I just want to say that I'm making this public promise to myself to order and buy an ipod ASAP. The fact is, listening to "my" music gives me a real boost and I should get over my fear of listening to music in public (the fear of not being able to hear car horns as I'm run down, to hear sirens as the ambulance comes to get me, the voices of people trying to help etc etc) and GROW UP!!
I listened to S's ipod the other night out and well, I fell in love. So, while I will keep my promise to my mum not to hide in closets or behind doors, to look both ways before crossing the road, to keep my cell phone charged in case of an emergency and to say my prayers, I'll have to ditch the old always be vigilent advice and instead tune in to "Stayin Alive" and tune out to the car horns, ambulances and general "watch out little sister" street warnings.
I'll now probably get pulled into the back of a van and held hostage in a dank cellar...but hey, I'll be "walking on sunshine" :-)
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Friday, November 03, 2006
the nation, the state, the state of nations and nation building...
You know it’s the first thing you learn in a class like Government or Politics 101 - the definition of the nation, the state and the rise of the concept of the nation state. Well, as I leave Brussels, and Europe, I have to start the processing of my experience here, in the midst of the great European project. Can there really be a, “one European state” /a one EU state in the future - especially if each current member state stays the way it is – that is, very much each its own a nation, deeply connected to what it considers its core identity? Can the European project really be a success with such absolute nation states as Italy and France, when by definition, the EU success calls for the sublimation of such nationality? Or is it, that such nationality will be replaced by a larger feeling and what we are actually talking about is not the end of nationality as we know it, but the rise of new type – of a supra-nationality?
I would like to add here that I suspect this initial lack of nationalism in Belgium is one of the real reasons the EU institutions are based here in Brussels – as Belgium, the beloved, is the only state I can think of, on the “Continent” that is so deeply divided over its national identity – French vs. Flemish vs. Belgian, that we can carry our this supra-nationality experiment on its soil? I mean can you imagine us, living our totally un-Belgian lives, insisting on un-Belgianness in let’s say a more French or German or Italian or even British Belgian? Where else could the project have been placed really? Everywhere else there wouldn't have been any "space" to incorporate another identity, except maybe London, but then again, London is cosmopolitan, not European. The fact is through its divisive nature, the project has found a natural home in Belgium and Brussels – building the new European in the absence of a strong sense of competing nationality or common identity.
*****
I guess the Euro is always offered up as an example of the move away from nationality - because though laws on competition and the environment for example were harmonised before the euro, no one in the general public seems to care that much that decision making powers on these issues have been weakened at member state level. But currency was the first real “symbol” to be handed over to the EU and it seems to have gone smoothly, though it also brought with it such ease (I mean, it seems really archaic and a pain in the ass when you cross over to the UK and have to change money!!) that Europeans (well most) could easily accept it. But what about other things? Can there ever be a true European state – where people feel first and foremost “European” and follow a European foreign service and civil servants, imagining and prioritizing issues on a European scale vs. a French, British, Danish or Spanish scale? And if so, would it attempt to be a nation state, constructing a story of its birth? In a way, that is what the failed (and boring) constitution tried to do - create the start of a nation and it seemed too much for Europeans - a step to far - too soon. And if Europe became a state, what would its core identity be - some basic agreement on Europe's Christian roots? Commonality cannot exist on food (think pasta vs. potatoes) or fashion or language or even a sense of humour…
*****
I mean, look at project India (which really was a created nation state if ever there was historically a “Hindustan”, which arguably has only existed in our post-Mughal memory) – it’s a story of a united "us" against "them" (first the Brits, then the Pakistanis). What about the common linkages? For India it certainly wasn't language, though for the elite it was by de-facto English. In Europe, language is such a HUGE issue and the battle for dominance between English and French is still taking place (with the French lagging, I may add). Religion is also an uniting factor - in India, while we are multi-religious, arguably we are more than anything else, Hindu, with 80% of the population considering themselves Hindu and Hinduism mostly gently influencing even how we practice other religions and our secular life. And of course, our problematic inter-communal history is both famous and sadly our present, defining us but also strengthening the idea of "us".
In the end, it seems that what has linked India so far is a good story (or set of stories - the Mahabharata, the Ramayana, the long fight for Independence, the birth of a nation, Gandhi etc), spun by Bollywood and churned out through once state only controlled radio and TV and reinforced through food, holidays and traditions. In that sense, Europe doesn't have a story of this new era - its stories seem to linger around WWII, the Crusades, and general in-fighting of European states. The European project tried to resurrect a sense of the origins of Europe from Greece and Rome, but that just doesn't seem to have worked. The problem is the EU is not sexy and is just too bureaucratic to sell to the public.
It was easy to sell the India project – we’re talking about a different, less cynical time, when women were girls and men were men, and white people ruled and the song of the day was “civilization” – with the first line “So bongo, bongo, bongo, I don't wanna leave the Congo”… but damn, we had a good tale. I mean we had a good guy, who came out of Africa, walked our land, spun cloth, gave up sex, and sifted his own salt. We had a bad guy who drank like a fish and spoke beautiful English, and a brave, charismatic leader, who went to Oxford and was more English than Indian, and oh yes, we had hope, oh, so much hope. And now, we exist in the era of google, when not only have the natives got restive, but have risen up and think they can rule, girls are guys and men…well, we don’t know what happened to men!
No seriously, I do feel that if the EU wants to move forward (vertically versus horizontally) it has to reinvent itself – sadly the Eurovision contest just doesn’t do it as it still pits one country against another (and less and less even European Union member states). The introduction of the last set of countries, and now Bulgaria and Romania in 2007 and the continuous talks of Turkey, the Balkans etc joining, just weakens the way the story can be told. Yes, what the EU needs is a good story - like Aliens arriving and a European/EU constructed team of good men and women go out to save the land (if this sounds familiar to you - thank Hollywood, Goldblum and Smith).
Or maybe I'm behind the times and the story is already being spun - except in the place of the aliens, because we've been waiting and the galactic bastards haven't got here as yet (the Belgians provided the directions and the aliens are still trying to land on Mars), we've introduced the migrant. And when we all feel sufficiently scared of being swamped, our jobs lost, our women raped, our babies eaten - a team of hot shot Commissioners can go out there and stop the barbarians at the gates, the EU can save us and the world as we know it, and a lovely, united nation can be born. See, nation building was easier back when wikipedia was just a weird sound and we all still wanted to believe in a good story.
*****
Or maybe, maybe, maybe, the EU has to face the fact that any project started on such a dry scale as money making and money saving (the brain childe of the Benelux) can’t capture the hearts of people. Because maybe we haven’t changed that much and what we want are leaders and not managers – and hey the age of the leader seems to have ended – in Europe and pretty much everywhere else. Now, the people running the planet are economists and MBA students still wearing braces and we aren’t left with dreamers or visionaries. And that my friends, is reflected in all sorts of aspects of life…our tryst with destiny is over, in so, so many ways.
In the end, I offer you the words: http://hamaracd.com/hcdinternational/Asp/DirectSelection.asp?field=song&value=PT.JAWAHARLAL+NEHRU%60S+SPEECH+-+TRYST+WITH+DESTINY&CatId=24
I would like to add here that I suspect this initial lack of nationalism in Belgium is one of the real reasons the EU institutions are based here in Brussels – as Belgium, the beloved, is the only state I can think of, on the “Continent” that is so deeply divided over its national identity – French vs. Flemish vs. Belgian, that we can carry our this supra-nationality experiment on its soil? I mean can you imagine us, living our totally un-Belgian lives, insisting on un-Belgianness in let’s say a more French or German or Italian or even British Belgian? Where else could the project have been placed really? Everywhere else there wouldn't have been any "space" to incorporate another identity, except maybe London, but then again, London is cosmopolitan, not European. The fact is through its divisive nature, the project has found a natural home in Belgium and Brussels – building the new European in the absence of a strong sense of competing nationality or common identity.
*****
I guess the Euro is always offered up as an example of the move away from nationality - because though laws on competition and the environment for example were harmonised before the euro, no one in the general public seems to care that much that decision making powers on these issues have been weakened at member state level. But currency was the first real “symbol” to be handed over to the EU and it seems to have gone smoothly, though it also brought with it such ease (I mean, it seems really archaic and a pain in the ass when you cross over to the UK and have to change money!!) that Europeans (well most) could easily accept it. But what about other things? Can there ever be a true European state – where people feel first and foremost “European” and follow a European foreign service and civil servants, imagining and prioritizing issues on a European scale vs. a French, British, Danish or Spanish scale? And if so, would it attempt to be a nation state, constructing a story of its birth? In a way, that is what the failed (and boring) constitution tried to do - create the start of a nation and it seemed too much for Europeans - a step to far - too soon. And if Europe became a state, what would its core identity be - some basic agreement on Europe's Christian roots? Commonality cannot exist on food (think pasta vs. potatoes) or fashion or language or even a sense of humour…
*****
I mean, look at project India (which really was a created nation state if ever there was historically a “Hindustan”, which arguably has only existed in our post-Mughal memory) – it’s a story of a united "us" against "them" (first the Brits, then the Pakistanis). What about the common linkages? For India it certainly wasn't language, though for the elite it was by de-facto English. In Europe, language is such a HUGE issue and the battle for dominance between English and French is still taking place (with the French lagging, I may add). Religion is also an uniting factor - in India, while we are multi-religious, arguably we are more than anything else, Hindu, with 80% of the population considering themselves Hindu and Hinduism mostly gently influencing even how we practice other religions and our secular life. And of course, our problematic inter-communal history is both famous and sadly our present, defining us but also strengthening the idea of "us".
In the end, it seems that what has linked India so far is a good story (or set of stories - the Mahabharata, the Ramayana, the long fight for Independence, the birth of a nation, Gandhi etc), spun by Bollywood and churned out through once state only controlled radio and TV and reinforced through food, holidays and traditions. In that sense, Europe doesn't have a story of this new era - its stories seem to linger around WWII, the Crusades, and general in-fighting of European states. The European project tried to resurrect a sense of the origins of Europe from Greece and Rome, but that just doesn't seem to have worked. The problem is the EU is not sexy and is just too bureaucratic to sell to the public.
It was easy to sell the India project – we’re talking about a different, less cynical time, when women were girls and men were men, and white people ruled and the song of the day was “civilization” – with the first line “So bongo, bongo, bongo, I don't wanna leave the Congo”… but damn, we had a good tale. I mean we had a good guy, who came out of Africa, walked our land, spun cloth, gave up sex, and sifted his own salt. We had a bad guy who drank like a fish and spoke beautiful English, and a brave, charismatic leader, who went to Oxford and was more English than Indian, and oh yes, we had hope, oh, so much hope. And now, we exist in the era of google, when not only have the natives got restive, but have risen up and think they can rule, girls are guys and men…well, we don’t know what happened to men!
No seriously, I do feel that if the EU wants to move forward (vertically versus horizontally) it has to reinvent itself – sadly the Eurovision contest just doesn’t do it as it still pits one country against another (and less and less even European Union member states). The introduction of the last set of countries, and now Bulgaria and Romania in 2007 and the continuous talks of Turkey, the Balkans etc joining, just weakens the way the story can be told. Yes, what the EU needs is a good story - like Aliens arriving and a European/EU constructed team of good men and women go out to save the land (if this sounds familiar to you - thank Hollywood, Goldblum and Smith).
Or maybe I'm behind the times and the story is already being spun - except in the place of the aliens, because we've been waiting and the galactic bastards haven't got here as yet (the Belgians provided the directions and the aliens are still trying to land on Mars), we've introduced the migrant. And when we all feel sufficiently scared of being swamped, our jobs lost, our women raped, our babies eaten - a team of hot shot Commissioners can go out there and stop the barbarians at the gates, the EU can save us and the world as we know it, and a lovely, united nation can be born. See, nation building was easier back when wikipedia was just a weird sound and we all still wanted to believe in a good story.
*****
Or maybe, maybe, maybe, the EU has to face the fact that any project started on such a dry scale as money making and money saving (the brain childe of the Benelux) can’t capture the hearts of people. Because maybe we haven’t changed that much and what we want are leaders and not managers – and hey the age of the leader seems to have ended – in Europe and pretty much everywhere else. Now, the people running the planet are economists and MBA students still wearing braces and we aren’t left with dreamers or visionaries. And that my friends, is reflected in all sorts of aspects of life…our tryst with destiny is over, in so, so many ways.
In the end, I offer you the words: http://hamaracd.com/hcdinternational/Asp/DirectSelection.asp?field=song&value=PT.JAWAHARLAL+NEHRU%60S+SPEECH+-+TRYST+WITH+DESTINY&CatId=24
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
All Saints Day
How lovely is it to have a four-day work week? AMAZINGLY LOVELY!! Except that now I wish I had a three-day work week...
Of course today also feels like a Sunday, which is always a let down. That awful, heavy, Sunday evenning feeling to be exact. Went out to Sablon for PQ brunch - just super and next time will start with my croissant because I can't do all the bread and the tartine isn't the best. Though the egg was quite perfect. Then walked home via the park behind the Hilton, took a nap and watched SATC, season 6 episodes with R (who by the way is pregnant and looking fab!) And realised it can't really feel like a Sunday as none of this could have taken place on a Sunday because R's not around on weekends - hah! My only regret is well, that it all had to end so quickly, and suddently it is 11.30 pm and my nation vs state post is to be shelved for tomorrow cos I'm typing kinda funny now.
My last thought as I go to bed: Can't wait for Saturday - hey, and I love my job too!
My really last thought: panic attacks on moving have to end as of today and instead I have to prioritise and focus on practical issues to get me through these zooming weeks. Unfortunately, I will have to deal with HR so I better just bite the bullet and start all the closing procedures.
God, I do so love a four day work week!!
Of course today also feels like a Sunday, which is always a let down. That awful, heavy, Sunday evenning feeling to be exact. Went out to Sablon for PQ brunch - just super and next time will start with my croissant because I can't do all the bread and the tartine isn't the best. Though the egg was quite perfect. Then walked home via the park behind the Hilton, took a nap and watched SATC, season 6 episodes with R (who by the way is pregnant and looking fab!) And realised it can't really feel like a Sunday as none of this could have taken place on a Sunday because R's not around on weekends - hah! My only regret is well, that it all had to end so quickly, and suddently it is 11.30 pm and my nation vs state post is to be shelved for tomorrow cos I'm typing kinda funny now.
My last thought as I go to bed: Can't wait for Saturday - hey, and I love my job too!
My really last thought: panic attacks on moving have to end as of today and instead I have to prioritise and focus on practical issues to get me through these zooming weeks. Unfortunately, I will have to deal with HR so I better just bite the bullet and start all the closing procedures.
God, I do so love a four day work week!!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
lazy saturday
This is a quickie - woke up late, kinda hungover, great party at JP's last night, crawled home around 4 am, got to also wear a blonde wig and drink (at least in the beginning) some really nice red wine.
Off to Bozar for the India exhibit - I probably will spend a bit of time every weekend there as there is so much to see, but I have to rush as N's train arrives soon from the NDLs. Here is the link to the bozar festival:
http://www.bozar.be/activity.php?id=6466&
We are in the middle of sending out the invites (finally!) and people seem to love them! I have about 18-20 friends coming from my side - not counting family and family friends. Sadly, some of my oldest and closest friends won't be able to make it - I totally understand - between jobs and babies etc., life is pretty hectic, in addition to India being an expensive destination to fly to. What is nice is a chance to collect everyone from different parts and times of my life togehter, in one place. I'm realising the magic of marriage now - it gives us a chance to celebrate the very thing that makes us humans tick - LOVE (shared between partners, family and community)!
Last two thoughts of this quickie: 1. Gave in Resignation Letter on Monday; 2. Have to put links to friends blogs.
Off to Bozar for the India exhibit - I probably will spend a bit of time every weekend there as there is so much to see, but I have to rush as N's train arrives soon from the NDLs. Here is the link to the bozar festival:
http://www.bozar.be/activity.php?id=6466&
We are in the middle of sending out the invites (finally!) and people seem to love them! I have about 18-20 friends coming from my side - not counting family and family friends. Sadly, some of my oldest and closest friends won't be able to make it - I totally understand - between jobs and babies etc., life is pretty hectic, in addition to India being an expensive destination to fly to. What is nice is a chance to collect everyone from different parts and times of my life togehter, in one place. I'm realising the magic of marriage now - it gives us a chance to celebrate the very thing that makes us humans tick - LOVE (shared between partners, family and community)!
Last two thoughts of this quickie: 1. Gave in Resignation Letter on Monday; 2. Have to put links to friends blogs.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Photos from the Middle East
Finally, a few photos of the trip to Syria, Jordan and Lebanon - with a big thanks to my co-traveller and good friend, H - who was the official photographer of the trip and as you can see did a great job (click on each photo):
1. On the road to Damascus...
2. 50 Cent in Beirut
3. Hezbollah being welcomed back
4. Destruction along the coastal highway into Beirut
5. Damascus 1
6. Damascus 2
7. One of my border pals
8. Entering Damascus in the afternoon
9. Construction in the desert
10. Middle class dreams - Amman
1. On the road to Damascus...
2. 50 Cent in Beirut
3. Hezbollah being welcomed back
4. Destruction along the coastal highway into Beirut
5. Damascus 1
6. Damascus 2
7. One of my border pals
8. Entering Damascus in the afternoon
9. Construction in the desert
10. Middle class dreams - Amman
Reading Maximum City in LaLa Land
Well, I'm in LaLa Land for 3 days, visiting the boy, and essentially coming to terms with the idea that I will soon be living here! First of all, let me say the weather is, as usual, just simply gorgeous. That should be enough of a reason to joyfully move I guess...especially after Brussels!
I read Suketu Mehta's "Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found" in one day - I literally gobbled it up yesterday, reading on the plane, at UCLA and then at home. I loved it in the same way that I adore good ice-cream, it is delicious and easy to eat, even filing and arguably nutritious, but while lacking something substantial, still rumination provoking. Mehta made me once again consider (and face) the deep anti-Pakistani sentiment we Indians seem to share and our more hidden, anti-Muslim feelings. It is as if for our country to exist we have to create an opposite to measure ourselves against – we are secular, they are religious; we are open, they are closed; we are democratic, they are despotic etc etc. While India is, as pointed out by Mehta, surrounded by Muslim countries, the only one that engages our imagination as much and that we struggle against, both at our borders and in our hearts, is Pakistan.
Mehta talks a lot about Bombay as this big mixing and melting pot and I'm trying to remember how it was living in Juhu, just opposite Sea Princess (mentioned in the book) - I guess ours are what Mehta calls a "cosmopolitan" building/buildings. We had Catholics, Parsis, Jains, and Hindus living and playing together. In addition, the families were Bengali, Maharashtrian, Gujarati, Goan, East Indian, Punjabi, etc. We had only one Muslim family (in the building next to ours), with a son named like the famous Pakistani cricket captain (ahem). I don't remember any slurs being tossed about by us kids – we did have the occasional joke, usually about the Parsis, and made by the Parsis, but it seemed that though we were aware of our differences, we continued to exchange sweets on holy days and generally felt a bond based on the buildings we lived in (Neptune, vs. Sea Queen etc) rather than along religious or regional lines. In fact we even had kids who were from "mixed marriages", which in those days was quite adventurous and basically meant a Punjabi married to a Gujarati, or a Parsi married to a Catholic. I do remember talking to the building boys about the first set of Hindu-Muslim riots as one of them (a Hindu) had a Muslim girlfriend. I guess I was lucky that my first images of life and of India were so heterogeneous. Strangely though, while different boys pursued us, and we flirted back, I don’t remember us ever considering a relationship (a teenage love) with anyone non-Catholic - that seemed somewhat out of bounds.
What does all the above, my first influences on love and longing, say about my current choice?
I also took note of Mehta's naming of Northwest Bombay, in particular, Juhu and Bandra, as the Beverly Hills of Bombay, "where the stars live and work" (p155- Number two after Scotland Yard). In some bizarre cosmic way, back again, here I am in star-studded land, especially if we end up living in West Hollywood - actually all a waste on me - because though I love the movies, I'm just not infatuated by the stars (of neither Hollywood nor Bollywood). I have memories of going to some Bollywood royalty’s houses, and seeing them at weddings and the clubs we just naturally frequented in our area, but never running after them. I guess we were blasé about it because we went to school with their kids and lived in the midst of them.
The parts of the book that I enjoyed the most were the discussions on the links and similarities between organised crime and terrorism. I agree that there is a litany of global woes of jihadists - and not without some basis - from Afghanistan, to Chechnya, to Palestine, to Bosnia, to Kashmir, and now to Iraq (and possibly Gujarat), which not only reinforces the idea of Islamaphobia but focuses on each crisis as a matter of survival of Islam (the global fight), so that territorial disputes such as Kashmir, Chechnya and Palestine are elevated to struggles of the "uma" and equated with the authentic acts of genocide against Muslims, such as Bosnia and Gujarat. What Mehta clearly shows is that terrorism is just another name for organised crime, this time just adopting and using a larger cause than just money or fame to achieve the same prize – power. The “partnerships” built up between terrorist groups such as the LTTE and Al Qaeda and the IRA and between terrorist groups and gangland (Dawood in the case of Bombay, but the Chechen mafia in Russia) show that blowing someone up for religion or land is the same as shooting them for debts not paid.
In the end, I feel that what Mehta really does a good job highlighting, is a Bombayite’s love for Bombay, the very idea of Bombay vs. Mumbai, and the need for a symbol of a city like Bombay in the minds of Indians and the Indian national story. In many ways, Bombay, like the Quit India struggle, is one of the strong threads binding the patches of cloth that make up the Indian quilt.
I read Suketu Mehta's "Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found" in one day - I literally gobbled it up yesterday, reading on the plane, at UCLA and then at home. I loved it in the same way that I adore good ice-cream, it is delicious and easy to eat, even filing and arguably nutritious, but while lacking something substantial, still rumination provoking. Mehta made me once again consider (and face) the deep anti-Pakistani sentiment we Indians seem to share and our more hidden, anti-Muslim feelings. It is as if for our country to exist we have to create an opposite to measure ourselves against – we are secular, they are religious; we are open, they are closed; we are democratic, they are despotic etc etc. While India is, as pointed out by Mehta, surrounded by Muslim countries, the only one that engages our imagination as much and that we struggle against, both at our borders and in our hearts, is Pakistan.
Mehta talks a lot about Bombay as this big mixing and melting pot and I'm trying to remember how it was living in Juhu, just opposite Sea Princess (mentioned in the book) - I guess ours are what Mehta calls a "cosmopolitan" building/buildings. We had Catholics, Parsis, Jains, and Hindus living and playing together. In addition, the families were Bengali, Maharashtrian, Gujarati, Goan, East Indian, Punjabi, etc. We had only one Muslim family (in the building next to ours), with a son named like the famous Pakistani cricket captain (ahem). I don't remember any slurs being tossed about by us kids – we did have the occasional joke, usually about the Parsis, and made by the Parsis, but it seemed that though we were aware of our differences, we continued to exchange sweets on holy days and generally felt a bond based on the buildings we lived in (Neptune, vs. Sea Queen etc) rather than along religious or regional lines. In fact we even had kids who were from "mixed marriages", which in those days was quite adventurous and basically meant a Punjabi married to a Gujarati, or a Parsi married to a Catholic. I do remember talking to the building boys about the first set of Hindu-Muslim riots as one of them (a Hindu) had a Muslim girlfriend. I guess I was lucky that my first images of life and of India were so heterogeneous. Strangely though, while different boys pursued us, and we flirted back, I don’t remember us ever considering a relationship (a teenage love) with anyone non-Catholic - that seemed somewhat out of bounds.
What does all the above, my first influences on love and longing, say about my current choice?
I also took note of Mehta's naming of Northwest Bombay, in particular, Juhu and Bandra, as the Beverly Hills of Bombay, "where the stars live and work" (p155- Number two after Scotland Yard). In some bizarre cosmic way, back again, here I am in star-studded land, especially if we end up living in West Hollywood - actually all a waste on me - because though I love the movies, I'm just not infatuated by the stars (of neither Hollywood nor Bollywood). I have memories of going to some Bollywood royalty’s houses, and seeing them at weddings and the clubs we just naturally frequented in our area, but never running after them. I guess we were blasé about it because we went to school with their kids and lived in the midst of them.
The parts of the book that I enjoyed the most were the discussions on the links and similarities between organised crime and terrorism. I agree that there is a litany of global woes of jihadists - and not without some basis - from Afghanistan, to Chechnya, to Palestine, to Bosnia, to Kashmir, and now to Iraq (and possibly Gujarat), which not only reinforces the idea of Islamaphobia but focuses on each crisis as a matter of survival of Islam (the global fight), so that territorial disputes such as Kashmir, Chechnya and Palestine are elevated to struggles of the "uma" and equated with the authentic acts of genocide against Muslims, such as Bosnia and Gujarat. What Mehta clearly shows is that terrorism is just another name for organised crime, this time just adopting and using a larger cause than just money or fame to achieve the same prize – power. The “partnerships” built up between terrorist groups such as the LTTE and Al Qaeda and the IRA and between terrorist groups and gangland (Dawood in the case of Bombay, but the Chechen mafia in Russia) show that blowing someone up for religion or land is the same as shooting them for debts not paid.
In the end, I feel that what Mehta really does a good job highlighting, is a Bombayite’s love for Bombay, the very idea of Bombay vs. Mumbai, and the need for a symbol of a city like Bombay in the minds of Indians and the Indian national story. In many ways, Bombay, like the Quit India struggle, is one of the strong threads binding the patches of cloth that make up the Indian quilt.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Migration today
The whole EU is in a tizzy about the Canary Islands and the Senegalese migrants stranded there, literally on the doorstop of Europe. In tandem with this the UN just held its High Level Dialogue (HLD) on Migration and Development, which my office worked a lot on in terms of preparing papers for our colleagues in GV and NY. Very interesting stuff is coming out these days - the issue of migration can't be avoided or ignored any longer and while it seems through the pictures even more of a North-South story than ever before, the tale is in fact far more nuanced than that.
For example, everyone thought the G77 of the developing nations would make a strong statement at the HLD in NYC (mid-Sept), in support of the migrant (worker), and in support of an international mechanism to manage migration, but in the end the G77 was divided between some sending nations, such as the Philippines and other "receiving" nations like Saudi Arabia or even Jordan. In addition, some states like India, a sending nation, but also receiving (in regional terms) and a nation with both high and low skilled workers, was quite silent through the dialogue, mainly due to its allergy to multilateral discussions. Then there were the expected attitudes of certain players - the UK being staunchly against any UN-related body being set up to coordinate migration, or to push the migration dialogue onto another level (and away from the control of the nation state). And then some real surprises, like little old Belgium. One sure fact was the linkage made and the strengthening of the acceptance of the linkage between migration and development.
How fascinating is all of this? We will look back at these times and probably shake our heads wondering why we never dealt with migration on a more global, coordinated, and managed scale and instead pushed for national sovereignity on this issue. First of all, the EC will look back and shake its head as they should be the first to move forward on "regional" coordination and pan-national mechanisms. But, anyway, EU bashing aside, migration today is what the environment was as a hot topic 15 years ago, with the same realisation taking place that we can only handle this on a pan-global level. The difference of course is the highly volatile nature of migration and how we (senders and receivers) perceive cultural changes through migration.
Some issues of interest: brain drain, brain waste, remittances as development aid, illegal/irregular migration, redefining of "refugee" and asylum, economic migrants, amnesties, citizenship, labour migration/legal migration, returns and readmission, migrant centres in the doorways of the developed world (like Libya for Africa), highly skilled migrants vs low skilled and domestic workers, rights of the migrant and the migrant worker, role of the diaspora etc etc.
Fascinating...just fascinating... and I feel privileged to be here, in the middle of the chaos and chatter, experiencing this era of change.
For example, everyone thought the G77 of the developing nations would make a strong statement at the HLD in NYC (mid-Sept), in support of the migrant (worker), and in support of an international mechanism to manage migration, but in the end the G77 was divided between some sending nations, such as the Philippines and other "receiving" nations like Saudi Arabia or even Jordan. In addition, some states like India, a sending nation, but also receiving (in regional terms) and a nation with both high and low skilled workers, was quite silent through the dialogue, mainly due to its allergy to multilateral discussions. Then there were the expected attitudes of certain players - the UK being staunchly against any UN-related body being set up to coordinate migration, or to push the migration dialogue onto another level (and away from the control of the nation state). And then some real surprises, like little old Belgium. One sure fact was the linkage made and the strengthening of the acceptance of the linkage between migration and development.
How fascinating is all of this? We will look back at these times and probably shake our heads wondering why we never dealt with migration on a more global, coordinated, and managed scale and instead pushed for national sovereignity on this issue. First of all, the EC will look back and shake its head as they should be the first to move forward on "regional" coordination and pan-national mechanisms. But, anyway, EU bashing aside, migration today is what the environment was as a hot topic 15 years ago, with the same realisation taking place that we can only handle this on a pan-global level. The difference of course is the highly volatile nature of migration and how we (senders and receivers) perceive cultural changes through migration.
Some issues of interest: brain drain, brain waste, remittances as development aid, illegal/irregular migration, redefining of "refugee" and asylum, economic migrants, amnesties, citizenship, labour migration/legal migration, returns and readmission, migrant centres in the doorways of the developed world (like Libya for Africa), highly skilled migrants vs low skilled and domestic workers, rights of the migrant and the migrant worker, role of the diaspora etc etc.
Fascinating...just fascinating... and I feel privileged to be here, in the middle of the chaos and chatter, experiencing this era of change.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
my personality test results
My Personality
71 | |
71 | |
43 | |
37 | |
40 |
Find your soulmate / pysch twin Friendster, MySpace Codes and MySpace Layouts by Pulseware Survey Software |
Under Neuroticism it says this about me:
You feel tense, jittery, and nervous and often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. You may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. You feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. Mostly your emotions are on an even keel and you do not get depressed easily. You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you. You feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. High levels of stress can lead to you feeling panic or confusion, but usually you cope with day to day pressures.
And Extraversion:
You genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. You make friends quickly and it is easy for you to form close, intimate relationships. You find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding, and you enjoy the excitement that crowds provide. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You love bright lights and hustle and bustle. You are likely to take risks and seek thrills. You experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy.
Openness to Experience:
Often you find the real world is too plain and ordinary for your liking, and you use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world for yourself. You are reasonably interested in the arts but are not totally absorbed by them. Generally you are not considered to be an emotional person, however you are aware of and in touch with your emotions. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You enjoy a certain amount of debate or intellectual thought, but sometimes get bored with too much. You like the security of tradition, but sometimes have a desire to bend the rules and challenge conventional thinking.
Agreeableness:
You mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You will help others if they are in need. If people ask for too much of your time you feel that they are imposing on you. You do not enjoy confrontation, but you will stand up for yourself or push your point if you feel it is important. You feel superior to those around you and sometimes tend to be seen as arrogant by other people. You are mostly a compassionate person, however you prefer to make objective judgments when possible.
Conscientiousness:
Often you do not feel effective, and may have a sense that you are not in control of your life. You are a reasonably organized person and like to have a certain amount of routine in your life. You find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining and are sometimes seen as unreliable or even irresponsible by others. You strive hard to achieve excellence. Your drive to be recognized as successful keeps you on track toward your lofty goals. You often have a strong sense of direction in life, but may sometimes be too single-minded and obsessed with your work. You have a reasonable amount of will-power and are able to follow through on tasks that you feel you need to complete. You can be distracted however and have been known to procrastinate. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.
******
While I don't agree with everything described above, I agree with the majority of the results. And in the end, I just LOVE personality tests. It has been a slow Sunday so far, with Friday a party night of great proportions. Sticking to wine and having a meal during the evening saved me. I'm feeling generally ok and a bit numb - about work, the future, the wedding etc. I realise this is a rut, in terms of emotional levels, since mid-August I've gone from high to low to middle. The middle level is the most dangerous because I can slip into low and not really realise it. In addition, when in middle level, I just can't activate myself to do anything productive. This is about it - and reading 2 books in 1 day. I have forms to fill out, website content to develop etc etc and next week is London with the girls. AAGH!
Saturday, September 09, 2006
superficial vs serious worries
I think superficial worries are just as equal to serious worries, but one should at least be aware of how to categorize one's own worries. Here is my list:
Superficial:
1. My hair (thinnning! badly cut! not in good shape)
2. My hips (no more on these)
3. Looking good for the wedding (me in a sari!)
3b. Not tripping during the whole wedding week (drunk or sober)
4. My passport photo (got to get rid of it!)
5. What people will remember of the wedding
6. What my new boss thinks of me (I should give a flying F for a number of reasons)
7. What my old boss really thinks of me (though reading the signs he seems to have loved me and valued my work)
Serious:
1. That the wedding goes off well
2. That my paperwork to the US is smooth
3. My Syrian stamps don't put me on a terrorist list or get me body/cavity searched
4. Saving money
Then the worries that haunt me and are just me (that is- paranoid and a little OTT):
1. Getting run over in the next few months and becoming paralysed
2. Something happening to my family members or the boy (!)
3. Getting fired before I put in my resignation
4. Everyone at the office deciding they hate me, esp my group (dream of this)
5. Burning down the apt or some problematic issue taking place, like the apt being burgled etc. (worry every morning)
I feel decidely tense. urgh! On the other hand, by acknowledging my worries I also feel more in control. If you met me you wouldn't think I had a care in the world, especially not on a Friday night drinks party. But, my close friends know I'm neurotic. But at least I can categorise the sane, the superficial and the crazy worries. See, I'm normal after all.
Superficial:
1. My hair (thinnning! badly cut! not in good shape)
2. My hips (no more on these)
3. Looking good for the wedding (me in a sari!)
3b. Not tripping during the whole wedding week (drunk or sober)
4. My passport photo (got to get rid of it!)
5. What people will remember of the wedding
6. What my new boss thinks of me (I should give a flying F for a number of reasons)
7. What my old boss really thinks of me (though reading the signs he seems to have loved me and valued my work)
Serious:
1. That the wedding goes off well
2. That my paperwork to the US is smooth
3. My Syrian stamps don't put me on a terrorist list or get me body/cavity searched
4. Saving money
Then the worries that haunt me and are just me (that is- paranoid and a little OTT):
1. Getting run over in the next few months and becoming paralysed
2. Something happening to my family members or the boy (!)
3. Getting fired before I put in my resignation
4. Everyone at the office deciding they hate me, esp my group (dream of this)
5. Burning down the apt or some problematic issue taking place, like the apt being burgled etc. (worry every morning)
I feel decidely tense. urgh! On the other hand, by acknowledging my worries I also feel more in control. If you met me you wouldn't think I had a care in the world, especially not on a Friday night drinks party. But, my close friends know I'm neurotic. But at least I can categorise the sane, the superficial and the crazy worries. See, I'm normal after all.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Highlight of the week: Brussels beer festival
The title pretty much says it all! It has been a blah week with the only highlight being the upcoming beer festival at Grand Place. I am committed to drinking/trying more than five beers (I tried four last year) as this year I'm not bogged down with French friends (and instead have picked a good beer drinking crew - Belgian, Canadian, Portuguese, maybe a Brit or two, and some Italians).
I was called my funky mood tonight and in talking I realised, it isn't the boy who has put me in this mood - it's me! After the high of Lebanon I'm feeling depressed, added to that is exhaustion, bad weather, mis-behaving skin and general hair disasters. In addition, the whole new boss thing is sending me ga-ga, as it is for others I work with. In my case, I want to be one of my old boss's chosen ones - and maybe I will be - maybe I won't. I'm leaving, so I shoudn't say yes, even if he asks me to join him and really, why am I constantly looking for his approval? Wasn't Lebanon, Aceh, Dubai/Afghanistan and China etc etc enough? All I know is I had two work dreams last night - neither very pleasant and I woke up feeling annoyed and let down by my subconscious.
I think I need a new, healthier attitude at work, something in line with my upcoming departure. I can't reduce my 100% input drastically, because I would (and do) feel lost and need constant stress of some sort (admit it you stress junky!), but I should start winding down and looking ahead.
I can't wait to go home and see my parents in early October! I think that will also give me some time to gain perspective and re-start my internet searching for stuff in Lala land.
So, in a blah week the things I have to be thankful for are:
1. R for always putting stuff in context and making me think and smile;
2. Living in Brussels where a beer festival is guaranteed to be fabulous;
3. Excellent friends and colleagues, who make me laugh and put up with my moods;
4. The boy for being himself;
5. The Belgian Police for their niceness and innability to do anything/lack of toughness; and
6. Getting a salary for stuff I love to do!!!
Hey, you couldn't ask for more (except for better hair). I don't want to trivialise my blog any further, but one posting will have to be on the hair and hair cut. Let me just say this - if it isn't all "right" by 3 Jan 2007, I'll be shattered!
I was called my funky mood tonight and in talking I realised, it isn't the boy who has put me in this mood - it's me! After the high of Lebanon I'm feeling depressed, added to that is exhaustion, bad weather, mis-behaving skin and general hair disasters. In addition, the whole new boss thing is sending me ga-ga, as it is for others I work with. In my case, I want to be one of my old boss's chosen ones - and maybe I will be - maybe I won't. I'm leaving, so I shoudn't say yes, even if he asks me to join him and really, why am I constantly looking for his approval? Wasn't Lebanon, Aceh, Dubai/Afghanistan and China etc etc enough? All I know is I had two work dreams last night - neither very pleasant and I woke up feeling annoyed and let down by my subconscious.
I think I need a new, healthier attitude at work, something in line with my upcoming departure. I can't reduce my 100% input drastically, because I would (and do) feel lost and need constant stress of some sort (admit it you stress junky!), but I should start winding down and looking ahead.
I can't wait to go home and see my parents in early October! I think that will also give me some time to gain perspective and re-start my internet searching for stuff in Lala land.
So, in a blah week the things I have to be thankful for are:
1. R for always putting stuff in context and making me think and smile;
2. Living in Brussels where a beer festival is guaranteed to be fabulous;
3. Excellent friends and colleagues, who make me laugh and put up with my moods;
4. The boy for being himself;
5. The Belgian Police for their niceness and innability to do anything/lack of toughness; and
6. Getting a salary for stuff I love to do!!!
Hey, you couldn't ask for more (except for better hair). I don't want to trivialise my blog any further, but one posting will have to be on the hair and hair cut. Let me just say this - if it isn't all "right" by 3 Jan 2007, I'll be shattered!
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Growing Up - que sera, sera...
It suddenly seems as if everyone is pregnant or already has a baby - two of my close girlfriends (the trendsetters - first to marry etc., - though since they are dating each other, I count them as one), B's brother, R's 3 guy friends, M and M etc etc. I'm really happy for all of them but of course I'm also a bit weirded out - suddenly we're entering totally new territory, true adulthood! I can see the world changing in front of me and I'm mesmerized that it is actually happening. I always imagined myself as a mother, but in a sort of vague, “wouldn’t it be fun” kind of way, on the same level as the “wouldn’t it be fun to live off the grid” fantasy. (That old line that I can't even look after a plant, is well, frankly old.) Understand this - I don't want to have a child - for now. I am not ready and I'm just getting used to being a wife/partner, but suddenly this next step in "growing up" seems real. This extended youth is coming to a close – whether we like it or fight it – adulthood is now shadowing us, and to try and run away from it is a mistake. And here’s something, should I never be a mother, others around me will, and my life will change regardless.
For example, I spent Friday night out with the girls, we drank four pitchers of sangria, had a marvelous time at El Papagayo and closed the place down (thanks to the ownership who let us be as loud as we wanted, gave us extra lollipops, the great service and amazing Euro 10 -3 course meal) and really enjoyed the night because we had no one dependent on us or who we had to think about...apart from our boyfriends. That ease of being "free" probably wouldn't exist if we had kids - even if someone was babysitting them and we could stay out all night, the next day would be hell! With this recent spate of pregnancies (and of course the already documented marriage mania) I can see that nights like Friday at el papagayo will soon become rare, and while we will miss them, we'll feel fulfilled in other ways (hopefully!)
According to B, even when I'm wild, I'm maternal - I looked after her really well on Friday, as she was feeling all fluey. I like that, because that's how I imagine my aunt/mother persona - a bit crazy but solid and loving.
Only time will tell. And as my mum used to sing, "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be".
For now, I'm very thankful for my life - for a night like el papagayo, for such lovely friends, for having ginger ale at home to greet me on a painful Sat morning, for the Belgian police (to be detailed at another time) and for living in a society where I can go out on my own and not have to chaperoned by a man! And as for the future, I can only hope whatever path I'm own, it works out as well.
Last note: El Papagayo, Latin American Food (and more!)
6 place Rouppe, 1000 Brussels, Tél. 02/514.50.83
For example, I spent Friday night out with the girls, we drank four pitchers of sangria, had a marvelous time at El Papagayo and closed the place down (thanks to the ownership who let us be as loud as we wanted, gave us extra lollipops, the great service and amazing Euro 10 -3 course meal) and really enjoyed the night because we had no one dependent on us or who we had to think about...apart from our boyfriends. That ease of being "free" probably wouldn't exist if we had kids - even if someone was babysitting them and we could stay out all night, the next day would be hell! With this recent spate of pregnancies (and of course the already documented marriage mania) I can see that nights like Friday at el papagayo will soon become rare, and while we will miss them, we'll feel fulfilled in other ways (hopefully!)
According to B, even when I'm wild, I'm maternal - I looked after her really well on Friday, as she was feeling all fluey. I like that, because that's how I imagine my aunt/mother persona - a bit crazy but solid and loving.
Only time will tell. And as my mum used to sing, "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be".
For now, I'm very thankful for my life - for a night like el papagayo, for such lovely friends, for having ginger ale at home to greet me on a painful Sat morning, for the Belgian police (to be detailed at another time) and for living in a society where I can go out on my own and not have to chaperoned by a man! And as for the future, I can only hope whatever path I'm own, it works out as well.
Last note: El Papagayo, Latin American Food (and more!)
6 place Rouppe, 1000 Brussels, Tél. 02/514.50.83
Friday, August 25, 2006
August in Brussels
August in Brussels is dull at the best of times – everyone flees the city for long, sun-kissed holidays and the weather is overcast and grey. This August is as expected - windy, rainy and empty - and more. The month seems to be dragging on with very little to report in terms of highlights. We are all exhausted at work, unsure what September and October will hold for us and generally feeling lethargic. I think Lebanon gave me a spark (and a serious stress) from mid-July to now but it is ending and we are returning to our ruts. I reviewed two reports today, both on border management, and realise how much of my time is spent keeping people out of countries rather than facilitating their entry.
I have to go to the police and report my missing ID cards. Though there should be no problem I’m depressed by the idea of more paperwork. If I can’t deal with the minute amounts of personal paperwork here in Brussels, hell knows how I’ll manage in the US where one’s life is run by credit cards, bills, payments due etc. I’ve just got out of the loop of dealing in a capitalist society and the stuff I miss, like shops open late, great customer service etc., quality and quantity and choice of goods, all come at a price!
I’ve decided that the wedding website will be my new focus – to really get it off the ground and working as a useful tool. I complain that the boy takes too long in getting things done, but I haven’t really taken on any one wedding project to date. I’m also going to start compiling music for the wedding. I realise that to see my way through this drizzly August in some sane state, I’ll have to energise myself and no one else can do it for me.
Have I mentioned before my love for cities? I realised it after Damascus that everyone has something that brightens their life – for some people it’s a new love, for others it’s the great outdoors/a nature landscape, or new acquisitions (clothes, jewellery, or cars), etc. For me it’s discovering a city. I thrive on the idea of making a city mine, of conquering a little part of it – both physically and in my imagination. Sadly, like those people who tire of their new acquisition, their new love, etc., I tire of my cities and am ready after an average of 2 years to move on, to rediscover. I am not fickle in my love of the boy and my family. But I’m so, so fickle in my love of cities. And this feeling, this heavy August dullness, of being antsy in addition to a growing ennui, is a sign of the end of my love affair with Brussels. In November it will be 2 years. I’m so predictable… the only question now is where next? La-la land seems where I’m headed and for at least 3-4 years. I suspect though, that like NYC, it’ll keep me busy and on my toes for more than a two-year stretch.
I have to go to the police and report my missing ID cards. Though there should be no problem I’m depressed by the idea of more paperwork. If I can’t deal with the minute amounts of personal paperwork here in Brussels, hell knows how I’ll manage in the US where one’s life is run by credit cards, bills, payments due etc. I’ve just got out of the loop of dealing in a capitalist society and the stuff I miss, like shops open late, great customer service etc., quality and quantity and choice of goods, all come at a price!
I’ve decided that the wedding website will be my new focus – to really get it off the ground and working as a useful tool. I complain that the boy takes too long in getting things done, but I haven’t really taken on any one wedding project to date. I’m also going to start compiling music for the wedding. I realise that to see my way through this drizzly August in some sane state, I’ll have to energise myself and no one else can do it for me.
Have I mentioned before my love for cities? I realised it after Damascus that everyone has something that brightens their life – for some people it’s a new love, for others it’s the great outdoors/a nature landscape, or new acquisitions (clothes, jewellery, or cars), etc. For me it’s discovering a city. I thrive on the idea of making a city mine, of conquering a little part of it – both physically and in my imagination. Sadly, like those people who tire of their new acquisition, their new love, etc., I tire of my cities and am ready after an average of 2 years to move on, to rediscover. I am not fickle in my love of the boy and my family. But I’m so, so fickle in my love of cities. And this feeling, this heavy August dullness, of being antsy in addition to a growing ennui, is a sign of the end of my love affair with Brussels. In November it will be 2 years. I’m so predictable… the only question now is where next? La-la land seems where I’m headed and for at least 3-4 years. I suspect though, that like NYC, it’ll keep me busy and on my toes for more than a two-year stretch.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
The Mashreq - Damascus, Beriut, Amman part II
I finally have a break in a three week work-a-thon. This whole Lebanon crisis situation has taken a good year off my life, though every minute has been worth it. Or so I can say now that it seems to be coming to an end.
I know when I leave I’m going to miss all of this- the highly political work, the stress, the constant demands to be tuned in and “on” – both mentally and physically. But, at the same time I can’t help but think one can only live this way for the long-term if you accept smoking, drinking and singledom as your mantra. Basically, to survive and succeed you have to marry the job (and the org!) and fully invest your soul in the political intricacies If this had taken place 10 years ago I may have been ready to do so, but now in my 30s, I am aware of the emptiness of committing one’s self to one’s work alone. You can’t have everything in life at one go, but if you are lucky, I think you can just enjoy all the phases, and I’m ready for another phase.
Parallels to Punjabis and living life to the full:
Now, let me just say this about the Mashreq (Jordan, Syria, Lebanon etc) – the people live their life to the fullest. It’s an interesting mix between being European to some degree, and still maintaining Asian roots. The same penny-pinching you see in the South of India is missing – in fact, the closest I can place the Mashreq to is the Punjab and Punjabis, but with a stronger western twist added in. For all those India lovers, I really don’t need to say any more. The women in all three cities (Amman, Damascus and Beirut) were gorgeous and dressed very well and showed a lot of skin (and did so openly – not something you necessarily see in Northern India). But I would say that modernisation and a western outlook is still only a veneer throughout the region. For example, you may think you are in a western town but then you go into some bars (at five star hotels) and they are full of men – the only women being a handful of Russians working the joint. In the same vein, groups of young, good-looking, well-dressed people wander the streets, parading themselves and enjoying the warm nights – but most of the groups are single-sex. One day I wore a skirt in Amman and regardless of my modest shirt etc., the skirt received a lot of attention. Very strange, when women in tinsy little tank tops were surrounding me- but they were local and of course not to be touched! I heard a lot of stories from the expatriate women in the region that they were often approached by men in the street or by taxi drivers etc for sex etc. This reminds me of my experience with Pakistani cab drivers in NYC – in the end it just seemed safer to walk home at midnight than catch a cab!
Of course in comparison to Europe, there is something very sexy and vibrant about the Middle East – more so than India in some ways. The night life in Damascus carried on to the early hours, with restaurants full to the brim, people out picnicking in parks, and having fund. In Amman, the streets were a little emptier, partly as it is a spread out city in comparison to Damascus and very new in its infrastructure. But, the restaurants were all bustling. And then there’s Beirut, which I think must never sleep – even as bombs fall. One expatriate said that he loved the Jordanians partying and then came to Beirut and realised what real partying is about!
Border Management Issues:
From a professional point of view, I was shocked at border security. I can’t really cross a border any more without rating its security systems and use of biometrics, checking of identification documents etc. And while Lebanon and Jordan were the better (and the Lebanese strive to be very strict and cautious of their borders), all three countries have some serious issues in terms of docu-checking, visa fraud etc. Syria is of course totally porous – the desert really seems immense and all the crossings are wrought with dust and crowds clambering to be let in or out. At one border, all the Syrians push to put their ID cards forward, papers jumbled and falling all around. Then a guard, using a loudspeaker, calls out the names: “Mohammad Qadr”, “Rafiq Ali” etc etc. Of course there is no way to ascertain in this made melee that Mohammad Qadr is in fact the same Mohammad in the banged up ID card handed in. On our drive out of Amman to Damascus, we passed the road to Baghdad. In seven hours we could have been in that city. I can’t go into too much detail, but let’s just say that at one crossing into Syria, we basically paid one of the guards for our visas (hard currency is the magic word). By the time we left Beirut, we’d spent so much time on the Lebanese-Syrian border, that the guards all knew me, and greeted H and I very heartily as we wheeled our cases along the non-man’s land bridge.
Call to Prayer:
The other interesting thing for me was to hear the call to prayer again. It really evoked a lot of old feelings and images from Bahrain. In Damascus, where the call was more prominent and even though I’m not Muslim, nor am I very religious any longer, I understand the power of the call – it reminds you of God and of your duty. The Middle East and the Mashreq can always be romanticised, and in fact, is done so too easily by Europeans, with the result that the dangerous side of the region is hidden or overlooked. I think it is only through living in the region that one gets to see the darker side, including the absolute acceptance of slavery – of women, foreign domestic workers, anyone who threatens the system etc. And what is really the hardest thing to overcome is the bond between the boys – here we see the true meaning of the boys club. A foreign male may be included but no women are ever let in. I think this is one reason why so many of our more Emergency-Field colleagues love staying in the region and not having to deal with women (in the West or in the Arab world).
A region of conflict and contradictions:
Basically, the region seemed rife with contradictions. How can we (the Europeans, the US) plan a “road map” or provide answers when we ourselves are such outsiders and only see the superficial picture? On talking to a number of Jordanian Christians, there seemed to be a great distrust of the Shia Muslims, but toleration of the Sunni. The Christians themselves are divided into sects – drums, Syrians etc., and for the most part get along and intermarry but the communities are not always on such peaceful terms. In addition, entering Beirut, a majority of the returning cars carried Hezbollah flags and where once the rough understanding was Muslim Lebanese for Hezbollah, Christian Lebanese anti-Syrian, the recent conflict has muddied these distinctions. In Syria, a land I always attached to Islam and fundamentalism, the Christian community is alive and well placed, with the Christian old city full of commerce. The only thing seemingly linking the different groups of people is anti-Israeli feeling. And if there had been any sympathy for Israel, tucked away in some community, the conflict, the incessant bombing of a Lebanon trying to rebuild itself, the images of crying children and the descriptions of the stench of the dead under the rubble have erased it all.
My excuse to drink:
Btw, on our second night in Amman, Le Meridien was all booked (UAE football team) up and we had to move to the infamous Radisson SAS hotel! I was kindly informed by my friend at the UN who works on risk analysis that in most parts of the world bombings do not occur again at the same place, EXCEPT in the Middle East, which strangely sees a pattern of repeat attacks. How lovely – this explains H and going out that night and getting blotto and me smoking 3 cigarettes.
I know when I leave I’m going to miss all of this- the highly political work, the stress, the constant demands to be tuned in and “on” – both mentally and physically. But, at the same time I can’t help but think one can only live this way for the long-term if you accept smoking, drinking and singledom as your mantra. Basically, to survive and succeed you have to marry the job (and the org!) and fully invest your soul in the political intricacies If this had taken place 10 years ago I may have been ready to do so, but now in my 30s, I am aware of the emptiness of committing one’s self to one’s work alone. You can’t have everything in life at one go, but if you are lucky, I think you can just enjoy all the phases, and I’m ready for another phase.
Parallels to Punjabis and living life to the full:
Now, let me just say this about the Mashreq (Jordan, Syria, Lebanon etc) – the people live their life to the fullest. It’s an interesting mix between being European to some degree, and still maintaining Asian roots. The same penny-pinching you see in the South of India is missing – in fact, the closest I can place the Mashreq to is the Punjab and Punjabis, but with a stronger western twist added in. For all those India lovers, I really don’t need to say any more. The women in all three cities (Amman, Damascus and Beirut) were gorgeous and dressed very well and showed a lot of skin (and did so openly – not something you necessarily see in Northern India). But I would say that modernisation and a western outlook is still only a veneer throughout the region. For example, you may think you are in a western town but then you go into some bars (at five star hotels) and they are full of men – the only women being a handful of Russians working the joint. In the same vein, groups of young, good-looking, well-dressed people wander the streets, parading themselves and enjoying the warm nights – but most of the groups are single-sex. One day I wore a skirt in Amman and regardless of my modest shirt etc., the skirt received a lot of attention. Very strange, when women in tinsy little tank tops were surrounding me- but they were local and of course not to be touched! I heard a lot of stories from the expatriate women in the region that they were often approached by men in the street or by taxi drivers etc for sex etc. This reminds me of my experience with Pakistani cab drivers in NYC – in the end it just seemed safer to walk home at midnight than catch a cab!
Of course in comparison to Europe, there is something very sexy and vibrant about the Middle East – more so than India in some ways. The night life in Damascus carried on to the early hours, with restaurants full to the brim, people out picnicking in parks, and having fund. In Amman, the streets were a little emptier, partly as it is a spread out city in comparison to Damascus and very new in its infrastructure. But, the restaurants were all bustling. And then there’s Beirut, which I think must never sleep – even as bombs fall. One expatriate said that he loved the Jordanians partying and then came to Beirut and realised what real partying is about!
Border Management Issues:
From a professional point of view, I was shocked at border security. I can’t really cross a border any more without rating its security systems and use of biometrics, checking of identification documents etc. And while Lebanon and Jordan were the better (and the Lebanese strive to be very strict and cautious of their borders), all three countries have some serious issues in terms of docu-checking, visa fraud etc. Syria is of course totally porous – the desert really seems immense and all the crossings are wrought with dust and crowds clambering to be let in or out. At one border, all the Syrians push to put their ID cards forward, papers jumbled and falling all around. Then a guard, using a loudspeaker, calls out the names: “Mohammad Qadr”, “Rafiq Ali” etc etc. Of course there is no way to ascertain in this made melee that Mohammad Qadr is in fact the same Mohammad in the banged up ID card handed in. On our drive out of Amman to Damascus, we passed the road to Baghdad. In seven hours we could have been in that city. I can’t go into too much detail, but let’s just say that at one crossing into Syria, we basically paid one of the guards for our visas (hard currency is the magic word). By the time we left Beirut, we’d spent so much time on the Lebanese-Syrian border, that the guards all knew me, and greeted H and I very heartily as we wheeled our cases along the non-man’s land bridge.
Call to Prayer:
The other interesting thing for me was to hear the call to prayer again. It really evoked a lot of old feelings and images from Bahrain. In Damascus, where the call was more prominent and even though I’m not Muslim, nor am I very religious any longer, I understand the power of the call – it reminds you of God and of your duty. The Middle East and the Mashreq can always be romanticised, and in fact, is done so too easily by Europeans, with the result that the dangerous side of the region is hidden or overlooked. I think it is only through living in the region that one gets to see the darker side, including the absolute acceptance of slavery – of women, foreign domestic workers, anyone who threatens the system etc. And what is really the hardest thing to overcome is the bond between the boys – here we see the true meaning of the boys club. A foreign male may be included but no women are ever let in. I think this is one reason why so many of our more Emergency-Field colleagues love staying in the region and not having to deal with women (in the West or in the Arab world).
A region of conflict and contradictions:
Basically, the region seemed rife with contradictions. How can we (the Europeans, the US) plan a “road map” or provide answers when we ourselves are such outsiders and only see the superficial picture? On talking to a number of Jordanian Christians, there seemed to be a great distrust of the Shia Muslims, but toleration of the Sunni. The Christians themselves are divided into sects – drums, Syrians etc., and for the most part get along and intermarry but the communities are not always on such peaceful terms. In addition, entering Beirut, a majority of the returning cars carried Hezbollah flags and where once the rough understanding was Muslim Lebanese for Hezbollah, Christian Lebanese anti-Syrian, the recent conflict has muddied these distinctions. In Syria, a land I always attached to Islam and fundamentalism, the Christian community is alive and well placed, with the Christian old city full of commerce. The only thing seemingly linking the different groups of people is anti-Israeli feeling. And if there had been any sympathy for Israel, tucked away in some community, the conflict, the incessant bombing of a Lebanon trying to rebuild itself, the images of crying children and the descriptions of the stench of the dead under the rubble have erased it all.
My excuse to drink:
Btw, on our second night in Amman, Le Meridien was all booked (UAE football team) up and we had to move to the infamous Radisson SAS hotel! I was kindly informed by my friend at the UN who works on risk analysis that in most parts of the world bombings do not occur again at the same place, EXCEPT in the Middle East, which strangely sees a pattern of repeat attacks. How lovely – this explains H and going out that night and getting blotto and me smoking 3 cigarettes.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Damascus, Beirut and Amman - posting #1
I got back on Friday from a duty travel (work trip) to Damascus, Beirut and Amman. It was a week of intense images, really tight schedules, a lot of stress and some fabulous connections with people and places. I fell in love with Damascus - the same way I fell in love with Istanbul all those years ago. I haven't felt like this for a city in 15 years. It was like spiritually coming home and my body tingled everytime we entered the city. I really liked Amman, and Beirut is of course superb, even in post-conflict situations. But, neither clicked with me the same way as Damascus did.
The work was amazing - we travelled the whole region, preparing our report and seeing every aspect of this huge project. It was all very political (with regard to the project, the in-house rivalries, and the larger world political context) and tired me out emotionally and physically. In many ways, I'm mentally stuck in the region. I woke up today wondering how they are doing in Beirut, Miss S has left, how is V? What is Mo-mo doing now etc etc. On one hand I was regaled with stories of cruelty towards the domestic workers who we are helping evacuate Beirut (over for now), and on the other hand I was amazed by the generosity and kindness of all the people in the region - from the rich to the poor.
The food was amazing though I didn't touch a single arab sweet sadly! But, I got seriously hooked on the shisha/hookah/nargeela/hubbly bubbly. My favourite flavour is Rose. I didn't get to do any shopping and one consequence of that is my surroundings were full of men (spending time at work, border crossings, the bar and cafes) and less interaction with women from the region and chances to chat to them. I did chat to a lot of people though and met one or two non-work related people who I will keep in touch with.
I travelled with H from work - friend and work mate. It was up and down and I'm happy we are close enough so we could fight with ease. I couldn't have done the trip without him - he was great though pushy. I'm not a field person though I like emergency work. But, I'm more about long-term strategy and outcomes. Emergency work is for the now, the present, and is without very much context and all about operations and just getting the job done quickly and well. I did find the pace quite a surprise --- you have to be young to keep doing it. I heard a few stories of serious illnesses after emergency stints.
Are all emergency situations full of unspoken tension? It seems like that? Is that because there are fewer women (hence sexual tension) or because the intensity of what you are doing heightens all situations? Or because you work, eat, sleep and depend on these people 24/7? Any way, per my past experience with the Afghanistan crew, everyone is more open to life and people are far less bitchy or stuck up. The emergency lot are really down to earth and the good ones are thinkers as well.
Having said the above, I would be fine with the boy going on emergency work and to post-concflict zones. I may or may not join him, but I would be fine with him going - I know deep down this is his stuff, if not totally mine. I think Alex's situation in S is the best. He's there doing what he loves, but with his wife and kid.
So much to say and to process...hope to get some photos from H of the trip and will post them here.
It is good to be home but I feel disconnected. Also, this isn't totally home and so I'm really in between places - one foot out and one foot in. Could I get to work in Damascus, I wonder? How could I wangle this? I would have to learn Arabic and focus on the region in some way.
One totally positive result of this trip is I now (thanks to the Syrian's propensity for large and colourful visas) have ONLY 3 full pages left in my passport. If I play my cards well (travel a lot soon!) I can get a new pssport soon (in less than one year really) and have a NEW PHOTO taken. Ha ha, no more, mexican maid murder suspect!
The work was amazing - we travelled the whole region, preparing our report and seeing every aspect of this huge project. It was all very political (with regard to the project, the in-house rivalries, and the larger world political context) and tired me out emotionally and physically. In many ways, I'm mentally stuck in the region. I woke up today wondering how they are doing in Beirut, Miss S has left, how is V? What is Mo-mo doing now etc etc. On one hand I was regaled with stories of cruelty towards the domestic workers who we are helping evacuate Beirut (over for now), and on the other hand I was amazed by the generosity and kindness of all the people in the region - from the rich to the poor.
The food was amazing though I didn't touch a single arab sweet sadly! But, I got seriously hooked on the shisha/hookah/nargeela/hubbly bubbly. My favourite flavour is Rose. I didn't get to do any shopping and one consequence of that is my surroundings were full of men (spending time at work, border crossings, the bar and cafes) and less interaction with women from the region and chances to chat to them. I did chat to a lot of people though and met one or two non-work related people who I will keep in touch with.
I travelled with H from work - friend and work mate. It was up and down and I'm happy we are close enough so we could fight with ease. I couldn't have done the trip without him - he was great though pushy. I'm not a field person though I like emergency work. But, I'm more about long-term strategy and outcomes. Emergency work is for the now, the present, and is without very much context and all about operations and just getting the job done quickly and well. I did find the pace quite a surprise --- you have to be young to keep doing it. I heard a few stories of serious illnesses after emergency stints.
Are all emergency situations full of unspoken tension? It seems like that? Is that because there are fewer women (hence sexual tension) or because the intensity of what you are doing heightens all situations? Or because you work, eat, sleep and depend on these people 24/7? Any way, per my past experience with the Afghanistan crew, everyone is more open to life and people are far less bitchy or stuck up. The emergency lot are really down to earth and the good ones are thinkers as well.
Having said the above, I would be fine with the boy going on emergency work and to post-concflict zones. I may or may not join him, but I would be fine with him going - I know deep down this is his stuff, if not totally mine. I think Alex's situation in S is the best. He's there doing what he loves, but with his wife and kid.
So much to say and to process...hope to get some photos from H of the trip and will post them here.
It is good to be home but I feel disconnected. Also, this isn't totally home and so I'm really in between places - one foot out and one foot in. Could I get to work in Damascus, I wonder? How could I wangle this? I would have to learn Arabic and focus on the region in some way.
One totally positive result of this trip is I now (thanks to the Syrian's propensity for large and colourful visas) have ONLY 3 full pages left in my passport. If I play my cards well (travel a lot soon!) I can get a new pssport soon (in less than one year really) and have a NEW PHOTO taken. Ha ha, no more, mexican maid murder suspect!
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Back to work
I just returned from an amazing, e-mail free, two weeks away, with the Boy, in NYC, Princeton and then Maui. So much to write!! It was a truly glorious and much needed break. I don't even realise that I'm burning out until I get away and feel free. Though dreams of work dogged my whole sleep time -- partly because I felt out of contorl since I didn't compulsively check (work) email.
More later... am about to pass out with exhaustion as I went straight into work and tackled some heavy stuff before dragging my ass out around 7 pm. The Italy -German match cleared out the office earlier. Tomorrow Portugal play France. I predict a German-French play-off. woo hoo.
How great is love and friendship? I felt very blessed the whole trip and have my parents to thank for everything. They are just the best!
More later... am about to pass out with exhaustion as I went straight into work and tackled some heavy stuff before dragging my ass out around 7 pm. The Italy -German match cleared out the office earlier. Tomorrow Portugal play France. I predict a German-French play-off. woo hoo.
How great is love and friendship? I felt very blessed the whole trip and have my parents to thank for everything. They are just the best!
Monday, June 12, 2006
weddings, weight, and watching LOST
I'm getting really excited about the wedding. I mean really excited! This morning the boy and I realised we hadn't booked our own air tickets, though we've been busy advising others to do so quickly!
My wedding is in India - in two locations - one in a city I don't know well but is full of mystery and that I loved instantly on visiting it once, years ago. The boy's family comes from further south, but they live there now. It is a city full of contradictions - old and modern (the new tech haven), Muslim king and population in a Hindu, dravidian state. The other area/location is at the beach on the West Coat of India - a very Catholic area that I originate from and love, though I've never lived there. As the boy says, they are both places we have fond memories of and that we long to share with others.
It is completely thanks to our mums and our aunts (and our dads) that all this can even take place. I hope I can do half as much for my kids at some point. I want to provide a good time to my guests and for people to go back with happy memories. I also have to lose weight - I need to lose a few inches of my hips for sure. I've never been a dieter and an ok exerciser, but now I'm serious. I have 6 months and I'd feel more confident but since February (4 months ago), I haven't seen that much change. I have to try harder and be more committed.
I cut my hair recently so it would be healthy and long in time for the wedding. How crazy, but I'm all in to it now and I try my best not to talk about it unless someone asks and then speak just a bit about it. And they ask. A traditional Indian wedding is always a curiousity. I also want to concentrate on marriage vs the wedding. It is no poing having a big affair and then we don't put in effort to really make this union work.
The boy and I have been together for six years and I love him a lot though he is a bloody pain in the arse (now and then). I have faith in our togetherness because we get along. I also worry about certain issues and general lazyness setting in on both our parts. It seems daunting all of a sudden, but it will be good in the end. I just have to believe in it.
I'd kill for a bandara salad right now (from Vancouver's Cactus Club). But no such luck. Here is the menu link: http://cactusclubcafe.com/ccmenu.htm
My favourite (and actually the only one I could bother going to) is at Broadway and Ash. I had some funny and very drunken moments there.
One thing I do miss here is a good salad - either the greens are just plain or they mayo everything. Though the prawn and avocado salad at Touch and Go (St. Boniface) is pretty good to.
Ok, now I'm talking about food instead of eating it - I think this is a classic case of someone I don't want to be.
I'm off to bed - actually I lie - I'm logging off to watch an episode (or two) of LOST on DVD.
My wedding is in India - in two locations - one in a city I don't know well but is full of mystery and that I loved instantly on visiting it once, years ago. The boy's family comes from further south, but they live there now. It is a city full of contradictions - old and modern (the new tech haven), Muslim king and population in a Hindu, dravidian state. The other area/location is at the beach on the West Coat of India - a very Catholic area that I originate from and love, though I've never lived there. As the boy says, they are both places we have fond memories of and that we long to share with others.
It is completely thanks to our mums and our aunts (and our dads) that all this can even take place. I hope I can do half as much for my kids at some point. I want to provide a good time to my guests and for people to go back with happy memories. I also have to lose weight - I need to lose a few inches of my hips for sure. I've never been a dieter and an ok exerciser, but now I'm serious. I have 6 months and I'd feel more confident but since February (4 months ago), I haven't seen that much change. I have to try harder and be more committed.
I cut my hair recently so it would be healthy and long in time for the wedding. How crazy, but I'm all in to it now and I try my best not to talk about it unless someone asks and then speak just a bit about it. And they ask. A traditional Indian wedding is always a curiousity. I also want to concentrate on marriage vs the wedding. It is no poing having a big affair and then we don't put in effort to really make this union work.
The boy and I have been together for six years and I love him a lot though he is a bloody pain in the arse (now and then). I have faith in our togetherness because we get along. I also worry about certain issues and general lazyness setting in on both our parts. It seems daunting all of a sudden, but it will be good in the end. I just have to believe in it.
I'd kill for a bandara salad right now (from Vancouver's Cactus Club). But no such luck. Here is the menu link: http://cactusclubcafe.com/ccmenu.htm
My favourite (and actually the only one I could bother going to) is at Broadway and Ash. I had some funny and very drunken moments there.
One thing I do miss here is a good salad - either the greens are just plain or they mayo everything. Though the prawn and avocado salad at Touch and Go (St. Boniface) is pretty good to.
Ok, now I'm talking about food instead of eating it - I think this is a classic case of someone I don't want to be.
I'm off to bed - actually I lie - I'm logging off to watch an episode (or two) of LOST on DVD.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Pick and Mix: Picnics, othering/ colonialism, changes and the WORLD CUP
This is a 'pick and mix' entry - the name is a shout out to my brother and our joy at being allowed to go to the pick and mix candy section in Woolworths, in London!!! Do you remember?????
Well, the idea of actually moving to LA is becoming more and more "real" and actually exciting and positive. Astounding how attitude (acceptance on my part, public declaration of the move, practical steps etc) can change perspective to such an extent.
On another note, the weather was fabulous this weekend and I organised a picnic in the park (Parc Royal)to take advantage of a rare, Belgian sunny Sunday! It was lovely - we played badminton, ate yummy foods and drank chilled white and rose wine. It was also a bit odd at moments with some underlining bitchiness from one of my friends. I think I may have to call her on it -- her comments to me and to two other friends have increased in their ferociousness.
[edited edited edited]
Anyway, the picnic was lovely because of the general good mood of the others, the weather and the food. We had an interesting discussion on Belgian colonialism as the park, the whole downtown, the city in fact, are all products of the richness of the Congo. Reading King Leopold's Ghost has just highlighted and detailed some of the horrors of Belgian colonialism. My general understanding of Belgian colonialism, was that while it was indeed brutal, it was a complicated love affair and that the paternalism (and meddling) of the past continues today but in a more positive manner and through development aid (and this is said in contrast to the Brits washing their hands of us 'hindus' and moving out as quickly as possible once they'd carved up the sub-continent). But, the actual level of brutality and interference by the Belgians in the Congo is astounding - the practice of chopping of hands, that we see done today by the crazy rebels - was introduced by the Belgian landlords.
Actually, even today, educated Belgians speak of the Congolese as if they are wild children. This easy "othering" by Euros is something I will never get used to and which really makes my skin crawl. At a dinner the other night, someone at the table started speaking about their trip to the South of Italy in such a manner that it really reminded me of Mann's exoticisation of the Italians in "Death in Venice". I'm am full of generalisations - don't get me wrong - I understand the need to generalise and I don't mind the funny stories on culture, but I don't like the stereotyping whereby we paint a group as "less than civilised" or "savage" - whether this is in reference to their work habits (lazy), their sexual appetites and rates of reproduction (like rabbits) or their level of cleanliness/living standards (crowded, no taste, smelly etc). The best quote was this person saying "the town square [in a part of Sicily] was decorated so kitschy and tastelessly, just like India, though I've never been to India". Oh, I see...hah, and this of course coming from a person who loves to travel to 'exotic locations' and shop till she drops - somehow this 'uncivilised' aspect - low prices and haggling with vendors - is totally tolerable!
On another, another note - I made my long term, mid term and short term goals' list last week. And I feel more at peace! This is also the summer of movement and changes and so it seems right that I am also in a process of flux:
1. Weddings: half my world will be married by September 2007 with a crazy rush around this September! oh vey - it is an epidemic!
2. Babies - people are suddenly popping them out!
3. Moving away from Brussels: 2 Quebecois and 2 Brits - heading home of their very own accord. I'll miss this departing lot a lot - two of them are my closest buddies in Brussels and my Quebecois pal, like a sister!!!
4. New loves and new jobs: the singles are all hooking up in earnest and then finding that they have job offers they can't refuse all the way across the world. The universe loves to play such games!
Last note: The WORLD CUP is on - the bars are full of boys (and some girls) with eyes on the tv screen - their shouts of glee or despair can be heard every evening. The excitement builds, tomorrow is Italy vs Ghana and my Italian pals are all going to watch at Place Luxembourg. I'll probably tag along though I tend to support the underdog, in this case Ghana. Reminds me of my very first boyfriend...sigh...Kofi!
I hope we see an unexpected winner this year and a revolution on the playing field - maybe a new Pele - we need a little hope. I'm going to try and post an interesting article by Kofin Annan (not my old bf!) on the the global aspects of the World Cup and its resemblence to the UN etc.
Well, the idea of actually moving to LA is becoming more and more "real" and actually exciting and positive. Astounding how attitude (acceptance on my part, public declaration of the move, practical steps etc) can change perspective to such an extent.
On another note, the weather was fabulous this weekend and I organised a picnic in the park (Parc Royal)to take advantage of a rare, Belgian sunny Sunday! It was lovely - we played badminton, ate yummy foods and drank chilled white and rose wine. It was also a bit odd at moments with some underlining bitchiness from one of my friends. I think I may have to call her on it -- her comments to me and to two other friends have increased in their ferociousness.
[edited edited edited]
Anyway, the picnic was lovely because of the general good mood of the others, the weather and the food. We had an interesting discussion on Belgian colonialism as the park, the whole downtown, the city in fact, are all products of the richness of the Congo. Reading King Leopold's Ghost has just highlighted and detailed some of the horrors of Belgian colonialism. My general understanding of Belgian colonialism, was that while it was indeed brutal, it was a complicated love affair and that the paternalism (and meddling) of the past continues today but in a more positive manner and through development aid (and this is said in contrast to the Brits washing their hands of us 'hindus' and moving out as quickly as possible once they'd carved up the sub-continent). But, the actual level of brutality and interference by the Belgians in the Congo is astounding - the practice of chopping of hands, that we see done today by the crazy rebels - was introduced by the Belgian landlords.
Actually, even today, educated Belgians speak of the Congolese as if they are wild children. This easy "othering" by Euros is something I will never get used to and which really makes my skin crawl. At a dinner the other night, someone at the table started speaking about their trip to the South of Italy in such a manner that it really reminded me of Mann's exoticisation of the Italians in "Death in Venice". I'm am full of generalisations - don't get me wrong - I understand the need to generalise and I don't mind the funny stories on culture, but I don't like the stereotyping whereby we paint a group as "less than civilised" or "savage" - whether this is in reference to their work habits (lazy), their sexual appetites and rates of reproduction (like rabbits) or their level of cleanliness/living standards (crowded, no taste, smelly etc). The best quote was this person saying "the town square [in a part of Sicily] was decorated so kitschy and tastelessly, just like India, though I've never been to India". Oh, I see...hah, and this of course coming from a person who loves to travel to 'exotic locations' and shop till she drops - somehow this 'uncivilised' aspect - low prices and haggling with vendors - is totally tolerable!
On another, another note - I made my long term, mid term and short term goals' list last week. And I feel more at peace! This is also the summer of movement and changes and so it seems right that I am also in a process of flux:
1. Weddings: half my world will be married by September 2007 with a crazy rush around this September! oh vey - it is an epidemic!
2. Babies - people are suddenly popping them out!
3. Moving away from Brussels: 2 Quebecois and 2 Brits - heading home of their very own accord. I'll miss this departing lot a lot - two of them are my closest buddies in Brussels and my Quebecois pal, like a sister!!!
4. New loves and new jobs: the singles are all hooking up in earnest and then finding that they have job offers they can't refuse all the way across the world. The universe loves to play such games!
Last note: The WORLD CUP is on - the bars are full of boys (and some girls) with eyes on the tv screen - their shouts of glee or despair can be heard every evening. The excitement builds, tomorrow is Italy vs Ghana and my Italian pals are all going to watch at Place Luxembourg. I'll probably tag along though I tend to support the underdog, in this case Ghana. Reminds me of my very first boyfriend...sigh...Kofi!
I hope we see an unexpected winner this year and a revolution on the playing field - maybe a new Pele - we need a little hope. I'm going to try and post an interesting article by Kofin Annan (not my old bf!) on the the global aspects of the World Cup and its resemblence to the UN etc.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Foul Mood - stay away from me!
Wow, I was in a truly foul mood today! As I just told the boy, haven't felt like this since 1986 (ha ha)! No really, I woke up after the long, lovely weekend, in time for work etc and initially feeling something - thought maybe a bit low, a little depression. But oh no, depression would have been welcome, instead I was just all out bitchy and snappy today. Silence reigned in my office, cos they only talk when I do, which is most of the time. I even snapped at S, my close work buddy and partner in crime! I'm shocked, I don't even know where this tempest came from and it hasn't really disappeared as yet. Talking with the boy helped, he made me laugh, though a couple of times I tried to start a fight (over his vs my friends), but he dodged the bullets and at one point, caught one in his teeth and spat it back at me. The worst part is, I can see my bitchyness and I'm horrified because the Euros can't deal with such stuff. They don't confront and they are a peaceful, non-attacking lot. I was like a rottweiller (sp) amongst the little lambs today!!! Ugh, I'm slowly starting to feel guilt. Honestly, it has to do with getting off the pill, stress (the bloody China visit tomorrow), and general hormone wonkyness (like last month's 2 week dippy period!) Then again at age 31 it is time to get some control!
Tomorrow, I'm going to have to make up some of the damage, at least to S, who is lovely! And what about my recent intense irritation and dislike of my ex-boss? What is up with that? I have to conquer this trait whereby if I lose respect for someone or they annoy me then it is all down hill from there and I just can't tolerate them anymore - EVEN if they still love me and support me. The problem here is actually that I'm getting away with being a bully because when I'm good, I'm really really good (and fun, and outgoing and as one of the senior staff says, "the mentor".)
And that is another thing, the young 'uns are always asking me for advice and I like to help and provide tangible steps forward, but I want some professional advice too! I also want some answers and maybe I should start the asking and listening process again.
Anyway, all I know is that I can't be like this regularly and I have to take such moods in hand. I know we are all allowed our bad spells, but I really dislike people who take it out on others and there I was today, doing the same. It isn't acceptable, not to co-workers, family, loved ones or friends. So, to the universe - I'm really really sorry! Please give me the strength to apologise tomorrow in many ways and make it up to people serenely!
Tomorrow, I'm going to have to make up some of the damage, at least to S, who is lovely! And what about my recent intense irritation and dislike of my ex-boss? What is up with that? I have to conquer this trait whereby if I lose respect for someone or they annoy me then it is all down hill from there and I just can't tolerate them anymore - EVEN if they still love me and support me. The problem here is actually that I'm getting away with being a bully because when I'm good, I'm really really good (and fun, and outgoing and as one of the senior staff says, "the mentor".)
And that is another thing, the young 'uns are always asking me for advice and I like to help and provide tangible steps forward, but I want some professional advice too! I also want some answers and maybe I should start the asking and listening process again.
Anyway, all I know is that I can't be like this regularly and I have to take such moods in hand. I know we are all allowed our bad spells, but I really dislike people who take it out on others and there I was today, doing the same. It isn't acceptable, not to co-workers, family, loved ones or friends. So, to the universe - I'm really really sorry! Please give me the strength to apologise tomorrow in many ways and make it up to people serenely!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Marriage - for one and for all
I should really mention the big events taking place in my life, namely, getting married to the boy and moving to LA. I guess I haven’t mentioned the marriage thing really because it seems a bit surreal. Also, this isn’t a blog about my upcoming wedding (though I’m addicted to East Side Girl, who is about to get married). I think the real reason I don’t mention marriage or my wedding is that I’ve never been the sort of girl who imagined herself getting married or walking down the aisle in white, or walking around a fire in red (which I will probably do in January!) What I did imagine, as a child and then teenager, was having a daughter, a lover who supported me but let me be myself, living in Europe, somewhere warmer and more colourful than Brussels, and writing. The boy fits my image of the guy I’d end up with – he was always brown in my mind’s eye and free wheeling – though somehow, he was more a market stall type than a PhD economist.
Anyway, my point is that I never sought marriage though I did seek partnership. But in the end, marriage has become of some importance and I need it for social and practical reasons. The world, more specifically some nation states, like the US, are not generous to the unmarried couples. I need marriage to live with the boy in the US – that simple, hence our civil knot tying in June in Hawaii. I also would like the social celebration of our love and the acceptance that we are really a couple (by his friends, family on both sides etc) and thus the wedding in India in January. What comes with marriage is that we get to sleep in the same bed wherever we are, his friends have to deal with us as a set, read grown-up, couple (no more sharing of beds with them etc), and we make a commitment to each other that whispered words as live-ins just don’t measure up to somehow. In the end, that public gesture and verbalization of our love and the "community's" celebration of it carries with it some secret magic.
In light of my own evolvement towards my own marriage (though I would never suggest that any couple needs marriage to be legit), and my general views on homosexuality, I find it appalling that in this day and age where sex is just another act, we cannot accept same-sex love enough to offer it the same community acceptance that we do to heterosexual love. I don’t ask of religions to accept gay couples, but the liberal-democratic state, should be blind to homosexuality and heterosexuality and look instead at humanity. For the same reasons that I need/want marriage, plenty of my gay friends do too – and most of them are in relationships many a hetero would love to be in! So, why sanction one set and condemn another? No one should have the monopoly on defining love and partnership and certainly not in terms of gender! Such state based morality is old fashioned and paternalistic to say the least - and - it is time to move on, as we did on banning inter-racial affairs. My own Canada, of which I am so proud of in this arena, is now to re-debate the question under this new, conservative government and I can only hope my fellow citizens have the energy to stand up again and tell the government to butt its nose out of what constitutes our "love".
This post says it all:
Blogging for LGBT Families at http://twouteruses.blogspot.com
Anyway, my point is that I never sought marriage though I did seek partnership. But in the end, marriage has become of some importance and I need it for social and practical reasons. The world, more specifically some nation states, like the US, are not generous to the unmarried couples. I need marriage to live with the boy in the US – that simple, hence our civil knot tying in June in Hawaii. I also would like the social celebration of our love and the acceptance that we are really a couple (by his friends, family on both sides etc) and thus the wedding in India in January. What comes with marriage is that we get to sleep in the same bed wherever we are, his friends have to deal with us as a set, read grown-up, couple (no more sharing of beds with them etc), and we make a commitment to each other that whispered words as live-ins just don’t measure up to somehow. In the end, that public gesture and verbalization of our love and the "community's" celebration of it carries with it some secret magic.
In light of my own evolvement towards my own marriage (though I would never suggest that any couple needs marriage to be legit), and my general views on homosexuality, I find it appalling that in this day and age where sex is just another act, we cannot accept same-sex love enough to offer it the same community acceptance that we do to heterosexual love. I don’t ask of religions to accept gay couples, but the liberal-democratic state, should be blind to homosexuality and heterosexuality and look instead at humanity. For the same reasons that I need/want marriage, plenty of my gay friends do too – and most of them are in relationships many a hetero would love to be in! So, why sanction one set and condemn another? No one should have the monopoly on defining love and partnership and certainly not in terms of gender! Such state based morality is old fashioned and paternalistic to say the least - and - it is time to move on, as we did on banning inter-racial affairs. My own Canada, of which I am so proud of in this arena, is now to re-debate the question under this new, conservative government and I can only hope my fellow citizens have the energy to stand up again and tell the government to butt its nose out of what constitutes our "love".
This post says it all:
Blogging for LGBT Families at http://twouteruses.blogspot.com
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Brain Drain and Brain Waste
One of my main issues with Europe is its point of view on migration, in particular high skilled migration and migrants. The Commission is currently pushing for an EU-wide/EU level migration policy, which while far off for the moment, is like the Directives on Environment etc., inevitable. On the other hand, individual member states are trying to (re)carve out migration policies - for some this is new territory as they have rarely had any set "policy" on migration apart from traditional liberal democracy family reunification style migration. The main member state in the news right now is France, with a new immigration bill - requesting longer processing times for family reunification while supporting a highly skilled TEMPORARY migration programme.
In reaction to the US and Canada (according to Sarkozy), the French have decided they too have to attract "talent", especially as they view talent to be less troublesome than their current 'low-skilled' and 'badly educated' migrants (of course, a number of these so-called migrants are in fact 2nd generation French citizens). I'd like to point out here that most of the migrants have been quite successful and the poverty witnessed in certain areas is experienced by both white and non-white. Unemployment is harder on the young visible minority male because mainly of his colour or culture and less because of his lack of education. Studies have shown in France a male with a Muslim name stands little chance of getting a good job.
Granted though, there is a vast difference between migrants from the same regions (North Africa, Asia) who move to the US, Canada and Australia than to France or Germany. And unfortunately, there are links between the ease of cultural integration/assimilation into 'western society' and levels of education. Partly, because elites from developing countries have always prided themselves on their “Westerness”, even if it is only the veneer of sophistication. And of course, education usually also provides the migrant with important language tools, marketable skills and a sense of confidence. But a society that cannot lift its second-generation 'migrants', regardless of who their parents were, must bear responsibility for failing to encourage cultural unity and sustainable integration.
Anyway, now the French want the creme de la creme of the developing world - except not forever. Now, the elite are to pick France over citizenship in the US and Canada, for a measly three year visa!! A very similar "green card" system failed miserably in Germany because it did not offer long-term residency (let alone citizenship) and in the end, the very type of migrant they were trying to lure, had many other (better) options to pick from. High tech workers have changed the image of the migrant and the rules of the game. Now, maybe for the first time ever, the migrant is a rational action with his own agency!
But somehow the French think things will be different for them. Of course, this ties in with the very Continental concept of brain drain. The French feel they are doing the right thing by forcing educated migrants to go home, so as not to rob Africa, India etc of their brains. As someone said today, well we have brains in surplus so don't worry about us. The very notion of brain drain angers me, not least because it is extremely paternalistic and somewhat hypocritical. I think the Europeans fear competition and so they really buy into the notion that by taking doctors from Africa and Asia, they are harming those countries. But what about the doctors who do stay in their countries of origin/developing world? There are no hospitals, no medicines etc. Why should any human with potential waste away? How are these people going to help their nation? And in fact, what does seem to happen with educated diasporas, is that they return, even 10, 20, 30 years later to help out in their country of origin through sharing of skills, investments and knowledge.
In the case of India, please - there is no need to worry about us. We have plenty of bright young ones, just waiting in the wings to take peoples' places. And if the West is so concerned about keeping the brains at home (in the country of origin), then help set up decent hospitals and provide necessary clinic facilities and equipment etc instead of sending us land mines and guns! Or as the BJP would say (not that I’m a fan of theirs), “micro-chips not potato chips!”
What will happen to Europe when they really start to let in highly qualified migrants and truly court the ‘talent’? I think a shift in perception and realities will take place - basically encouraging competition. No longer will the migrant be totally pitied or discriminated against and it will be very hard for the Europeans to then deal with their sense of superiority in the face of true competition. It will of course also change their societies, with people becoming much pushier and more ambitions. Get a few Indians in here an already things are being shaken up (I refer to the stiff competition the Belgian diamond cutters are now facing in Antwerp against the Chinese and Indian diamond cutters who are cheaper, better and faster and work much longer hours). On a side note, we’ll probably see more stores open on Sundays in Belgium and maybe longer store hours during the week to cater for what is actually ‘normal’ – people who don’t leave work at 5.30pm!
In my mind all this ties in with a global political shift of a growing rift between North and South at the same time as the South is gaining an economic and political voice. Brazil, China and India are redefining power politics, from trade and the WTO to Security Council seats at the UN. And capitalism in the end favours competition and new markets. The very beast of colonialism will reshape a new world order in some manner. Already at the WTO, developing nations are calling for a link between investment and trade and migration policies of the EU (in particular, visa facilitation for business and education).
With increasing globalization and shared markets, in the end, the EU and EU member states will have to change their migration policies and offer visas and residence cards to the developing world. And when there is a truly free flow of capital, persons and brains, only then will we see actual benefits and possibly even a more humanitarian spirit borne of shared experiences through a genuine eradication of the nation state.
Of course, none of the above unfortunately deals with the other side of the developing world, namely, West Africa and what is happening on the coast off Spain and Italy. Illegal or irregular or undocumented migration, whatever you want to call it, is a huge issue – mainly because it touches on a raw nerve and less because of actual figures. Anyway, that’s a posting for another day…
In reaction to the US and Canada (according to Sarkozy), the French have decided they too have to attract "talent", especially as they view talent to be less troublesome than their current 'low-skilled' and 'badly educated' migrants (of course, a number of these so-called migrants are in fact 2nd generation French citizens). I'd like to point out here that most of the migrants have been quite successful and the poverty witnessed in certain areas is experienced by both white and non-white. Unemployment is harder on the young visible minority male because mainly of his colour or culture and less because of his lack of education. Studies have shown in France a male with a Muslim name stands little chance of getting a good job.
Granted though, there is a vast difference between migrants from the same regions (North Africa, Asia) who move to the US, Canada and Australia than to France or Germany. And unfortunately, there are links between the ease of cultural integration/assimilation into 'western society' and levels of education. Partly, because elites from developing countries have always prided themselves on their “Westerness”, even if it is only the veneer of sophistication. And of course, education usually also provides the migrant with important language tools, marketable skills and a sense of confidence. But a society that cannot lift its second-generation 'migrants', regardless of who their parents were, must bear responsibility for failing to encourage cultural unity and sustainable integration.
Anyway, now the French want the creme de la creme of the developing world - except not forever. Now, the elite are to pick France over citizenship in the US and Canada, for a measly three year visa!! A very similar "green card" system failed miserably in Germany because it did not offer long-term residency (let alone citizenship) and in the end, the very type of migrant they were trying to lure, had many other (better) options to pick from. High tech workers have changed the image of the migrant and the rules of the game. Now, maybe for the first time ever, the migrant is a rational action with his own agency!
But somehow the French think things will be different for them. Of course, this ties in with the very Continental concept of brain drain. The French feel they are doing the right thing by forcing educated migrants to go home, so as not to rob Africa, India etc of their brains. As someone said today, well we have brains in surplus so don't worry about us. The very notion of brain drain angers me, not least because it is extremely paternalistic and somewhat hypocritical. I think the Europeans fear competition and so they really buy into the notion that by taking doctors from Africa and Asia, they are harming those countries. But what about the doctors who do stay in their countries of origin/developing world? There are no hospitals, no medicines etc. Why should any human with potential waste away? How are these people going to help their nation? And in fact, what does seem to happen with educated diasporas, is that they return, even 10, 20, 30 years later to help out in their country of origin through sharing of skills, investments and knowledge.
In the case of India, please - there is no need to worry about us. We have plenty of bright young ones, just waiting in the wings to take peoples' places. And if the West is so concerned about keeping the brains at home (in the country of origin), then help set up decent hospitals and provide necessary clinic facilities and equipment etc instead of sending us land mines and guns! Or as the BJP would say (not that I’m a fan of theirs), “micro-chips not potato chips!”
What will happen to Europe when they really start to let in highly qualified migrants and truly court the ‘talent’? I think a shift in perception and realities will take place - basically encouraging competition. No longer will the migrant be totally pitied or discriminated against and it will be very hard for the Europeans to then deal with their sense of superiority in the face of true competition. It will of course also change their societies, with people becoming much pushier and more ambitions. Get a few Indians in here an already things are being shaken up (I refer to the stiff competition the Belgian diamond cutters are now facing in Antwerp against the Chinese and Indian diamond cutters who are cheaper, better and faster and work much longer hours). On a side note, we’ll probably see more stores open on Sundays in Belgium and maybe longer store hours during the week to cater for what is actually ‘normal’ – people who don’t leave work at 5.30pm!
In my mind all this ties in with a global political shift of a growing rift between North and South at the same time as the South is gaining an economic and political voice. Brazil, China and India are redefining power politics, from trade and the WTO to Security Council seats at the UN. And capitalism in the end favours competition and new markets. The very beast of colonialism will reshape a new world order in some manner. Already at the WTO, developing nations are calling for a link between investment and trade and migration policies of the EU (in particular, visa facilitation for business and education).
With increasing globalization and shared markets, in the end, the EU and EU member states will have to change their migration policies and offer visas and residence cards to the developing world. And when there is a truly free flow of capital, persons and brains, only then will we see actual benefits and possibly even a more humanitarian spirit borne of shared experiences through a genuine eradication of the nation state.
Of course, none of the above unfortunately deals with the other side of the developing world, namely, West Africa and what is happening on the coast off Spain and Italy. Illegal or irregular or undocumented migration, whatever you want to call it, is a huge issue – mainly because it touches on a raw nerve and less because of actual figures. Anyway, that’s a posting for another day…
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Receptions galore
So, a large part of my work life involves "liaising" with various organisations (the European Commission, the Parliament, EU Member State representatives, other IGOs etc). One part I do like about liaising is learning how to read situations and react quickly, to questions, to the unspoken tensions in a room, to the vibe. I think I'm getting better but maybe I'm also getting more confident about myself and my instinct and that helps. The part I thought I'd like a lot and actually realise is a bit of a drain is attending cocktail parties. I've attended two this week and now I'm all cocktailed out! If you'd asked me a year ago what I would want from a job, I'd have said, 'cocktail parties and travel for work'. I have plenty of the former and some of the latter and what I have had has also exhausted me (though both trips have been energising and enriching as well).
Basically, this makes me pause to think, what is it that I really love about my work and what is it that I would want from a future job? Continuous learning is a must, so are challenges but also rewards. I'd like more money and maybe quicker promotions. But are these last two like my desire for cocktails and travel? When I have them, will I want something else? Hmmm...
As I end, because it is late and tomorrow is a busy day, I have to add the start of a new thread - as a lure to my reader(s) and as a reminder to myself (I'm old and the second thing to go is memory - the first being my bloody eye sight!):
Do I and my generation have too many choices? Are we so over stimulated that we are spoilt and in fact, can't even make simple decisions anymore because every decision provides us with multiple options? And, do we actually crave simpler lives? Sorry, nothing too stellar in terms of "new" thoughts- a number of articles have been written on this subject already, but it bears exploring.
Basically, this makes me pause to think, what is it that I really love about my work and what is it that I would want from a future job? Continuous learning is a must, so are challenges but also rewards. I'd like more money and maybe quicker promotions. But are these last two like my desire for cocktails and travel? When I have them, will I want something else? Hmmm...
As I end, because it is late and tomorrow is a busy day, I have to add the start of a new thread - as a lure to my reader(s) and as a reminder to myself (I'm old and the second thing to go is memory - the first being my bloody eye sight!):
Do I and my generation have too many choices? Are we so over stimulated that we are spoilt and in fact, can't even make simple decisions anymore because every decision provides us with multiple options? And, do we actually crave simpler lives? Sorry, nothing too stellar in terms of "new" thoughts- a number of articles have been written on this subject already, but it bears exploring.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Coming down the mountain
My parents left this morning to return to Atlanta. Their visit, as expected, was just wonderful. The apartment was ours, we ate, drank, chatted, took it easy and also went out a lot! We walked all over the city and they really got a good glimpse of what my life is like right now. I had a super time. What was less expected, in fact, what was actually quite a surprise, was how much I missed them when they left. On my way to work this morning, I saw the last of the Easter mums (parents visiting kids in Brussels), hand in hand with her daughter on her way to the Euro Parliament, possibly where her daughter works, and their coziness had me in tears! I miss both the 'Rents terribly.
Of course this made me realise what my friend E (one of the girls) is always saying, basically that we are all here in Brussels just for work, which can only sustain us for so long. The fact is, I've been on a work high, and that has pushed me along feeling good versus low, for longer than normal. Work was absolutely lousy yesterday with PVB on vacation, shouting down the phone line on numerous issues, of which very few had to do with me or anything I'd done! He was awful and I was stressed. I had to bail on Strasbourg because the 'Rents were coming back into town and no one was here to open the door for them. I came home a shell and it felt so good to have them console me and pep me up.
The combination of a bad day at work (my sole reason for being here), their departure and my missing of the boy, just reinforced my feelings that however much I love it here, its time to come down the mountain. In the end, I need more to keep me going than just a good job. Maybe a few years ago, such a job and such a place, where I could go out and drink and party, would have been enough (actually, I'm not sure about this as I had this in NY to some degree and still felt angst). But now, I do need more -- I need my family around, I need the boy, and I need a space of my own. I have nothing except work here. The friends I have are so amazing but they will always remain friends and they too will leave. The exodus has already begun!
Do you remember that song,"coming down the mountain, here she comes...coming down the mountain, here she comes... she'll be wearing pink pajamas, she'll be wearing pink pajamas, she'll be wearing pink pajamas as she comes." You could replace what 'she' would be wearing verse by verse, usually getting raunchier and raunchier, and that was the kicker of the song.
On another note, I've been reading some of my favourite blogs and realise that they are far more personal than my own. I am hiding behind a facade, not ready to really let myself go. On my friend L's blog she actually mentions her sex life and some personal subjects. I sort of skirt issues -- which is strange -- as someone who is usually open. I worry about offending or libel claims. I'm too cautious for a blog writer and so to keep this going I'll have to change - ie - time to spice things up.
The issue of readership must be raised once again. When is the right time to start pushing this blog out there? I'm not sure I can to be honest! I wanted a portfolio of work (as such) before really launching this site, but I would have to post more entries, post more carefully, and post with much more focus than I do currently. I'm going to pick a topic for my next entry and work within a more set framework.
Can I just add on a side note (its my blog so I don't really have to follow my own discipline diatribe), I'm so happy we may end up in la-la land. I know I will have to learn how to drive and will probably have to go the gym much more than I do now (though I've been good) and engage in some serious hair straightener shit, but I do like the weather and the ease of the left coast. Will we ever return to the right coast and can we live there after years out west? I just don't know actually...found out that one of the boy's sets of friends move back East soon ---I'll miss them and wish they were in LA when I moved. One thing though, is that NYC, should we have ended there, would be too full of people we already know, which while comfortable and warm, can also be somewhat stifling. I'd rather have some space for a new life.
Big news before I end: my brother and his lovely gf are engaged. They kneed and said yes and offered and accepted the diamond just before Easter and then whizzed off to Barcelona for a romantic weekend. Just super!! I'm very happy for them. Congratulations kiddies!
And, I'm supposed to be getting a promotion of sorts - that is what HR has informed me. Of course, as she gave me this piece of info she also went on to say that while my work is superior and senior in nature (?) I seem younger than I am (I drink, I laugh, I'm loud). At my age, so she went on to lecture, she already had a kid and maybe it was time to focus on other aspects of my life. I know she meant well, but HR is not my favourite in general and while I agree with a lot she said, I just can't stand the pressure of why I have to follow a clock while the boy doesn't!! For that reason, I can never have it all! And, really, I'm going to keep on being loud and laddish even if that makes me seem young. I know the dry vagina movement is not really dead!
Ok ok, must end - on a good note -- have a snazzy new orange bag. I think 31 is going to see me in a lot of oranges, burnt golds, rusts...and less red. Sad about this but that seems to be how my wardrobe is currently evolving.
Of course this made me realise what my friend E (one of the girls) is always saying, basically that we are all here in Brussels just for work, which can only sustain us for so long. The fact is, I've been on a work high, and that has pushed me along feeling good versus low, for longer than normal. Work was absolutely lousy yesterday with PVB on vacation, shouting down the phone line on numerous issues, of which very few had to do with me or anything I'd done! He was awful and I was stressed. I had to bail on Strasbourg because the 'Rents were coming back into town and no one was here to open the door for them. I came home a shell and it felt so good to have them console me and pep me up.
The combination of a bad day at work (my sole reason for being here), their departure and my missing of the boy, just reinforced my feelings that however much I love it here, its time to come down the mountain. In the end, I need more to keep me going than just a good job. Maybe a few years ago, such a job and such a place, where I could go out and drink and party, would have been enough (actually, I'm not sure about this as I had this in NY to some degree and still felt angst). But now, I do need more -- I need my family around, I need the boy, and I need a space of my own. I have nothing except work here. The friends I have are so amazing but they will always remain friends and they too will leave. The exodus has already begun!
Do you remember that song,"coming down the mountain, here she comes...coming down the mountain, here she comes... she'll be wearing pink pajamas, she'll be wearing pink pajamas, she'll be wearing pink pajamas as she comes." You could replace what 'she' would be wearing verse by verse, usually getting raunchier and raunchier, and that was the kicker of the song.
On another note, I've been reading some of my favourite blogs and realise that they are far more personal than my own. I am hiding behind a facade, not ready to really let myself go. On my friend L's blog she actually mentions her sex life and some personal subjects. I sort of skirt issues -- which is strange -- as someone who is usually open. I worry about offending or libel claims. I'm too cautious for a blog writer and so to keep this going I'll have to change - ie - time to spice things up.
The issue of readership must be raised once again. When is the right time to start pushing this blog out there? I'm not sure I can to be honest! I wanted a portfolio of work (as such) before really launching this site, but I would have to post more entries, post more carefully, and post with much more focus than I do currently. I'm going to pick a topic for my next entry and work within a more set framework.
Can I just add on a side note (its my blog so I don't really have to follow my own discipline diatribe), I'm so happy we may end up in la-la land. I know I will have to learn how to drive and will probably have to go the gym much more than I do now (though I've been good) and engage in some serious hair straightener shit, but I do like the weather and the ease of the left coast. Will we ever return to the right coast and can we live there after years out west? I just don't know actually...found out that one of the boy's sets of friends move back East soon ---I'll miss them and wish they were in LA when I moved. One thing though, is that NYC, should we have ended there, would be too full of people we already know, which while comfortable and warm, can also be somewhat stifling. I'd rather have some space for a new life.
Big news before I end: my brother and his lovely gf are engaged. They kneed and said yes and offered and accepted the diamond just before Easter and then whizzed off to Barcelona for a romantic weekend. Just super!! I'm very happy for them. Congratulations kiddies!
And, I'm supposed to be getting a promotion of sorts - that is what HR has informed me. Of course, as she gave me this piece of info she also went on to say that while my work is superior and senior in nature (?) I seem younger than I am (I drink, I laugh, I'm loud). At my age, so she went on to lecture, she already had a kid and maybe it was time to focus on other aspects of my life. I know she meant well, but HR is not my favourite in general and while I agree with a lot she said, I just can't stand the pressure of why I have to follow a clock while the boy doesn't!! For that reason, I can never have it all! And, really, I'm going to keep on being loud and laddish even if that makes me seem young. I know the dry vagina movement is not really dead!
Ok ok, must end - on a good note -- have a snazzy new orange bag. I think 31 is going to see me in a lot of oranges, burnt golds, rusts...and less red. Sad about this but that seems to be how my wardrobe is currently evolving.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Feeling Low on Good Friday
My mum always says Good Friday is rainy and there is an air of depression. I agree. I vaguely remember a sunny Good Friday, but can't pinpoint when or where I was. Well, today the weather really was dark and gloomy, I feel very, very low. The whole week has been me arguing with myself, with the boy, with bloody Belgacom (the rat-ass phone company), getting nervy with the roommates and generally feeling tired. Work wise, I'm supposed to get a promotions --- or so they say. I'm not holding my breath, I'm so tired I'd just pass out if I did.
The wedding invite saga has been put on hold, or maybe it is over for now. I don't know. I can barely care. I appreciate my life here more and more and find it hard to think of giving it up. I will miss my independence. I went out with RB the other night and we got sozzled at Guru. We drank two bottles of white wine, started on a bottle of red wine, at a delicious pita and chips and I finally caught a cab home (almost crashed there), after having woken up his pal MD by ringing his bell and calling him out to play. This is what I love and appreciate about Gypsy culture - the ease which MD dealt with all of this was lovely. I'd have been flipping out and actually so would have the boy. But MD just laughed and ignored the fact we'd woken him up around midnight. Maybe I'm too Gadje. I know I'm becoming less and less Indian. RB said I seemed more cosmopolitan, but as I pointed out to him, the last time we chatted, he said I was becoming more and more Indian after getting Canadian citizenship:-)
I also had a good time on Saturday. Danced and danced at Mezzo and felt very nostalgic as the Mezzo Clan were all around me. There are some moments captured on mental film that will alwasy be lovely.
Oh yeah, I woke up the morning after RB, to an apt with no hot water, a borrowed CD of RB's and his all night bus pass. Before I caught my cab home, there must have been a moment I actually (insanely) considered catching the bloody night 71 home and he must have offered me his bus pass. I also woke up with cramps. SO SO happy I came home instead of crashing on his couch! He is a useless pal to depend upon but he is a good guy and I really like him. We came to Brussels together and meeting up is always "family".
On another note, the boy retreated into the cave this week. The Girls called it well. I'm not sure what is burning me out but something is...I have nothing to complain about and must be getting soft if a little battle with Belgacom can throw me like this.
I'm happy my parents arrive bloody early tomorrow and we get a weekend together. But I also wouldn't have minded the apartment all to myself. I realise I need space and miss it---I have to cut back on going out and come home and chill a bit more. I also just need to find my own space. I should have moved into my own place from the beginning. sigh.
In terms of blog news: I've added a counter to see if anyone is indeed visiting. Will I feel depressed if no one is (except the people offering to let me visit their site and make money -- see comment under last posting)visiting? Maybe this is my space alone and I should keep it like that for a while before rushing into joining with others.
Silence in the apt is so lovely. So very, very lovely. Happy Easter all!!
The wedding invite saga has been put on hold, or maybe it is over for now. I don't know. I can barely care. I appreciate my life here more and more and find it hard to think of giving it up. I will miss my independence. I went out with RB the other night and we got sozzled at Guru. We drank two bottles of white wine, started on a bottle of red wine, at a delicious pita and chips and I finally caught a cab home (almost crashed there), after having woken up his pal MD by ringing his bell and calling him out to play. This is what I love and appreciate about Gypsy culture - the ease which MD dealt with all of this was lovely. I'd have been flipping out and actually so would have the boy. But MD just laughed and ignored the fact we'd woken him up around midnight. Maybe I'm too Gadje. I know I'm becoming less and less Indian. RB said I seemed more cosmopolitan, but as I pointed out to him, the last time we chatted, he said I was becoming more and more Indian after getting Canadian citizenship:-)
I also had a good time on Saturday. Danced and danced at Mezzo and felt very nostalgic as the Mezzo Clan were all around me. There are some moments captured on mental film that will alwasy be lovely.
Oh yeah, I woke up the morning after RB, to an apt with no hot water, a borrowed CD of RB's and his all night bus pass. Before I caught my cab home, there must have been a moment I actually (insanely) considered catching the bloody night 71 home and he must have offered me his bus pass. I also woke up with cramps. SO SO happy I came home instead of crashing on his couch! He is a useless pal to depend upon but he is a good guy and I really like him. We came to Brussels together and meeting up is always "family".
On another note, the boy retreated into the cave this week. The Girls called it well. I'm not sure what is burning me out but something is...I have nothing to complain about and must be getting soft if a little battle with Belgacom can throw me like this.
I'm happy my parents arrive bloody early tomorrow and we get a weekend together. But I also wouldn't have minded the apartment all to myself. I realise I need space and miss it---I have to cut back on going out and come home and chill a bit more. I also just need to find my own space. I should have moved into my own place from the beginning. sigh.
In terms of blog news: I've added a counter to see if anyone is indeed visiting. Will I feel depressed if no one is (except the people offering to let me visit their site and make money -- see comment under last posting)visiting? Maybe this is my space alone and I should keep it like that for a while before rushing into joining with others.
Silence in the apt is so lovely. So very, very lovely. Happy Easter all!!
Sunday, March 26, 2006
The Feminist Movement
I read another article in the NYTs today about how with an increase in female applicants to colleges, girls inevatibly have to be better than before to get in, while to maintain some element of gender balance a less brilliant guy may make it in instead of the outstanding girl!! So, by improving our chances to go to school and pushing ourselves we now get screwed and boys, yet again, do less and get more! What is going on here? Why are we always losing out - have we not thought the movement out enough? And what is the movement anymore? Young girls having unprotected sex and dressing at age 10 like they're 18? Women and men who can't cook or women (and men) who won't cook so their kids grow up on diets of McDonalds (or for a real meal, Outback)? Two-parent working families, struggling to make ends meet and with no time to be with their kids? Women who spend all their money on botox, lipo, face-lifts, dangerous boob jobs? An increase in young women smoking so they remain thin? Motherhood as a 3 day event (in, out, out)where the #1 thing is to exercise while pregnant and post pregnancy so that you never look like you had a child in the first place! What happenned? I know my mum didn't fight for this and I don't want any part of it! I've lost out both ways - within the phrase "I can be everything" is the dirty secret - "I wil have to be everything". Women still do more than 80% of the housework but now also work long hours outside the home, rear children, being super-moms, and must continue to look around the age of 22 at the most! On top of this, security of marriage and stability has gone. Enough, enough...what is wrong with us...how do we end up with the raw deal without fail!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Shout out to the boy
So, I spoke to the boy just now and he's going to read my blog! Wow! Feel all embarrassed, like we're on a first date or something. Hee hee. This is the thing about long distance relationships - the one's where you were once together in the same place -- you get by but only by supressing your real feelings. If I was to open myself up totally, I'd be hard pressed to keep breathing without him. But, to survive apart, I close that part of myself off - I just shut it and put it away. So this way, I continue living my life but not fully. When the intern was here, we talked about this, this living your life in segments. My segments are spread all over the world and the whole me is really present only in cyber-space, floating around like Mike TV in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Here is the other thing, the boy is off camping and my un-American cityness always kicks in regarding camping. I worry he will be killed or kidnapped. I worry some redneck will run him off the road and today, I thought about all that (just so I'm prepared), and my heart started to break. That is when I realised, I'd put my heart away while in Brussels. But, my heart knows what it feels like to crack - I learnt in last year with the boy. I remember the tremors and the cracks through the heart. For this reason, I will probably move to AA or even Chicago (no, no, there must be a god out there) and love them both. Because I'll be with the boy. Sounds corny I know. And I wish the bastard would come here. But I can't have it all. I can't, can I?
On another note, looked up cinnamon peeler on google image and found some cool photos of a dance troupe imagining the poem to dance. Then found a photo of a real cinnamon peeler and now can't enjoy the poem the same way again. Actually, the poem is one of my favourites. I've always maintained the Sri Lankans are a sexy bunch (PKG, the cricket team, MIA, PKG's sister, Ondaatje himself etc.) Of course, I'd like to add the Tamils are a sexy bunch (hey hey). I think it must be the dusky looks, good, strong, white teeth, and sinewy bodies. And lovely healthy hair. Its all that coconut oil.
Ok, here is one part:
"what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in the act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of a scar."
As if wounded without the pleasure of scar...my broken but mended heart.
God, the boy will probably forget to read this and remember over the weekend and read it while correcting papers and puke. That's ok - we all have to know what we are marrying into.
This weekend is a work weekend. sigh. I want to go out alone saturday to see a movie, maybe a dinner alone, a drink at the Canadian bar (though the owner's gf will probably talk to me all night and i won't get to be alone). I want to see if I can stil go out alone - I seem to always be with people and have lost the ability to be on my own -except for sitting in my bedroom. B is off this weekend for her annual grrrrl alone weekend. Wow! I actually want the apt empty of roommate #1. I want to be in my own place...should i have sucked up the extra money and got my own place!AAAh, such thoughts are pointless.
Ok, time to go to sleep (and think of the cinnamon peeler - who is very like the boy -- the beach boy collecting coconuts). Hmmm...that links back to my small restaurant on the beach in Goa, cooking fish, having a guitar player in to entertain the guests, home cooked fresh food in a clean and pleasant surrounding. And here I am, all those dreams later in Brussels. This is age, because now, I can't ever even imagine that actually taking place - I've given up on that dream. Instead, I've replaced it with ambition and intellect. What a loss!
Here is the other thing, the boy is off camping and my un-American cityness always kicks in regarding camping. I worry he will be killed or kidnapped. I worry some redneck will run him off the road and today, I thought about all that (just so I'm prepared), and my heart started to break. That is when I realised, I'd put my heart away while in Brussels. But, my heart knows what it feels like to crack - I learnt in last year with the boy. I remember the tremors and the cracks through the heart. For this reason, I will probably move to AA or even Chicago (no, no, there must be a god out there) and love them both. Because I'll be with the boy. Sounds corny I know. And I wish the bastard would come here. But I can't have it all. I can't, can I?
On another note, looked up cinnamon peeler on google image and found some cool photos of a dance troupe imagining the poem to dance. Then found a photo of a real cinnamon peeler and now can't enjoy the poem the same way again. Actually, the poem is one of my favourites. I've always maintained the Sri Lankans are a sexy bunch (PKG, the cricket team, MIA, PKG's sister, Ondaatje himself etc.) Of course, I'd like to add the Tamils are a sexy bunch (hey hey). I think it must be the dusky looks, good, strong, white teeth, and sinewy bodies. And lovely healthy hair. Its all that coconut oil.
Ok, here is one part:
"what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in the act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of a scar."
As if wounded without the pleasure of scar...my broken but mended heart.
God, the boy will probably forget to read this and remember over the weekend and read it while correcting papers and puke. That's ok - we all have to know what we are marrying into.
This weekend is a work weekend. sigh. I want to go out alone saturday to see a movie, maybe a dinner alone, a drink at the Canadian bar (though the owner's gf will probably talk to me all night and i won't get to be alone). I want to see if I can stil go out alone - I seem to always be with people and have lost the ability to be on my own -except for sitting in my bedroom. B is off this weekend for her annual grrrrl alone weekend. Wow! I actually want the apt empty of roommate #1. I want to be in my own place...should i have sucked up the extra money and got my own place!AAAh, such thoughts are pointless.
Ok, time to go to sleep (and think of the cinnamon peeler - who is very like the boy -- the beach boy collecting coconuts). Hmmm...that links back to my small restaurant on the beach in Goa, cooking fish, having a guitar player in to entertain the guests, home cooked fresh food in a clean and pleasant surrounding. And here I am, all those dreams later in Brussels. This is age, because now, I can't ever even imagine that actually taking place - I've given up on that dream. Instead, I've replaced it with ambition and intellect. What a loss!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Feeling like a teenager
So, work is horrendously busy and intense - but lovely. Real migration policy and project development work. It all ends next week but then I have to attend the big S.Caucus debacle meeting - it is all handled by my office partner S, but it still involved my nerves and constant tummy turmoil. Looking forward to it all in a slightly sick way. This is the low-down kiddies; last week was chockablock with going out. So bad that I just wanted to curl up in bed and watch SATC. So, decided this week would be “stay at home” week and now, WED, having stayed at home Mon, Tues and Wed - I'm going STIR CRAZY!! Wok me baby! Sorry, I badly pun at such times. No fun, but plenty of pun. ha ha.
I can't really complain, I went to Londres for the weekend on the Super Bro’s tab and it was really ABFAB! Saw lots of old friends and new cousins. Felt at one moment I was back in NYC - nothing had changed on meeting the lovely old roommie and his wife/my friend. Realised that old friends mean something - we have moments captured on mental film that no one else has access too. Like mum in the grocery store buying beers, like putting up our Xmas trees, like rooftop parties, keg stands, bad punch, sitting on the couch chit chatting on a Sunday morning, walking past the drug motel, calling the fire station, the old lady on the stoop, the other awful roommies, the one I got for life, and, and much much more. Had a bizarre back to school moment as well. Sigh - how many Fridas have there been since that point - back at Tenby Mansions and heading out to St. John's Wood or down to Leicester Square with Mr. PKG, standing outside my window or on my doorstep for one last kiss? Very old school, road trip back down memory land sort of thing. Lovely, lovely, lovely - and all done with the bro.
Realised the other day, I have very few total ‘secret’ secrets. You know, most of the stuff that enters into my life I share with one person at least -- mum, the boy, the bro, the girls, etc etc. Very little is kept only to myself. I'm not secretive by nature and keeping a secret, when I have one, is f*ing hard. While I wouldn't necessarily share it with just anyone, I usually tell people who share secrets with me that they should expect me to tell the boy. Had to promise to roommie #2 (the cool one) that I wouldn't tell the boy about our detailed sex talk as she would get embarrassed (though really, we didn't delve into what we do with our boyz to such a horrifying level). I've discussed worse:-) But, I realise that I never create my own secrets - that is until >>>>>>>>>>>
Baby, I feel like a teenager. This is the truth - I'm about one month or less off from being 31, but I don't feel like it. Yes, I've learned to say NO more easily and that I don't have to be loved by all, (or learning the above), and how to say ciao and walk away. But, deep down, I'm still 16 -- walking into the Trocadero and feeling energised by people and music. Fact is, I like a fun life - drinking, dancing, dressing up and dreaming (4 Ds). I like cool new lipsticks, seeing friends for dinner, a cute boy across the room, a lovely die-for dress or pair of shoes in the shop window, a fabulous movie or some amazing song coming out loud and clear at the gym or a car stereo. I like dreaming of my future - and possible other selves - something that becomes harder and harder the older you get. And for this reason, this deep down love of being young, having potential to reinvent myself and redraw my life, I love and respect Madonna. There you have it - the crux of this whole piece. Hung Up has me hung up and has (SECRETLY) inspired me to go to the gym. There it really is - the secret. Sigh, ok – there it is – spilled into cyber-space; Ms. Richie, reborn into her blue jeans and farah fawcett hair has me going back to the gym. Sigh. I'm off to bed now.
oooh and james blunt:-) Do love James!!
I can't really complain, I went to Londres for the weekend on the Super Bro’s tab and it was really ABFAB! Saw lots of old friends and new cousins. Felt at one moment I was back in NYC - nothing had changed on meeting the lovely old roommie and his wife/my friend. Realised that old friends mean something - we have moments captured on mental film that no one else has access too. Like mum in the grocery store buying beers, like putting up our Xmas trees, like rooftop parties, keg stands, bad punch, sitting on the couch chit chatting on a Sunday morning, walking past the drug motel, calling the fire station, the old lady on the stoop, the other awful roommies, the one I got for life, and, and much much more. Had a bizarre back to school moment as well. Sigh - how many Fridas have there been since that point - back at Tenby Mansions and heading out to St. John's Wood or down to Leicester Square with Mr. PKG, standing outside my window or on my doorstep for one last kiss? Very old school, road trip back down memory land sort of thing. Lovely, lovely, lovely - and all done with the bro.
Realised the other day, I have very few total ‘secret’ secrets. You know, most of the stuff that enters into my life I share with one person at least -- mum, the boy, the bro, the girls, etc etc. Very little is kept only to myself. I'm not secretive by nature and keeping a secret, when I have one, is f*ing hard. While I wouldn't necessarily share it with just anyone, I usually tell people who share secrets with me that they should expect me to tell the boy. Had to promise to roommie #2 (the cool one) that I wouldn't tell the boy about our detailed sex talk as she would get embarrassed (though really, we didn't delve into what we do with our boyz to such a horrifying level). I've discussed worse:-) But, I realise that I never create my own secrets - that is until >>>>>>>>>>>
Baby, I feel like a teenager. This is the truth - I'm about one month or less off from being 31, but I don't feel like it. Yes, I've learned to say NO more easily and that I don't have to be loved by all, (or learning the above), and how to say ciao and walk away. But, deep down, I'm still 16 -- walking into the Trocadero and feeling energised by people and music. Fact is, I like a fun life - drinking, dancing, dressing up and dreaming (4 Ds). I like cool new lipsticks, seeing friends for dinner, a cute boy across the room, a lovely die-for dress or pair of shoes in the shop window, a fabulous movie or some amazing song coming out loud and clear at the gym or a car stereo. I like dreaming of my future - and possible other selves - something that becomes harder and harder the older you get. And for this reason, this deep down love of being young, having potential to reinvent myself and redraw my life, I love and respect Madonna. There you have it - the crux of this whole piece. Hung Up has me hung up and has (SECRETLY) inspired me to go to the gym. There it really is - the secret. Sigh, ok – there it is – spilled into cyber-space; Ms. Richie, reborn into her blue jeans and farah fawcett hair has me going back to the gym. Sigh. I'm off to bed now.
oooh and james blunt:-) Do love James!!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
America, oh America
So, recent days have seen some real progress at work in terms of a new cycle of learning and growing. I'm working on some hard core Asia stuff now and dealing with political and well as policy and project based issues. Love it. But, wait up, work isn't supposed to be going so well that it hurts to leave! And here lies the whole bloody problem: I'm 30 and I've been brought up to believe that making something of myself (read successful job/career) is damn important. Parallel to this, is my own need to have a loving (read successfull) relationship and honestly, the unwritten expectation of society that I get married/settled. What I'm trying now is to get the best of both worlds - but to get one (love/the boy) I'll have to move (back) to the US. To keep the other, I probably will have to stay here in Brussels.
Look, in terms of what I do (migration), I'm in one of few places that people would give their left and maybe even right, arm for. And I'm going to give it away. That goes against what I've been openly told my whole life. But of course, in addition, the undercurrent of discussion, in my life, in my girlfriends' lives, etc is that true happiness is being with someone wonderful (and this message is not limited to the heterosexual chickies out there - it really is sold and applied to all women). AAAGH!!!
On top of all this is one fact I have to face - I really like my life here. I love my friends, I like who I am (confident, funny, open, balanced, nice, sane), I enjoy myself here fully. But I miss the boy and if I stayed would move to a better apt/without the flatmates. So, I could stay and change the boy and the apt. But I love the boy and want him too! waaah! why can't the sucker move here!! It is easy to change apt., but not the boy. And, deep down I can't help but think, is my life here so lovely because I don't have to deal with stupid (non) romance issues because of the very existence of the boy (far away)? By his presence in my life, I can focus on other stuff and enjoy myself and not care about dating, dates, love, sex and a future partner. If I compare my sitch to the truly single here - I do have the best of all worlds. The truly single in this city are a depressed lot - it is not easy to meet guys (ok, unless you want the boys in the gym).
Basically, I have to deal with leaving and the reality is, that on leaving, contrary to what I tell others, I will miss this damp, rainy, squishy, illogical, twisty city. There, I said it!
And worse, oh god, it gets worse...I'll be moving back to the US. America, oh America, the land of the free...I forget how Americans (both types - the intellectual and the mid-western) fucking annoy the shit out of me (sorry, bad language is needed)! I mean really get my goat either through their conservatism or their constant rebellions or their capitalism, isolationism, lack of awareness, and most of all, their apathy!!! I can't stand the apathy!
And my friends here are spunky, political, international, and vibrant. Can I repeat that there? I have wonderful friends in the US - but except for some rare gems (shout out to the girls in NY, bex, queen yasmeen etc) most are not American. And I have mixed feelings about the boy's friends (who are ALL American). What has got me on this rant? Well, I clicked through to my highschool web site - because of brown english muffin's blog and saw the photos of past people from ASL and all my annoyances with Americans came flooding back.
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is shit and 10 is wow(!), I realise that me, myself and I, is an 8 on the European continent (I love where I am and who I am and therefore am better/nicer etc), a 6-8 in Canada (medium and plodding a bit), a solid fabulous 9 in the UK (love em and love myself) and a real below 5 in the US. Maybe NY is different - but in NY I'm a bitch. I am.
Can I really then go back there for 5 to 6 years? More and more, as time draws near to Aug, I realise that if I don't have to play the contract game again, I'd like to stay for 2-3 months more. I'd also like to possibly work with the org in the US. And I would consider in 2 years of being in the States, looking to be away from the US (and sadly the boy) again for a year.
Hence the blog name -- the cinnamon peeler's wife in the poem (orig title) is passionate, in lust/love but also independent. Their is strength to the speaker (the cinnamon peeler) and to the woman/wife to be. By going back, I can't forget this me, the me who is 30, an adult, independent, fun, sexy, open, friendly and courageous. But that will be hard - almost forgot it in India and really missed Belgian ME, while I was in Goa. How can I not be Belgian ME in India or anywhere else? How can I export Belgian ME everywhere else? And why should locale have an effect on me to such an extent??????
Ok - one is the boys. I like the boys here, the boys like me, I feel sexier (even if nothing is ever done - its just the ambience). --- External validation
2. heels heels heels - structured clothing with bright colours, bit o' crazy style mixed with classic --- Exoticisation of me.
3. Understanding how it all works --- instincts functioning well here.
sigh... can't write more ...now just navel gazing. Basically, it is all in the attitude and my attitude is better in Europe. So, I have to break down the roots to this good attitude and transplant them elsewhere.
good night nowt!
Look, in terms of what I do (migration), I'm in one of few places that people would give their left and maybe even right, arm for. And I'm going to give it away. That goes against what I've been openly told my whole life. But of course, in addition, the undercurrent of discussion, in my life, in my girlfriends' lives, etc is that true happiness is being with someone wonderful (and this message is not limited to the heterosexual chickies out there - it really is sold and applied to all women). AAAGH!!!
On top of all this is one fact I have to face - I really like my life here. I love my friends, I like who I am (confident, funny, open, balanced, nice, sane), I enjoy myself here fully. But I miss the boy and if I stayed would move to a better apt/without the flatmates. So, I could stay and change the boy and the apt. But I love the boy and want him too! waaah! why can't the sucker move here!! It is easy to change apt., but not the boy. And, deep down I can't help but think, is my life here so lovely because I don't have to deal with stupid (non) romance issues because of the very existence of the boy (far away)? By his presence in my life, I can focus on other stuff and enjoy myself and not care about dating, dates, love, sex and a future partner. If I compare my sitch to the truly single here - I do have the best of all worlds. The truly single in this city are a depressed lot - it is not easy to meet guys (ok, unless you want the boys in the gym).
Basically, I have to deal with leaving and the reality is, that on leaving, contrary to what I tell others, I will miss this damp, rainy, squishy, illogical, twisty city. There, I said it!
And worse, oh god, it gets worse...I'll be moving back to the US. America, oh America, the land of the free...I forget how Americans (both types - the intellectual and the mid-western) fucking annoy the shit out of me (sorry, bad language is needed)! I mean really get my goat either through their conservatism or their constant rebellions or their capitalism, isolationism, lack of awareness, and most of all, their apathy!!! I can't stand the apathy!
And my friends here are spunky, political, international, and vibrant. Can I repeat that there? I have wonderful friends in the US - but except for some rare gems (shout out to the girls in NY, bex, queen yasmeen etc) most are not American. And I have mixed feelings about the boy's friends (who are ALL American). What has got me on this rant? Well, I clicked through to my highschool web site - because of brown english muffin's blog and saw the photos of past people from ASL and all my annoyances with Americans came flooding back.
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is shit and 10 is wow(!), I realise that me, myself and I, is an 8 on the European continent (I love where I am and who I am and therefore am better/nicer etc), a 6-8 in Canada (medium and plodding a bit), a solid fabulous 9 in the UK (love em and love myself) and a real below 5 in the US. Maybe NY is different - but in NY I'm a bitch. I am.
Can I really then go back there for 5 to 6 years? More and more, as time draws near to Aug, I realise that if I don't have to play the contract game again, I'd like to stay for 2-3 months more. I'd also like to possibly work with the org in the US. And I would consider in 2 years of being in the States, looking to be away from the US (and sadly the boy) again for a year.
Hence the blog name -- the cinnamon peeler's wife in the poem (orig title) is passionate, in lust/love but also independent. Their is strength to the speaker (the cinnamon peeler) and to the woman/wife to be. By going back, I can't forget this me, the me who is 30, an adult, independent, fun, sexy, open, friendly and courageous. But that will be hard - almost forgot it in India and really missed Belgian ME, while I was in Goa. How can I not be Belgian ME in India or anywhere else? How can I export Belgian ME everywhere else? And why should locale have an effect on me to such an extent??????
Ok - one is the boys. I like the boys here, the boys like me, I feel sexier (even if nothing is ever done - its just the ambience). --- External validation
2. heels heels heels - structured clothing with bright colours, bit o' crazy style mixed with classic --- Exoticisation of me.
3. Understanding how it all works --- instincts functioning well here.
sigh... can't write more ...now just navel gazing. Basically, it is all in the attitude and my attitude is better in Europe. So, I have to break down the roots to this good attitude and transplant them elsewhere.
good night nowt!
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