As I came out of my medical exam today - done very painlessly for the Green Card process - I started sobbing. Yes, in public, totally out of control. Thankfully, I had both a tissue at hand and my sunglasses to put on. This is the final wake up call to what seems to be 2 -3 weeks of solid depression. [I don't feel suicidal - I say this because my parents were worried by my silence - I've always been clear that I would never end my life because it would basically destroy too many other lives (my parents, my brother etc). But, I do feel the lowest that I've ever felt in my "almost" 32 years. ]
I expected to feel low with the move to LA and I was prepared for loneliness, lack of motivation etc but not this overwhelming sense of loss and constant questioning of all the decisions made in my life - where has this all come from? I think it’s a combination of feeling completely untethered from everything I've know recently. Yes, I have the boy, who tries his best to help, but he isn't really equipped to deal with other people's depression (to be fair - most people aren't good at handling either their or other's low swings). I think his response is all about action versus contemplation. I'm not ruling that out as the way to go... Anyway, through writing about this and simultaneously trying to "do" stuff, I hope to pull myself out of this funk. If I don't see an improvement in a month's time or if I see a further fall in a shorter span of time, I'll look into counseling.
Today's public and uncontrollable display of tears (and admittedly quite a lot of snot) really shocked me. My gym visits help a lot but I can't help but think that I really need to face and deal with the issues at hand and that however good I feel by running a few miles while listening to my ipod (my true saviour) is just a stop-gap cure.
What are the issues? Well, I think a loss of moorings - where am I? What have I done and what do I want to do? What do I want from this next phase in terms of emotional, physical and spiritual growth? What do I expect from the boy and what can I actually get in terms of emotional support and companionship? I've moved from being truly independent (as much as anyone is) to being dependent on one person for basically most of my needs. I don't have a social safety net and while arguably, I didn't have one on moving to either BRU or BUD or YVR or TO I had other multiple frameworks of reference (job, friends, purpose of move etc), which helped me develop a network around me very quickly. Also, while I landed here running, as I've done with other moves, this time around, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick out of the gate? I was so eager to suppress any low feelings (for the boy's sake as well as mine), that I just bottled everything and now it’s overflowing.
Here in LA I feel irrationally trapped. I also feel lost and unmoored. In many ways, my previous job was all that I had envisioned in terms of professional fulfillment - and I have no idea of what I want to do next - and what I can imagine, doesn't truly excite me (but does offer security and stability). I'm also in no-man's land in terms of what I expect as emotional or "love" goals. Ok, so now we are married, what next? How do we fill up the years - what new things can we discover about each other?
It's of course hard to be positive while feeling depressed and so even events or incidences that would normally give me hope, presently just create a minor blip on my radar. In this no man's land, my current compass is totally useless.
That I have to take back control of my life and emotions is obvious...just charting a way out is the difficult step.
Sigh...so much for landing running...I'm just hoping for standing up straight right now!
I expected to feel low with the move to LA and I was prepared for loneliness, lack of motivation etc but not this overwhelming sense of loss and constant questioning of all the decisions made in my life - where has this all come from? I think it’s a combination of feeling completely untethered from everything I've know recently. Yes, I have the boy, who tries his best to help, but he isn't really equipped to deal with other people's depression (to be fair - most people aren't good at handling either their or other's low swings). I think his response is all about action versus contemplation. I'm not ruling that out as the way to go... Anyway, through writing about this and simultaneously trying to "do" stuff, I hope to pull myself out of this funk. If I don't see an improvement in a month's time or if I see a further fall in a shorter span of time, I'll look into counseling.
Today's public and uncontrollable display of tears (and admittedly quite a lot of snot) really shocked me. My gym visits help a lot but I can't help but think that I really need to face and deal with the issues at hand and that however good I feel by running a few miles while listening to my ipod (my true saviour) is just a stop-gap cure.
What are the issues? Well, I think a loss of moorings - where am I? What have I done and what do I want to do? What do I want from this next phase in terms of emotional, physical and spiritual growth? What do I expect from the boy and what can I actually get in terms of emotional support and companionship? I've moved from being truly independent (as much as anyone is) to being dependent on one person for basically most of my needs. I don't have a social safety net and while arguably, I didn't have one on moving to either BRU or BUD or YVR or TO I had other multiple frameworks of reference (job, friends, purpose of move etc), which helped me develop a network around me very quickly. Also, while I landed here running, as I've done with other moves, this time around, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick out of the gate? I was so eager to suppress any low feelings (for the boy's sake as well as mine), that I just bottled everything and now it’s overflowing.
Here in LA I feel irrationally trapped. I also feel lost and unmoored. In many ways, my previous job was all that I had envisioned in terms of professional fulfillment - and I have no idea of what I want to do next - and what I can imagine, doesn't truly excite me (but does offer security and stability). I'm also in no-man's land in terms of what I expect as emotional or "love" goals. Ok, so now we are married, what next? How do we fill up the years - what new things can we discover about each other?
It's of course hard to be positive while feeling depressed and so even events or incidences that would normally give me hope, presently just create a minor blip on my radar. In this no man's land, my current compass is totally useless.
That I have to take back control of my life and emotions is obvious...just charting a way out is the difficult step.
Sigh...so much for landing running...I'm just hoping for standing up straight right now!
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