one creative step at a time...

In an effort to focus on other things apart from my sorry state, I picked up this little yellow cabinet for $5 the other day and am using it as a dressing table. I also put some nails in the side and hung my jewelry off them...inside I'd like to put my art projects as they develop.


My next step is to decorate a branch and hang the rest of my numerous bracelets off it.


This little shrine to my attempts at art makes me really happy when I wake up in the morning, because it many ways, it is "my" corner. The cabinet, the decorations, the colour are all just "me".



This all doesn't seem complicated, right? But, for someone who could never colour in the lines and who draws a heart that looks like an upside down bum, its really quite a big jump for me...I have always dreamed of being a famous artist, but like being a famous singer, I kinda need at least an iota of talent to start.

Still, the US is the mother-land of (re) invention.

My upcoming project - my next step on the moon kinda thing is to try and alter a book. See modern gypsy's website on the altered page:
http://www.moderngypsy.com/green/alteredpage/index.html

Things I am thankful for and a break in sight

The boy has been particularly busy these past few days/week, as exams are looming. but the end is in sight and we are both excited for Spring Break - mentally filling it with tons of things we haven't been able to do so far. We did manage to go for a great hike on Saturday up to Topanga Canyon, which worked wonders for both of us - allowing the boy some space to vent his stress and providing me with some time to contemplate my marriage and my new life in LA (listening to Cesaria Evora on my ipod).

With my recent funk, everything has seemed darker and more negative than usual. I'd say, that while I am moody, I'm usually quite positive about my life and consider myself extremely lucky. I think I have been dealt a very good hand and have played it well enough. But the last few weeks have seen me question a lot of things and slowly hurt myself by my doubts. I totally gave in to the depression and couldn't see the bigger picture.

So here are some things I am really, and truly thankful for:

1. My parents - for their unstinting and constant love, their never-ending support and their principles of justice and equality for all - all of which have provide me with a secure saftey net; a strong framework within which every aspect of me was celebrated and nurtured, a sense of stability and support, which allowed for growth of self and the space and wings to fly and learn;

2. The boy - who is my partner, friend and lover and is so generous of spirit, his wallet, his mind and his heart;

3. My brother - who is turning 28 next week and is the best sibling around (granted also pretty damn intelligent and fun);

4. My godmother - who has always been like a second mother to me and is a good example of a beautiful and gentle soul in a cynical world;

5. The spirit and memory of my grandfather - this great guy who single handedly raised 3 wonderfully strong, intelligent and warm daughters (one of whom is my mother) and who really helped shape my core self and confidence through his love, wise words, his strength of character and his constant defense of the under dog;

6. My friends - old, new, family friends etc - how nice to have such a stimulating and caring extended family;

7. My in-laws for being good people with good hearts;

8. My sister-in-law to be - who is solid in personality and principles and will always look after my brother;

9. My life experiences - I've had the very blessed chance to travel the world, with my parents, with the boy, through my work and school, learn from some truly amazing and interesting people, eat fabulous food, enjoy sights and cities that are imprinted on my mind and live a life full of adventure and laughter;

10. My books - where would I have been without my books and reading? This must be one of the greatest gifts given to me by my family - all voracious readers. My books have transported me over the years to different places, made me ask questions, think through problems, deal with emotional issues and generally been good, loyal companions!

What the list above reminds me to do is to celebrate my life rather than let the weeks waste away in a morbid funk. I'm also reminded that what you give out is what you get - if I have a few months more before I can work, why not spend that time doing some volunteer work? I have always been committed to doing some volunteering on the side and the only time I stopped was in Brussels (partly because work took so much out of me and by its very nature allowed me to feel I was giving back). I should look into ESL teaching programmes run by the Church or community centres - that way I will get to work with migrants as well.

Come April and I promise to start building community here in LA!!! The first step is getting back my positive attitude and excitment for this new adventure!

Being an Urban Stepford Wife

I think I'm now almost an expert on the how to successfully become and be an Urban Stepford Wife (USW). There are of course some handicaps inflicted by living in an urban space, such as a lack of a garden, or a huge kitchen in which to cook 10-course meals. But, all you really need, apart from perseverance and good lighting, is tons of heavily chemicalised cleaning products, spaces to clean, an oven, cookie dough, heels and a skirt. A little, frilly apron helps as well.

Oh yes, and you need conviction that what you are doing really benefits the world, your marriage, your husband and God.

I'm a believer – why, just yesterday, after cleaning the kitchen and the two bathrooms, having made mint iced tea, dinner and done the laundry and finally truly lamenting the lack of a good vacuum cleaner, I felt like I'd transcended into a higher state of being. Of course, this could have just been thanks to the ton of chemicals I'd inhaled while on my knees, scrubbing the bath tube etc.

Being an USW allows one to not only carry out such mindless tasks daily, but to imbue them with a higher meaning – while all along living in a germ-free environment. I thank my lucky starts for giving me a chance to fulfill my-until-now, suppressed USW.

Getting to grips with life in LA

As I came out of my medical exam today - done very painlessly for the Green Card process - I started sobbing. Yes, in public, totally out of control. Thankfully, I had both a tissue at hand and my sunglasses to put on. This is the final wake up call to what seems to be 2 -3 weeks of solid depression. [I don't feel suicidal - I say this because my parents were worried by my silence - I've always been clear that I would never end my life because it would basically destroy too many other lives (my parents, my brother etc). But, I do feel the lowest that I've ever felt in my "almost" 32 years. ]

I expected to feel low with the move to LA and I was prepared for loneliness, lack of motivation etc but not this overwhelming sense of loss and constant questioning of all the decisions made in my life - where has this all come from? I think it’s a combination of feeling completely untethered from everything I've know recently. Yes, I have the boy, who tries his best to help, but he isn't really equipped to deal with other people's depression (to be fair - most people aren't good at handling either their or other's low swings). I think his response is all about action versus contemplation. I'm not ruling that out as the way to go... Anyway, through writing about this and simultaneously trying to "do" stuff, I hope to pull myself out of this funk. If I don't see an improvement in a month's time or if I see a further fall in a shorter span of time, I'll look into counseling.

Today's public and uncontrollable display of tears (and admittedly quite a lot of snot) really shocked me. My gym visits help a lot but I can't help but think that I really need to face and deal with the issues at hand and that however good I feel by running a few miles while listening to my ipod (my true saviour) is just a stop-gap cure.

What are the issues? Well, I think a loss of moorings - where am I? What have I done and what do I want to do? What do I want from this next phase in terms of emotional, physical and spiritual growth? What do I expect from the boy and what can I actually get in terms of emotional support and companionship? I've moved from being truly independent (as much as anyone is) to being dependent on one person for basically most of my needs. I don't have a social safety net and while arguably, I didn't have one on moving to either BRU or BUD or YVR or TO I had other multiple frameworks of reference (job, friends, purpose of move etc), which helped me develop a network around me very quickly. Also, while I landed here running, as I've done with other moves, this time around, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick out of the gate? I was so eager to suppress any low feelings (for the boy's sake as well as mine), that I just bottled everything and now it’s overflowing.

Here in LA I feel irrationally trapped. I also feel lost and unmoored. In many ways, my previous job was all that I had envisioned in terms of professional fulfillment - and I have no idea of what I want to do next - and what I can imagine, doesn't truly excite me (but does offer security and stability). I'm also in no-man's land in terms of what I expect as emotional or "love" goals. Ok, so now we are married, what next? How do we fill up the years - what new things can we discover about each other?

It's of course hard to be positive while feeling depressed and so even events or incidences that would normally give me hope, presently just create a minor blip on my radar. In this no man's land, my current compass is totally useless.

That I have to take back control of my life and emotions is obvious...just charting a way out is the difficult step.

Sigh...so much for landing running...I'm just hoping for standing up straight right now!