Ode to Brussels

The only way to approach praising or loving Brussels, is by accepting the city as it truly is...surrealist in all aspects.

As Belgium pulls itself apart,with Brussels caught in the middle, and the world snickers at its antics, this article (sent by M and posted by S on her blog:http://mynybits.blogspot.com/2007/11/mannekenpis-revenge.html) accurately captures how most expats feel about their adopted home city:

http://www.guardianabroad.co.uk/lifestyle/article/344

My own ode to Brussels is mainly situated in the non-touristy spaces of the city - Matonge, Gare Midi, Place Lux, Le Stoemelings (place de londres), l'ultime atome; and built around memories of walking up and down Chausee d'Ixelles, going to the museums, running to bars and movies on Toison d'Or, late night frites near rue dublin, and partying at Mezzo and Le President with good friends.

I do hope the current government "crisis" sorts itself out - though even in this context, one is forced to just roll one's eyes and sigh...only in Belgium!

Being tough and knowing what you want...a life lesson

Today has been spent negotiating my job offer. I have three things on the table I want changed, a sort of hierarchy of desires. I have an idea of what is feasible and their own limits.

I'm trying to take the advice of friends and be tough. Of course, the hardest part is figuring out what I want or don't want. I had to really ask myself today where I want to draw the line in the sand and if I'm ready to stand by what I feel/think.

I expect not to receive all I requested, but to have a combo change...a little of this, a little of that, etc. And I've made a mental decision of what I will not accept. It is hard when you really like a position/team, but since my job will involve a lot of negotiating, this is good practice.

Can I really imagine myself saying "no", maybe – it’s so dependent on the nature of the negotiations and how I’m left feeling (happy, respected vs. resentful, unsatisfied).

Almost there...

UPDATE: Just as I posted, then wandered off to the kitchen, sans phone ...they called. An offer has been made. I'll call back tomorrow to say yah/nay/negotiate. Not sure how much room there is to push for changes...


I'm holding my breath because my second meeting on Friday, with the people I love and want to work for, went VERY well! I was assured that an offer would be made by COB today, with a start date of next Monday!!!!

I'm prepared though for the offer to be made Tues, or even the dreaded Wednesday-before-Thanksgiving. Fridays and Mondays are generally a mess in every office, if I remember correctly. I'm surprisingly calm, but I think that is just exhaustion from guests in town, cleaning up the house, rushing around for interviews etc.

I can't say more till the offer comes through - already my Indian superstitions are kicking in and I feel it has been jinxed with too much talk. AAAAAAAH!!!!! I'm also preparing myself to have to negotiate terms and I wish I was the boy or my brother in such matters.

In other news, the in-law visit went off very well. We all gave each other a lot of space and having the boy's uncle visiting at the same time, was really a blessing.

We have a whole group of friends coming over for dinner. I know it will be fun, but when I invited everyone, I'd had a few drinks and totally forgot that Monday nights is HEROES!!! And that maybe I'd be burnt-out and want to sit on the couch and do nothing!

I'm really excited...and I can't write anymore because I only have one subject to talk about...and well, I can't really talk about it right now...

Of course, as you probably have guessed - my mind is reeling with alternate scenearios, like has the position been cancelled? Did one of the boss-people I met on Friday not really like me? Are my instincts and research about this job/place right or wrong? What if I don't get it by some bizarre universal flux? AAAAH - OK, maybe I'm not feeling so calm. I've got to take a deep breath.

Here is what I feel: from talking with friends who are in the "know", this is a really good place to work - the organisation respects the job I'd be doing, the benefits are solid, they have well planned long-term goals and are in a good cycle of growth. From the research I've done, the actual work I'd be doing is pretty damn interesting and cutting edge. My instincts tell me that the team I'd be working within is a good one and that this path I'm choosing is very promising. I know I want to work on migration issues via an effective vehicle. This job/place is truly effective. And finally, I need to think ahead and see what other avenues could open up by this step, not only in terms of life in the US (which it seems is the reality) but also in terms of keeping open international opportunities.

And if I don't get the offer, by some great universe-inspired, mind-f**k, I'll hold my breath and channel really hard so that I enter another realm, where this doesn't occur. Or else, I'll just keep on searching.

Aaah, to be a Japanese Salaryman!

I went for Interview #4 today - with a large, private corporation. I thought I'd delve into something more than social justice, just to test the waters and see if I could return to such a world...this particular job is not the way to do it, but the interview alone left a slightly acidic taste in my mouth...let me just say, that they called ME and I did NOT apply for this position...the dangers of randomly putting one's CV on Monster!

Let me break it down:

1. The job is for a project coordinator - working with a number of IT projects. Basically, shepherding IT project managers (PMs) to meet project outputs and goals. Very, very boring work any-which way you look at it. But good pay!

2. 98% of the PMs, at this particular corporation, are Indians from the South of India. And I mean, right off the boat from India...they all speak various south Indian languages as they walk around the halls and the women ALL wore salwar churidar (not to be confused with the north Indian salwar kameez)! A lot of sly, male looks were given my way...I felt like I was traveling through India on my own again...

2. One of the important skills for the job is to be an effective communicator. One of my tasks would be to attend numerous meetings between the PMs and the VPs of this corp., (who appear to be all WASPs) and basically guide the PMs through the meeting – stepping in when necessary - an explaining or interpreting what they are saying to the VPs.

The interviewers (two nice boys from Denver) explained that it is often difficult for the VPs to grasp what the "brains" (i.e. the PMs from India) are saying. They meant tech jargon and not accents...I hope!

3. I was asked to give examples of projects I have coordinated – preferably ones that I've seen through a whole cycle...I gave two examples, of course both international. One was Lebanon. They asked if we met the project deadline. I said we met the project deliverables ("X" amount of persons evacuated) but that the project was extended due to the continued shelling of Beirut.

They said: Aah, so you didn't meet the proposed time deadline?

I said: "Well, the war/crisis went on longer than foreseen by the Israelis or the rest of the international community: the stakeholders in the project (the EU, IOM member states, the Lebanese, the Israelis etc) foresaw a possible extension but hoped to avoid it"

They said: Hmmmm…But you didn't deliver the goals in the set timeframe?

I said: You could say that - though working with stakeholders who are sovereign states is different from working with private companies.

The head interviewer, one of the nice boys from Denver, said:

"I GUESS THAT IS WHY THIS WAR (IRAQ) HAS BEEN HANDED TO PRIVATE COMPANIES, SO THAT DELIVERABLES CAN BE ASSURED".

I said nothing and gave them my best fake smile.

I don't think I'm (1) getting this job; (2) taking this job

They also asked me if Brussels was colder or warmer than LA in temperature/weather. I laughed and said Brussels was rainy but the surfing was better.

And that my friends is really dependent on what you want from your waves, because as well ALL know, its the motion of the ocean and not the size of the waves that matter:
http://www.globalsurfers.com/spot.cfm?land=Belgium&surfing=246

HAPPY HALLOWEEN & it's raining men...

uhm, no - more like interviews, actually

Ok, first there was a minor storm - the very first application resulted in a very positive interview and job offer (of weird sorts...), which I decided not to follow-up on for a variety of reasons (pay, scope of job etc etc).

Then came the drought - granted, it was a drought of only one month, because I've only been applying for jobs since our return from VA and my brother's wedding. But by the end of last week, I was feeling miserable!! I was even considering looking at NY or DC - which seem to have jobs requiring exactly what I have (international experience, in particular, EU knowledge etc).

And then came interview 1 and 2 and now possibly a third!!! This has boosted my spirits but also increased my anxiety levels to RED! It seems that finally my stars are turning and high time, I'm sick of being a housefrau. And though I've engaged with the outside world (taking/sitting in on UCLA graduate classes, trying to clean up my various languages, keeping on top of global issues, volunteering with UCLA, actively making friends), my days still revolve around the house, the boy, and dinner.

And while all 3 options may fall apart, this gives me the strength to continue. I loved my last job and really enjoy working. I've never cared for 9-5 jobs and look to my work to fulfill me! I can't wait to start working...yes, I know that when it happens, I'll have tons of complaints, hate waking up in the morning, resent the boy no end for not doing his part of the chores as quickly as needed, and suffer acute amounts of anxiety over minor and major issues alike. But, at least that is more "me" than the person I currently am!

p.s. happy ghoulish Halloween to all - we have a skeleton up on the door and are waiting the promised munchkin rush with candy cones (the boy's least favourite candy) and snicker bars (the boy's top favourite candy).

I am from VENUS and I should be living in Amsterdam!

I promised myself I'd join the boy in bed early tonight...we have a long day tomorrow. I even decided not to watch Law and Order, SVU and just jump into bed, that is, as soon as I turned off my computer. Anyhoo, a few "what the hell have I been doing" hours later I discovered that I am from Venus:

You Are From Venus

You love all forms of beauty. You love dressing up and anything luxurious. A social butterfly, you're incredibly popular and a great host. You're known for your fairness and affection. And as a frind to all. Careful though! You're desire to please may make you too willing to conform. Be yourself. Focus on what matters to you. You'll be all the more popular for it.

What Planet Are You From?

And that I should be living in Amsterdam:

You Belong in Amsterdam

A little old fashioned, a little modern - you're the best of both worlds. And so is Amsterdam. Whether you want to be a squatter graffiti artist or a great novelist, Amsterdam has all that you want in Europe (in one small city).

What European City Do You Belong In?

Just for the record -

(i) I do tend try to please, way, way too often - this is usually the source of all my woes. And I often doubt the path I am on or wish to be on, if only because 'my world' (friends, family, the boy etc) may not agree with me. In fact, in the last few months I've felt this growing pressure to really come to terms with my desires and try and actively live them out;

and

(ii) I LOVE AMSTERDAM!!!!!!! I'd give up a whole secret list of things just to live there! I even love the Dutch!

Returning Home

There is always something lovely about coming home...as a married adult, my home should technically be in LA, where the boy and I live, but the reality is that "home" is still my parents' house- in other words, Atlanta, GA.

This weekend was a spur of the moment decision - my brother was spending the weekend in ATL and it just seemed so lovely that after both our weddings we could still "come home". And it has just been great! I think that regardless of however much your partner understands you or loves you, if you are close to your family, then your very true self only exists in that space shared with those people, who the universe gave you as parents and siblings. Maybe this is some reflection on how close the boy and I are, maybe its symbolic of my ties to the outside world...I don't know and frankly while I've analysed this for years, I don't really want to change anything.

Being back in the bosom of my nuclear family is just lovely - I feel that a younger and less guarded me is present. We may disagree and fight with each other, but there is never any need to be wary. My parents and my brother are here with me for life (touch wood). However much the boy says he "knows me" and he thinks he really, really knows me...my parents get me without much thought. I have quite a few friends who are just as close to their parents and siblings and I think it is a gift and a burden. A gift, because to have such limitless love is amazing; a burden because it spoils you for all future loves.

There I've said it. The fact is, no one can live up to that love! Sigh, I remember being at my grandfather's house in Bombay and having the same feeling. My mum loved being back with us and her sisters around. It was in that space that I felt safest and most loved. Yes, back then and even now, I know that these escapes into time only work as short excursions, but I am so thankful to have them!

By Monday, I'll want to be back in LA, applying for jobs, being with the boy, meeting up with friends and doing all my grown-up chores, but for now, I'm thrilled to be my 10 year old self, lying on my parents' bed, chatting and drinking sweet tea and watching my mother tie her sari as she heads out for a party. Oh yeah, and thinking up ways to tease my brother!!!

Typing with one cat on my lap and another on the keyboard

We are cat sitting for a friend and one of the babies is on my lap (Pippen) and the other (Merry) is on and off the keyboard, so this post is quite a chore!

The last week of July has been totally uplifting - I received a notice that my work permit was approved and that the card was to be produced in the coming 30 days. Literally, less than a week later, the card was in my mailbox!! woo hoo!! Except of course, I haven't actually really started looking for jobs and now I have to do so and pronto! Granted, the card is only 5 days old, but I feel the need to apply, apply, apply!!! And to get any job for the moment - like even licking envelopes at home:-)

A day after us doing a dance around the apt with the permit in hand, we received a notice that our GC interview has been scheduled for the 21st of September! woo hoo! Of course, having woo hooed, I have to say that I'm so nervous about the interview - though the boy and I are obviously an authentic couple. Still...

I promised myself that I'd send out one job application a day, but what with reading Harry and the volunteer stuff (which kicked in late) I've actually been really busy. Ok, that isn't a real excuse... the cats have kept me busy...ok, that isn't a real excuse either.

Anyway, on top of all this good news, we heard more (makes a pessimist like me worry - are we using up our quota of good luck? What about the 21st of September then?) - the boy passed both his comprehensives!!! He is thrilled, I'm relieved, and it means that we should be ok next year for his tuition/fellowship.

Wow, I'm not really sure how I can process this much good news really. And in two weeks I'm off to Portland to see girlfriends, then we jet off for our East Coast, three state, parental and sibling visit. I get to see a good friend (B) in Virginia as well. Then E visits LA in mid-Sept and maybe even S (all my Brussels' buddies), who may move to NY in a few weeks time. Crazy huh? Life in LA is finally settling in and becoming home.

Oh, and I have a great tan - really great actually - in time for the brother's wedding.

Oh, and our car has died -- finally some bad news to balance out all this good. Phew, now I can relax!

The cats are still all around me, so I should stop typing. They are both loveable and I'm not sure how our friend expects us to hand them back to her -- I tried to bargain and offer her back Pippen and the boy, in place of Merry (who I love dearly). But, the boy, though cute, just isn't THAT cute!!! Sigh.

Summer is really, truly here!!!

Playing the waiting game...

As I finally really settle into LA, the work permit/Green Card hangs over us like a malevolent shadow. There is a whole sub-community dealing with the Adjustment of Status (the GC process) and I belong to two boards that deal with this issue.

Basically, I know deep down we just have to wait. The first timeline on the right bar shows how long we've waited for our AoS since filing (1month, 2 weeks, 3 days). In the grand scheme this isn't a lot, but there are the additional first three months (Feb-April) of waiting, gathering info etc as well and the possible 3-4 month coming wait (July-Oct) before we even get an interview date.

I'm hoping for a late September/early October interview!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!

The first step is getting the EAD/work permit - that should be delivered to us by the end of August. Technically, the EAD has to be given to us within 90 days of filing for it (so by Aug 9/07). If not, on the 91st day, we can go to our local USCIS office and ask for it/push them to produce it. Hopefully, we won't get an RFE - Request for Further Evidence, which slows the process down, and breaks the chain of the 90 days rule for the EAD.

After receiving the EAD, we wait again - this time for an interview date, usually scheduled 1-2 months earlier. Then, if we are VERY VERY VERY lucky, my FBI name check will have already been finalised and we get approved immediately at our interview, my passport is stamped and production of the actual, physical GC starts. If we aren't so lucky, we get approved by the officer, but pending the name check, still have to wait for the official approval letter and the physical GC. I don't want to even say out loud what the "unlucky" case could be...I'll say this though, an approval, official or from the officer means NADA, until you have that little piece of plastic in hand.

A recent article in the Washington Post details how delayed FBI name checks are - we could end up waiting anywhere from 1 month to 2 years after our approved interview, before we get the physical GC. In this limbo period - really the worst of all feelings - we'd just keep renewing my EAD (around $200 each time, not sure what the cost will be in the new fee system) and hoping that the name check goes through. Some people contact their Senator for help; others have taken class action lawsuits against USCIS and the FBI for the delays. Randomness and baaaaaaaad luck are the name of the game. Without the GC I cannot leave the US - not even to Canada.

If I'm caught in the name check brouhaha, I'm going to pack my bags and move to NY, find a small job, rent an apartment in Brooklyn and wait it out. I will not and cannot wait it out in LA, the all American of cities - I'll need to have at least some foreign-ness around me. Oh yeah, and my first GC is only for 2 years and is conditional, dependent on my marriage to the boy. So in 2 years, we have to go through this damned process of changing to a fully GC AGAIN!!!

In all this mental mess, the boy is busy with school and is somewhat unsympathetic about my worries. Of course, he has very little to actually worry about...any outcome is borne purely by me - he is the US citizen (USC for short) after all. [Ok, that is me just being snarky at him] In truth, we "spousal applicants" are luckier than other immigrants, because we have the power of the USC behind us - hence the ability to contact Senators, the press etc, the USCIS ombudsman etc. And our spouses, the USC, obviously want us here --- I think:-)

This is what I instinctively feel: that the process will go smoothly, I don't see us having a problem. What I do see, is that we will have a long timeline --nothing horrendous, but we won't end up with a quickly processed GC I really would love. It'll go according to the slowest estimated timeline/normal schedule:

Filed AoS [MAY]
1 month later Biometrics [JUNE]
3 months later EAD [AUG]
5-6 months later interview date [OCT -NOV]
7-12 months later GC received in mail [DEC-MAY 08]

Actually, I have nothing to really complain about...I know that...I know that...aaah!!! I just HATE waiting without knowing...always a thorn with me.

My first real "I'm part of LA" experience...Ozomatli...

In concert...for free... part of the opening of Grand Performances...downtown LA... and me (waving)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rG5y20rIzmA



We also saw Dengue Fever (fabulous!!! Listen to them at http://www.myspace.com/denguefevermusic) and Yohimbe Brothers (from NYC). And then went to Chinatown for dinner. This is all thanks to Adnan (for the lift, the info on the performances and for use of his camera!) really. And Taz for introducing us all!

And for much clearer sounds of Ozomatli: http://www.myspace.com/ozomatli

Paris, je ne t'aime pas!

And I'm talking about the Hilton and not the city of lights! The whole 3 day jail thing is really so ridiculous and totally ruining my Friday morning news round-up!! Grrrrh!!!

It seems that Ms. Hilton took ill during her 3 days in jail - she stopped eating! Hey, here's a thought - maybe this is NORMAL behaviour for her and no one outside her circle of nutty enablers has noticed it until now!

Anyway, I think this is a really good example of what Gore is talking about in his recent book, "The Assault on Reason" and the trivialisation of news etc.

And you know, people keep dying around the world, being incorrectly incarcerated, tortured and displaced from their homes as we focus on this nonsense...if it isn't Paris today, its Anna Nicole's death, Britney's hair etc etc....and living in LA we get bombarded by this stuff during local news headlines as well!

Sigh...I asked for this when I missed pop culture whilst in Brussels.

I'm generally feeling very anti-consumerism and overwhelmed by advertising around me. I think LA is worse than other cities for that as billboards for tv shows and movies dominate the landscape, along with regular advertising for toothpaste, clothes etc.

Or maybe I'm just old and want to live on a farm (like Barbara Kingsolver), eating what I grow (so basically, with my record of growing plants, I'll starve like Paris) and feeling more in-tune with nature...or to travel somewhere less commercial (like Mongolia???).

Finished my trauma class yesterday...more on that later.

I'm addicted...save me!!!

Virtual Doll Play - a new type of childhood

I read this article in the NYT about how young girls are playing "doll" online these days - using the virtual world to dress up various dolls. Well, old fogey me was saddened by the loss of yet another "real" thing, so I went on line to see what the fuss was all about and WOW!!!

While it can't really replace the experience of getting your barbies to do secret, unmentionable things with your younger brother's action men (my parents didn't see the reason to shell out more $$ for a Ken), it is still a whole lotta fun: http://www.cartoondollemporium.com

[Please note, no Action Man doll was ever hurt during the above noted childhood actions]

For the more serious among us, the NYT article: http://www.cartoondollemporium.com

And my first doll:

Playing at Adam and Eve

Spring Break 2007 is over - and boy was it amazing!! We fixed up the "study", aka our 2nd bedroom, we saw tons of the boy's friends at various events/hangouts, we had down time to just chat and play video games (ahem), we managed to do the "all you can drink" champagne brunch at Overland Cafe (woo hoo!) AND we went camping.

So, until this point I've wavered from fine to ambivalent on the issue of camping. I always have a good time but I'm not a camper by nature. Well, this trip has changed everything. We went to Catalina Island, hiked 7 miles in from Two Harbors to Parson's Landing and had the smooth-stoned and yellow-sand beach, and the beautiful, blue and emerald-ocean ALL to ourselves (one night there was another guy way down the beach and the second day, the seal visited us).

Basically it was 48 hrs of total solitude. Absolutely fabulous and hence the title of this post. I felt like we were the first and only couple on the land and it was magical. We hiked around in peace, we bathed in the ocean, we slept under the moon and the big dipper and we woke to the waves and lovely sunshine.

And then there was the seal...he basically made his way on the beach towards us, aiming to pretty much sit where we were sitting. I was convinced he was a Japanese ghost spirit - a man caught in the body of a seal, looking to speak to us with a message on how to release him…but no…he was just a curious, sunbathing-serious seal...cute but eccentric.
I can't really do justice to the trip or the cleansing effect it had on us, so here are some photos – ENJOY:

The beach - Parson's Landing


We frolicked in the ocean - cold and bracing but oh, so lovely!


Our campsite!


Mr. Seal

Economics and Me: Not quite in bed together

So I had the real pleasure today of talking to two good friends of mine (who've recently given birth to a beautiful baby girl), currently living in NY but soon to move west-coast side. While they shared a number of wise takes on their own experience at marriage etc., one of the topics we discussed, or should I say, I discussed, was the boy's economics degree. And what I realised is that I'm really disdainful of economists and economics - in a slightly ignorant and fearful way.

The fact is that currently graduate econ programmes seem to be male dominated. This in itself isn't bad, but it lends a certain tone to the department. In addition, as far as I can understand from my discussion with the econ folks, in the US at least, the accepted gospel is that a free market economy is the only successful way to go. There may be variations in what models work better or to what degree to restrict/encourage government intervention, monopolies etc, but the underlying belief is in economic equilibrium, or supply and demand is the true, natural law. But, to me, the inherent problem with supply and demand and the idea of the free market economy is the assumption that all the actors are rational and behaviour is dictated by free-will. [I don't want to espouse the notion that the gender tilt of the discipline is connected to its beliefs - but I can't help but wonder?]

I'm not a Marxist and barely a socialist any longer, and I understand that a controlled market can be limiting. I also openly profess enjoying the benefits of living my whole life within a free market economy. One of the benefits of a market maintaining equilibrium is the power of choice. But, I do have issues with not even questioning the free market and wondering if it, and the system is propagates - capitalism - doesn’t only benefit the few and hurt the majority.

Since the fall of the USSR, we've swung from having a bi-polar world models to out and out glorification of one model/school of thought only. People say that democracy won when the Berlin Wall fell, but I think the battle was actually between two different styles of economy, and if you look at the USSR and many of its ex-satellite nations today, the only winner has been capitalism. It is the one thing that seems to have taken root in ex-socialist and communist states with ease. Because of the USSR we associate socialism with a pure controlled market state and communism or some version of totalitarianism.

What we seem to find hard acknowledging is that models with different pairings (such as socialism and democracy) can work - granted such a pairing seems to exist on small scale situations - like Sweden and a commune in Oregan. To me capitalism is voracious and is a fundamentally uncaring system - if we add niceties to it, it’s like adding a frilly-collar to a pit bull. The very nature of capitalism is battle for control and the hunger to expand.

This leads me to the fact that econ departments or at least the one here, seem to be lagging behind in other schools of thoughts, many of which are products of post-post-modernism, ecological concerns, globalization and the end of the American dream. One such ne0-school is Participatory Economics. Of course, for such an alternative to what we are used to, to work, means changing our mind-set or attitude towards ownership, wealth, consumption and power. Granted it is, as the Wiki, so rightly puts, "an anarchistic economic vision", but it is a middle of the road attempt.

Having said all the above, my innate dislike of economics as a discipline arises from my grounding as a social scientist and as a child various arts and humanities departments. To me (and this is the irrational, phobic fear I'm determined to overcome), Econ is a social science that hates itself for not being treated with the gravity it thinks it deserves in an increasingly scientific and quantitative world. It’s the social science that sold out first and fastest. So, over the years, it has moved towards becoming more mathematical than some math departments and producing models that seem far removed from research, intuition, or qualitative analysis. In itself this isn’t bad, but in the end the application of economics lies in the social science arena and to have government policies set by people totally untrained to understand nuances or who cannot foresee ahead to a slightly unexpected scenario, is scary. The boy may or may not agree to a degree. We have been warned by a more senior Phd-er that this is a cult. And frankly, those you question the gospel will not reach nirvana.

But isn't that always the case?

Anyway, I'm re-attacking "Small is Beautiful" and my re-reading of various econ models through history in attempt to educate myself further and hopefully keep us balanced and on a more caring path. And to arm myself with some more coherent and logical arguments on why I dislike the current brand of economic thought being perpetuated rather that relying on the old “because they smell bad”.

Thoughts on sustaining sustainable living

For a long time I've considered trying to live a more eco-friendly life, which includes avoiding all-out consumerism. Now in our on place and in conjunction with the boy, we will try to live with a little more awareness. Today's article in the NYT's

(http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/22/garden/22impact.html?8dpc)

just reminded me of what we can do as urban dwellers, existing in our current, capitalist, consumer-oriented and globalised world. Everyone has to make their own choice as to what they can do and what they can give up. Like a diet and exercise, the key to me, is sustaining sustainability.

For us (the boy and me), we try not to use the car, taking public transport when possible or walking / scootering. We also try to minimise our shower times so as to reduce the amount of water we use. Same goes for washing dishes, brushing our teeth etc. We also actively recycle, not use heating extravagantly or air conditioning at all, and try to buy second hand when possible. None of these are amazing things and the steps still allow us to live our lives.

In terms of the 100 mile/250 mile radius rule, I don't know if I could give up spices honestly (though I could give up toilet paper) or eating out - food is central to my universe while things like shoes or toothpaste aren't. The image of the mason jar filled with veggies and cheese really freaked me out. While I'd like to eat more seasonally than I currently do, a life without ginger, garlic, chilli, cumin, onion and coriander seems very dismal.

I could not give up world travel for example. And so while airplane usage is one of the worst damagers of the environment, as a direct product of the airline industry and its role in globalisation, this particular point vexes me. I mean, my lifestyle growing up and moving around, which really allowed me all sorts of fabulous experiences, was thanks to the airlines. And the airlines - or the airplane - have allowed people like me to migrate with ease. On the other hand, I know that airplanes are such fuel guzzlers and I totally say yeah to the EU's carbon tax on airlines. So, while hyper-consumerism, which I find so prevalent in the US (and sadly more and more in India), very clearly leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I'm torn about how I feel about air travel - which to me is a world uniter (more than the UN). [Granted, we could see the world on a kontiki like raft but that isn't really viable for people with families spread around the globe and the passenger ships of today seem to be about offering las vegas like experiences on the sea - not that I'm dissing Vegas or all-you-can-eat midnight buffets.]

I can give up television and my cell phone - I've done both at different times of my life for months on end, without missing either. I could feasibly give up meat, though it would be a struggle. But, could I give up my computer or the internet? I think I'd be lost, but maybe like life sans TV, I'd easily adapt, manage, re-read old books and letters, write more by hand etc etc. So how sustainable can I be?

In the coming months, the boy and I (at my urging I suspect) are going to review our practices and see what else we can do...

one creative step at a time...

In an effort to focus on other things apart from my sorry state, I picked up this little yellow cabinet for $5 the other day and am using it as a dressing table. I also put some nails in the side and hung my jewelry off them...inside I'd like to put my art projects as they develop.


My next step is to decorate a branch and hang the rest of my numerous bracelets off it.


This little shrine to my attempts at art makes me really happy when I wake up in the morning, because it many ways, it is "my" corner. The cabinet, the decorations, the colour are all just "me".



This all doesn't seem complicated, right? But, for someone who could never colour in the lines and who draws a heart that looks like an upside down bum, its really quite a big jump for me...I have always dreamed of being a famous artist, but like being a famous singer, I kinda need at least an iota of talent to start.

Still, the US is the mother-land of (re) invention.

My upcoming project - my next step on the moon kinda thing is to try and alter a book. See modern gypsy's website on the altered page:
http://www.moderngypsy.com/green/alteredpage/index.html

Things I am thankful for and a break in sight

The boy has been particularly busy these past few days/week, as exams are looming. but the end is in sight and we are both excited for Spring Break - mentally filling it with tons of things we haven't been able to do so far. We did manage to go for a great hike on Saturday up to Topanga Canyon, which worked wonders for both of us - allowing the boy some space to vent his stress and providing me with some time to contemplate my marriage and my new life in LA (listening to Cesaria Evora on my ipod).

With my recent funk, everything has seemed darker and more negative than usual. I'd say, that while I am moody, I'm usually quite positive about my life and consider myself extremely lucky. I think I have been dealt a very good hand and have played it well enough. But the last few weeks have seen me question a lot of things and slowly hurt myself by my doubts. I totally gave in to the depression and couldn't see the bigger picture.

So here are some things I am really, and truly thankful for:

1. My parents - for their unstinting and constant love, their never-ending support and their principles of justice and equality for all - all of which have provide me with a secure saftey net; a strong framework within which every aspect of me was celebrated and nurtured, a sense of stability and support, which allowed for growth of self and the space and wings to fly and learn;

2. The boy - who is my partner, friend and lover and is so generous of spirit, his wallet, his mind and his heart;

3. My brother - who is turning 28 next week and is the best sibling around (granted also pretty damn intelligent and fun);

4. My godmother - who has always been like a second mother to me and is a good example of a beautiful and gentle soul in a cynical world;

5. The spirit and memory of my grandfather - this great guy who single handedly raised 3 wonderfully strong, intelligent and warm daughters (one of whom is my mother) and who really helped shape my core self and confidence through his love, wise words, his strength of character and his constant defense of the under dog;

6. My friends - old, new, family friends etc - how nice to have such a stimulating and caring extended family;

7. My in-laws for being good people with good hearts;

8. My sister-in-law to be - who is solid in personality and principles and will always look after my brother;

9. My life experiences - I've had the very blessed chance to travel the world, with my parents, with the boy, through my work and school, learn from some truly amazing and interesting people, eat fabulous food, enjoy sights and cities that are imprinted on my mind and live a life full of adventure and laughter;

10. My books - where would I have been without my books and reading? This must be one of the greatest gifts given to me by my family - all voracious readers. My books have transported me over the years to different places, made me ask questions, think through problems, deal with emotional issues and generally been good, loyal companions!

What the list above reminds me to do is to celebrate my life rather than let the weeks waste away in a morbid funk. I'm also reminded that what you give out is what you get - if I have a few months more before I can work, why not spend that time doing some volunteer work? I have always been committed to doing some volunteering on the side and the only time I stopped was in Brussels (partly because work took so much out of me and by its very nature allowed me to feel I was giving back). I should look into ESL teaching programmes run by the Church or community centres - that way I will get to work with migrants as well.

Come April and I promise to start building community here in LA!!! The first step is getting back my positive attitude and excitment for this new adventure!

Being an Urban Stepford Wife

I think I'm now almost an expert on the how to successfully become and be an Urban Stepford Wife (USW). There are of course some handicaps inflicted by living in an urban space, such as a lack of a garden, or a huge kitchen in which to cook 10-course meals. But, all you really need, apart from perseverance and good lighting, is tons of heavily chemicalised cleaning products, spaces to clean, an oven, cookie dough, heels and a skirt. A little, frilly apron helps as well.

Oh yes, and you need conviction that what you are doing really benefits the world, your marriage, your husband and God.

I'm a believer – why, just yesterday, after cleaning the kitchen and the two bathrooms, having made mint iced tea, dinner and done the laundry and finally truly lamenting the lack of a good vacuum cleaner, I felt like I'd transcended into a higher state of being. Of course, this could have just been thanks to the ton of chemicals I'd inhaled while on my knees, scrubbing the bath tube etc.

Being an USW allows one to not only carry out such mindless tasks daily, but to imbue them with a higher meaning – while all along living in a germ-free environment. I thank my lucky starts for giving me a chance to fulfill my-until-now, suppressed USW.

Getting to grips with life in LA

As I came out of my medical exam today - done very painlessly for the Green Card process - I started sobbing. Yes, in public, totally out of control. Thankfully, I had both a tissue at hand and my sunglasses to put on. This is the final wake up call to what seems to be 2 -3 weeks of solid depression. [I don't feel suicidal - I say this because my parents were worried by my silence - I've always been clear that I would never end my life because it would basically destroy too many other lives (my parents, my brother etc). But, I do feel the lowest that I've ever felt in my "almost" 32 years. ]

I expected to feel low with the move to LA and I was prepared for loneliness, lack of motivation etc but not this overwhelming sense of loss and constant questioning of all the decisions made in my life - where has this all come from? I think it’s a combination of feeling completely untethered from everything I've know recently. Yes, I have the boy, who tries his best to help, but he isn't really equipped to deal with other people's depression (to be fair - most people aren't good at handling either their or other's low swings). I think his response is all about action versus contemplation. I'm not ruling that out as the way to go... Anyway, through writing about this and simultaneously trying to "do" stuff, I hope to pull myself out of this funk. If I don't see an improvement in a month's time or if I see a further fall in a shorter span of time, I'll look into counseling.

Today's public and uncontrollable display of tears (and admittedly quite a lot of snot) really shocked me. My gym visits help a lot but I can't help but think that I really need to face and deal with the issues at hand and that however good I feel by running a few miles while listening to my ipod (my true saviour) is just a stop-gap cure.

What are the issues? Well, I think a loss of moorings - where am I? What have I done and what do I want to do? What do I want from this next phase in terms of emotional, physical and spiritual growth? What do I expect from the boy and what can I actually get in terms of emotional support and companionship? I've moved from being truly independent (as much as anyone is) to being dependent on one person for basically most of my needs. I don't have a social safety net and while arguably, I didn't have one on moving to either BRU or BUD or YVR or TO I had other multiple frameworks of reference (job, friends, purpose of move etc), which helped me develop a network around me very quickly. Also, while I landed here running, as I've done with other moves, this time around, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick out of the gate? I was so eager to suppress any low feelings (for the boy's sake as well as mine), that I just bottled everything and now it’s overflowing.

Here in LA I feel irrationally trapped. I also feel lost and unmoored. In many ways, my previous job was all that I had envisioned in terms of professional fulfillment - and I have no idea of what I want to do next - and what I can imagine, doesn't truly excite me (but does offer security and stability). I'm also in no-man's land in terms of what I expect as emotional or "love" goals. Ok, so now we are married, what next? How do we fill up the years - what new things can we discover about each other?

It's of course hard to be positive while feeling depressed and so even events or incidences that would normally give me hope, presently just create a minor blip on my radar. In this no man's land, my current compass is totally useless.

That I have to take back control of my life and emotions is obvious...just charting a way out is the difficult step.

Sigh...so much for landing running...I'm just hoping for standing up straight right now!

Becoming a commodity

Just got a link to some online photos via the boy's mother's friends (i.e., friends of my mother-in-law) who were at the wedding. And they are lovely. But in all the photos where I am present, the captions read..."the bride" or (let's call the boy 'MARVIN MANIFESTATION' for now), "Marvin's bride" and nowhere is my name mentioned!! I have now become a commodity, a belonging. I know those people mean no harm and I'm sure they are very nice but they are also so culturally separated from me that they see nothing wrong with wording the captions in such a manner. I'm sure they could look up the invite to get my name and really, all things considered, my name is very Indian and VERY easy to remember for Indians. But, basically, neither my name nor my independent identity are of any consequence any longer.

BTW, I have kept my last name and am surprised at how many people just assumed in writing us gift-checks that I would be Mrs. Frida Manifestation! Am I actually more freaked out than called for because I have always secretly suspected his clan of being inherently sexist and this is now further proof? [Though my own clan are hardly models of feminism and arguably only wear a superficial coating of gender equality.]

Or am I even more secretly unsure about my own sense of self and how I measure up to the boy and am actually scared about what I may become? That is, even if working and having my own career, willing to follow my husband anywhere - even when banished from the kingdom and forced to live in the forest for 14 years!! Is that what has taken place here - I self-banished from Brussels and am now in an urban jungle? Am I not my worst enemy? The boy has never asked anything of me but what I have given I've done so freely, imagining this is what I want.

Ok, I need fresh air - I'm going out to buy stuff for our friends arriving from YVR tomorrow. I understand R's determination to give her child her last name and I love her for it! There is something to the whole act of naming in the end.

Goa 2007

Photo of Char Minar, Hyderabad

Almost Valentines... and los angelinos...and fitting in

Well, it is almost Valentines Day 2007 and I get to spend it this year with the boy. We aren't really into V-Day - I find it all a bit teenagy and fabricated. But, it is a nice mid-week excuse this year to go out for dinner and hopefully we will be doing just that. As long as Evil E (economics) doesn't come in the way.

I've decided that I'm an Econ-widow and I'm sure there are quite a few of us - in fact, most must be suffering more than me. It is becoming imperative to get the green light to work and get a job - not really for financial reasons (as yet) but out of a sense of self preservation. My work was my main reference point - providing me with a space to socialise in, my support system and spring-board from which to build networks. I don't have that sort of support system here in LA and while I am managing for now, I'm just about floating. And work kept me intellectually awake (if not inspired at times).

I try to set myself little tasks every day so as to keep different facets of my persona alive. The one I fear slipping is my curiosity. I checked some books out of the UCLA library yesterday in an attempt to fuel my interest. And I decided that apart from my usual dose of fiction, I'd push myself during this 'easy' time to read stuff I don't really enjoy as much, such as poetry, literary critiscism and history. In a way I feel guilty for this "off" time and am veering on the side of being a bit masochistic. But, it's early days yet...

One interesting thing about LA is how nice people are - not the Vancouver sort of niceness, which was a bit boring, but instead an engaging easyness. Whenever one goes to bars, people come up and chat and they aren't weirdos, just friendly really. And for the most party they all seem well travelled. And while people are quite patient at stores and in lines, they aren't overly jolly but just 'cool'. I wonder if I'll continue to think this way about them in a few years.

Another thing, coke is pretty much done by a lot of people here. In NY, I knew people, who knew people who did coke (how sad does that sound?) and I was present at parties where a group may go off to do stuff, but it wasn't really visible all that much. At least in my (poor and innocent) circle. While here in LA, tons of people do it and some of the most surprising souls. And of course Brussels was innocence par excellence - sure, we'd heard that some assistants in the EP did coke regularly but no one was sure if that was really true or just an urban legend. And forget my circle in school or Canada. So all in all, its a bit of a surprise to find myself close to people doing coke at this stage of life (nearly 32). I'd understand weed and shrooms, but coke?? I sound naive, but it seems a bit harsh or somewhat "really serious" and "juvy"...

And not surprisingly, most people here seem generally very highly tuned into pop culture throughout - you can't really escape it (though the boy seems to have skipped it totally and is very proud of that fact) as most of the news is about the stars - and what I would consider gossip, is considered newsworthy, headline items here!!!! I always prided myself on being in the 'know' on pop cult stuff, but I realise I'm actually off the centre out here - I need to do a lot more internet surfing and tv watching, basically. Of course as I do that, the great amount of other news I used to follow is slipping by the wayside. Like, what is happening in the EU? What about Iraq? And other areas of the world (like Afghanistan, Lebanon, Thailand, Nepal)? The biggest news of the last two weeks as far as I can figure out is Anna Nicole Smith's death in a hotel room in Florida.

The fact is I don't fully fit here (as yet), but I'm not quite as bad as a square peg in a round hole though. Certainly not like being in Canada, where for the most part I felt like I was moving at a different speed than everyone else (10x faster basically). Overall, except for the glaring differences, I feel quite comfortable in LA - maybe its just that it is like NY, in the sense that it allows you to be who you want to be, within of course a particularly broad referential framework. So while I think I'll skip the whole coke craze, I'll definately buy into the working out thing, the constant restauranting, and the entertainment business if I can. Oh, and the engaged easyness!

7 years in couple-dom

Today is 7 years since the boy and I started going out - or to be exact - that fateful night on the couch in 208, East 13th street, NY, NY.

What would I say about our relationship today:

1. I'm shocked that we have made it here;
2. I'm glad we are together in our 30s;
3. I respect his instincts a lot and trust in his reading of situations;
4. I am still surprised by his trusting and giving nature - sometimes to the point of eyebrows being raised;
5. I like and admit that he knows me very well (not, as he claims, better than I know myself);
6. I like how we have both influenced each other in terms of our thoughts, our politics, our attitude to life, our habits and our cooking;
7. I would like us to grow more as a couple -- exploring more about ourselves together and our world - both in the sense of the local and the universal;
8. I wish we would avoid being as competitive with each other as we sometimes find ourselves to be;
9. I would like us to work on talking about our friends and families without getting defensive;
10. I'd like us to remain good friends through the coming years and continue to provide each other with support and treat each other with kindness and respect as we do now;
11. I really, truly hope we stay excited about life - with each other and as individuals; and
12. I hope we create a whole host of lovely new memories in the years ahead.

Will we be together for all eternity - who the hell knows? Will we always love each other? Maybe not! Will we stay faithful to our relationship - I hope so and if not, I hope the disloyalty is worth it - and it may be. You may notice that I don't ask for honesty - everyone has a different understanding of what this means and so it seems empty to ask your partner to "be honest".

I ask mainly for respect and kindness - even in a break up that is all I really want. No manipulative guilt - I wasn't brought up with those games and I don't want to be involved in them at this late point in my life.

I know there are quite a few things for me to work on - in relation to the boy but also in relation to my own well-being. For starters, I have to be stronger in character and know where and when to draw the line (politely). I fear being bulldozed by his side and by him and then reacting with anger after the bulldozing. I am now more aware of the bulldozers (post -wedding) and I have to be strong - even if that means not always being liked. I also have to be a better, quicker communicator - I tend to hold stuff to myself and then suddenly boil over, to the surprise and horror of all involved. I need to be more patient and accepting as well - so that if I don't understand or get a relationship, I still need to leave it be and respect it. I'm sure the boy doesn't understand all my relationships but he gives me space to pursue them.

Being back in the couple-fold after two + years away is difficult. I'm sure it is hard for him as well, as we will see this weekend when wants conflict with time etc. But, it is a re-learning process. I have to say that I really loved my time in Brussels and my independence - but I am happy (very happy) to be back in couple-dom in full form at this point, because if it had waited any longer, I would just not be able to do it again. However much one complains about being single/alone etc - there is great freedom within the state - and that can get really addictive.

There are many things I'd change about us, him, me, the past - both the singular and the collective, but que sera sera...here we are, seven years on, back in the US, just another coast, living together again. This is how the chips have fallen and we have to play with the pack dealt.

I just spoke to my mum and I think my practical, non-romantic tone is getting people down. The fact is I'm happy we got married and I'm happy we are sharing a space again, but I do miss Brussels and my old life. It will pass...but I'm not the sort to live on a cloud - I never have been (except maybe for those few weeks during the summer of 1993 and then again in 2000 and maybe recently in 2006) but overall I'm just not that glowing sort of gal...sorry.

Since we started dating the stuff that has remained constant about me:

1. My love for the Gypsy Kings, golden oldies, world music and sing-alongs of stuff like "those were the days";
2. My passion for reading (when I'm in a book, don't bother talking to me, please);
3. My gut-reaction to be pro-India/Indian;
4. My level of math (has not improved dating a Tamil);
5. My lack of curiosity in the physical explanations of how things work or their origins (refrigeration for example or where electricity comes from);
6. My level of neurosis and anxiety (almost constant amber alert); and
7. My (in)ability to fold clothes properly or chop garlic into miniscule pieces.

What has changed - thanks to the boy:

1. My appreciation for other music - broader listening interests into the 1990s and music of this century;
2. My ability to go with the flow and sometimes to even wing it;
3. An increase in my level of extrovertness, niceness and amount of smiling (I'm really a smiler now!);
4. My ability to deal with and talk myself out of my panic over everything and nothing;
5. My ability to laugh at myself and positively critique my surroundings (me, family, friends);
6. My loyalty - I think I've become a better friend and come to appreciate what friendship can offer - especially in terms of giving more;
7. My health factors - eating, working out, taking time out (balancing life - something you learn to need with a libra around); and
8. My love and understanding of Americans (and what makes them tick).

Overall, it’s been a good seven years run- especially in terms of growing as a person and growing by the side of a good person. A big thanks to the boy for being there and here’s to many more. Cheers.

Superbowl Sunday and blogging from LA

So, I'm in LA finally and watching the Superbowl - or not! My American self can only extend so far and Superbowl is over the limit - though I do watch the halftime show (this year Prince, as he is once again called, is performing) and I love the critique of the commercials. But no football...surprisingly, my parents are watching it this year eating wings and fries as so should we...

I have so much to write - the boy is cooking right now - he should be studying. I'm all flu-ish, I suspect it’s this bloody throat infection I haven't been able to fully rid myself off for the past month. I guess I should worry a bit more but it will pass.

We are in our new apartment. Let me just say for now that I'm so thrilled to have made it through the packing, goodbyes, unpacking, packing, pre-wedding, wedding, packing, good byes, unpacking, packing phase! Now only some last unpacking to do. I am taking a hiatus from travel of any sort - particularly on a plane. I'm so utterly sick of seeing the inside of my suitcase and living in the same set of clothes. No more I say! No more - I'm here to stay (hopefully).

The wedding was huge - it just seemed to go on and on - though it was fun. Much more fun than expected actually. The pre-wedding tensions and traumas were unbearable and I missed Ruth's sweet counseling and the Brussels girls breaking it all down for me. I would advise against weddings in general - now that I'm on the other side. We have tons and tons of photos of what turned out to be a week extravaganza. Ok, ok, it was fun in the end! I have to admit I danced a lot and the food and drinks and music in all locations were perfect - though like all parties, when someone else is host, all the better. And I can't wait for my bro's wedding though - I have a new respect for couples going through the process.

More on the wedding as I process it and my 6+weeks stay in India!

What about LA - I still feel as if I'm here on one of my weeklong breaks, though I'm not! I do like our new apt - it overlooks the freeway (405) - the only drawback. It is surprisingly nice for being university housing - actually it is much, much nicer than what we could have got otherwise. Let's see how it all transpires. This is married student housing and everyone here is either a single parent, or married, most with kids. The boy and I seem somewhat out of place but I'm sure we will make friends or at least get to know our neighbours. One thing is that there are tons of foreign students here and I suspect that people often think we are that (ok, I am but I'm not that sort of foreigner - I have lived in the US for years!) especially as we are two brown people - and the only other brown couples seem like Indian graduate students and their spouses.

One aspect of people thinking you are a foreigner (only happens when we are dealing with university officials linked to the housing and hence my suspicion that they think we are new to the country) is that they speak verrrrry slowly and LOUDLY. Like the lady (our housing coordinator) who handed us the keys and the guy who came to install a new thermostat. In the case of the housing lady, we were informed that if our parents came for a visit, while the maximum stay for guest is 7 days, if we wrote in an exception could be made and our parents could stay longer - up to 2-3 months as the university was aware that when people traveled all that distance it usually is for a longer trip. All this was said very slowly and loudly with a lot of eye contact and implicit cultural understanding. I think we visibly gagged - the boy pointed out his parents live in WV and mine in GA and they probably would stay a MAX of 7 days if at all (with the implicit understanding that if they stayed longer there would be blood - his, mine, theirs?)!

I'm not offended, it just tires me out. On the streets I'm just another American - Indian or Latina maybe. The other thing that tires me out - but I won't rant about this now - is that because we are married (a given hence the housing), all the university folks say things to me like, "ask your husband about this" or "your husband will know what I'm talking about". Will he?
Hmmmphh...

I will post some photos soon - I have a camera now - thanks to my brother and L's generosity (it's their hand-me down but lovely). I also have a gym membership and plan on working out regularly. And yes, I have a public husband now. How strange!

On a last note, I really miss my friends in Brussels - the work crew, the girlz, the flatmate, and other pals and of course my neighbourhood. Maybe one day we will be back in Europe.