An Eighties Song for Every Moment of Life

Work is intense and low-wage member do not equal glamour (which, I admittedly I got a taste of in Brussels - between crazy dinners with Azeri generals, to rating embassy cocktail parties with S, to well, travel on an international level and drinking in bars in the shadow of the EU parliament).

But, sometime there is a shiny little piece of gold in every trawl...in this particular case it is working with a really funny guy, a young progressive, straight, meat eating, alchohol drinking, South Asian male, with a cool masters, who is considered by many as a unicorn (ie., such a rarity, a creature only legend talks of). No sexual tension - don't worry - very, very sister/brother. It's just that I realize he is of a special breed...

He cracks me up on a daily basis and has an 80s song for every dull / painful / exhausting moment of the day. And we three other researchers (older white, vietnamese-american and south asian women) love him to bits, 'cos frankly, the 80s are our time, and we would sing its songs if we could (1) sing as well; and (2) remember the lyrics.

It has been a long, long time that someone has made me laugh this way... and it feels good to be in a work space where I feel comfortable and can be myself. It was what I really wanted from my LA job- knowing that of all the things I was leaving behind in Brussels, that is what I would miss the most.

So, thank you to the universe for making that happen. When I finish a long day at work in downtown LA, and head home to the white west-side for some good wine and an episode of LOST, or when I think about about our membership, whose life is truly shit in so many ways, and realise how different and lovely my immigrant story is, or when I wonder, how the F**K did I end up in LA of all places, I think "lets hear it for the boy":-) And I mean, my boy.

On a bloody daily basis I sing"she works hard for the money" and my actual theme song: Morning Train (9 to5) by Sheana Easton, which starts "I wake up every morning and stumble out of bed, a stretching and yawning.." you get the picture.

In essence, I'd like to thank the 80s for music, memories and well, so much more that shouldn't really be posted (I was 13 in 1988...)

As a child of that era, certain songs just trigger deep, deep memories. If forced to name a top 10 based on my feelings right now and my exhaustion (and old age), I'd go for:

1. Lady in Red (makes me cry for a particular moment- dancing with Clayton the best dancer I have ever had the pleasure of dancing with)

2. Hotel California (makes me wonder at the bravery of being young - Indian ocean breeze and bandra)

3. Chain Reaction (reminds me of my one and only crush - Stewart Gordon and at the same time my first and only pet Sooty, the black magical cat)

4.Billie Jean (sitting on the swings in Neptune, Gisy and I arguing over the meaning and quoting older sources - Cheryl etc.)

5. Wake me up before you go-go (pure convent school - sitting by the basket ball courts, discussing who was better - George or Andrew)

6. Back to Life (smoking my first cigarrette with Nilima behind a wall off Baker Street, my first summer in London)

7. I just died in your arms (watching music videos for the first time - New Delhi - knowing there was a whole world out there)

7. Let's Dance (pure youth and a time when I LOVED and dreamed of David Bowie)

8. Karma Chameleon (holidaying in London with my oh so cool older cousins and being told that Boy George was not a woman, and eating ice cream with a cadbury flake stuck in it)

9. The only way is up (that one weekend in the country, pretending I was english and indulging in some very wet snogging)

10. Girls Just Want to Have Fun (YOUTH and dreaming of life in the western world)

As with English food, I will defend 80s music to the end...I'll spare you my ode to steak and kidney pie and sticky toffee pudding...

The End is Near...

I've been working 14-15 hour days for the last 2+ weeks, and some weekend thrown in there as well. Sometime last week I was informed this hell may go on through May. I nearly cried in anguish - right there - over my glass of red wine - slipping off my bar stool. But, it seems as if things will be ok (here comes the sunshine) and May, while no walk in the garden, won't be as terrible as the past weeks. Having said that, now 11 hour days a normal and coming home by 9 pm on a Friday is a reason to celebrate.

Having bitched about the above, I should say the following:

1. I secretly enjoy working long hours - I'm not sure if this is a sign of me running away from something, running to something or just generally running around...but I like the spirit that comes from all of us crammed in an office, high on coffee, churning stuff out and flipping a coin to see who should go pick up the take out food. I also like the post-brutish-hours drinks with colleague/friends.

2. I thrive on the intense rush of deadlines - I feel more focused and clear about what I have to do. My mind races (mainly due to caffeine overload) and my heart thumps at a nice, quick pace and I feel terribly energized.

3. I am awfully bored if I don't feel engaged in my work, which usually means, slogging through meetings, brainstorming on stuff, pulling long nights, pushing myself and complaining about work. I'm not a 9-5-er and while I dream of being so, I've altered even my most mundane jobs to be more intense (take Cadbury's Legal in Toronto, where I ended up pulling long nights with S, when I was in truth a temp, and could leave anytime after 5 pm).

So, WHY? WHY? WHY? I've been talking to B about this a lot as she feels the same pull. I think I just like the feeling of being depended upon or part of the "in" team or just needed... the thing is as I get older, and I become more aware of myself holistically, I need time away from work. While my practices have stayed the same, I'm slowly changing and I actually am becoming more sane/balanced/lazy/conscious of life etc etc.

Here is what I miss doing and have to find the time and space to do (and frankly realise that I can't pull such insane hours for long any more!):

1. Writing in my gratitude journal
2. Having long conversations with my girlfriends on the phone
3. Reading - consuming books
4. Spending time with friends and the boy (quality time, vs wild dashes in and out for a drink)
5. Meditating
6. Working out at the gym
7. Cooking meals at home

I think this means I'm maturing - work is often about the ego, and I hope I'm realising it is time to put the ego away - or at least diminish its influence on my dailing life...the end is near dear ego!!! Watch out!

My baby came down from Romania...disko, disko partizani!!

As an ode to of one of my favourite movies...Black Cat, White Cat...a little music reminding me of happy times and for a little Monday cheer -

DJ Shantel's Disko Partizani...no more need be said...one of my favourite songs of the moment (thanks dearest Joy!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gViaOYgV8yI

Aah, a Birthday approaches...

I turn 33 tomorrow. It seems amazing to me that another Birthday has appeared - so suddenly in fact, though I know it comes around every year. I love Birthday's - mine, one's belonging to people I love and care for, colleagues' (for the 4 pm cake!!) and just the idea of birth and re-birth.

Turning 30 was a big milestone for me and something I'd looked forward too for years - the boy warned me not to be disappointed - and in the end- I was FAR from disappointed. It was a glorious birthday and the start to an even more glorious year! I brought in that year in an Indian restaurant in Brussels, near Porte de Namur, at a big table with all my friends - and I remember it in detail - Bully Bully had just returned from Mali, David was late as usual, Caro had come out with me for the first time and we were just getting to know each other, Sarah was there, and so was Nicola. A lovely cake from the bakery down the road was on hand . We were a loud, riotous bunch, and we had so much fun!

And 31, was in Brussels as well, dancing up a storm with the same bunch of folks and some others. My anglo gfs and I celebrated en-masse - and there is one poignant photos of Caro, Barb and Elinor - with Roe looking on - that is an all time favourite! My dear gf Ang had flown in as well for the occasion, and speaking to her today, brought back the warmth we share and our connections from Vancouver days!

Some of my closest girlfriends and guy friends (who are like my girls!) have been present at both these events. Which makes me think back very fondly of the surprise party thrown for me by my closest gf, the boy and my brother (we all know, P did all the work) for my 25th in NY. Again, some of the dearest people in my life were there to celebrate. And god, was I in a bad temper that evening or what - refusing to walk up to the bar (where all my guests were waiting to shout "surprise" at me).

Last year, was my first year in LA and the boy's friends really adopted me and held a little dinner to celebrate. It was lovely, but I felt lost - lost without my extended family, lost in the vagaries of a new land, and lost within my own life. I had no job, no stable space, no idea of whether I was staying or going. I just missed Brussels so badly and missed my friends and my life prior to marriage. I remember smiling but not being fully cheered when one of the friends brought me a box of belgian chocolates and a big belgian beer to make me feel at home. How sweet! I was surrounded by love - yes, granted people who love me through extension of loving the boy- but I couldn't really see any of it. I just felt so alone!

This year, I'm busy at work and on antibiotics with a flu. Work will probably have cake for me - I really enjoy being there, though we are worked to the bone- but I got what I wanted, which was a nice, interesting and friendly environment. The boy and I may go for a quiet dinner and then celebrate on Sunday with his surprise gift...many of those friends from last year, his friends, have become close to me as well. I'm now a full resident in the US, I know LA more and more everyday. We are thinking of moving closer to the beach. I have to find a dentist. This Friday my work friends and I will go out for drinks at the little (fabulous) Mexican place opposite us, and drink $2 tequila sunrises. On Saturday, we'll meet up with the folks who are now "our friends" and go out for drinks or dinner. And my life in LA will be set further in stone. Two Birthdays in this place...in this marriage and in this life.

As this Birthday (with its auspicious 3s) approaches, there are two things I have to face:

1. I miss my pals badly- we are all spread out all over the world and we get together for weddings at most it seems. And as we all get married off, that is becoming less and less frequent! I have more than 3 dear friends in NY and can't even make it over there for a weekend trip! I'd like to suggest that Birthdays start to take on more prominence, and that in celebrating them we remember youth and new beginnings, along with old friendships and golden memories. The years start to flash by so quickly, and if we don't stop from time to time to celebrate life, then what is the point in living?

In so much I want the above, I have to make it happen. I have to take on the organizer role or at least the initiator of the idea...

2. It is time to put the past to bed...maybe this is the hardest. I also really miss aspects of my other life, my more international life. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that this, what I am living in, is just a phase, except as time goes on, I'm less and less sure, what would come after this phase. I can't go back, and don't want to either, and am unsure what I want for the future. Basically, this step would mean, recalling the past fondly, but very surely relegating the past to where it should be - an enjoyable memory, but not a gaping hole in one's daily existence. I think the best gift I can give myself this Birthday, is a return to passion and a vision for the future - a map to guide me along the way. That 'other' life is over -- I chose to give it up, no one forced me. And, if I look carefully, I don't know if I really want it back.

Maybe, in celebrating quietly this year, what I should be doing is celebrating how far I've come and finding joy in my present - in this place, in this marriage and in this life.