I say, the reality of having one hasn't fully sunk in! I had a very interesting discussion today with Roommate 1 about parents and in-laws, keeping individuality and inter-racial dating. We (as in most of my friends) all agree that Brussels is the place to be if you want to have a good inter-racial or cross-national love affair. The city, by its very Belgianness, integrates without assimilation and has a space for everyone. Though so does NY, but certainly not in the same way - the spaces here are quiet.

Of course, some would say (me?) that Brussels' lack of a strong character, renders it also boring and bland. But maybe that is an inability to accept the borderless as a way of being. God, this sounds arty farty and if my only audience member were to read this, he would cringe. What I'm trying to say, is that sometimes lack of definition allows definition. I am because I am not. Ha -- that must be my Canadian side seeping out. And Brussels is because it isn't.
Ok, have to go to bed. The cough still prowls through me and I seem to be constantly on the brink of fever. More at a later date on Brussels but also on changes at work and paradise lost.
Saw Ms. Henderson Presents and must give kudos to Bob Hoskins for straight up, frontal nude shot. Thought Dame Judi might strip and wasn't sure if I'd feel embarrassed for her or proud of her.
Also thought of a documentary - going back to Bombay and filming my generation of Neptune kids - where are we know kind of thing (Australia, Canada, USA, New Zealand, etc)and what are we up to...we were the generation before satellite hit India and we lived in a "mixed" community - Hindus, Catholics, Parsis, Muslims. No Sikhs, but some punjabis.
Ok, have to go to bed now because I'm old and stress about not getting enough sleep and then don't sleep well because of the stress, yada yada yada.

Sunday Morning - First Post

2006-01-29T04:18:00.000-08:00

How easy this all seems - suddenly to have an online presence. I've been hiding behind the stage curtains reading into other people's lives, and now here I am, on stage, dancing and singing in the dark. Is there an audience out there? Do I need one or can my words just float into the void?
It is Sunday, in Brussels, the heart of Europe. I'm exhausted from days of not sleeping well, fever, cold and general weariness.
I want this blog to be more than a space for ranting and instead force me to put some of my thoughts down (and out there).
I'd like to write a bit on migration - which I don't get to do at work anymore - and maybe through writing deconstruct this current period of my life. I can't make any promises and I have no goals, except to try and write once a week at least. I'm always complaining that I need another outlet for my productive energy apart from work and so here is my chance.
Ha Ha, so this is a vehicle for deconstruction:-)