Becoming a commodity

Just got a link to some online photos via the boy's mother's friends (i.e., friends of my mother-in-law) who were at the wedding. And they are lovely. But in all the photos where I am present, the captions read..."the bride" or (let's call the boy 'MARVIN MANIFESTATION' for now), "Marvin's bride" and nowhere is my name mentioned!! I have now become a commodity, a belonging. I know those people mean no harm and I'm sure they are very nice but they are also so culturally separated from me that they see nothing wrong with wording the captions in such a manner. I'm sure they could look up the invite to get my name and really, all things considered, my name is very Indian and VERY easy to remember for Indians. But, basically, neither my name nor my independent identity are of any consequence any longer.

BTW, I have kept my last name and am surprised at how many people just assumed in writing us gift-checks that I would be Mrs. Frida Manifestation! Am I actually more freaked out than called for because I have always secretly suspected his clan of being inherently sexist and this is now further proof? [Though my own clan are hardly models of feminism and arguably only wear a superficial coating of gender equality.]

Or am I even more secretly unsure about my own sense of self and how I measure up to the boy and am actually scared about what I may become? That is, even if working and having my own career, willing to follow my husband anywhere - even when banished from the kingdom and forced to live in the forest for 14 years!! Is that what has taken place here - I self-banished from Brussels and am now in an urban jungle? Am I not my worst enemy? The boy has never asked anything of me but what I have given I've done so freely, imagining this is what I want.

Ok, I need fresh air - I'm going out to buy stuff for our friends arriving from YVR tomorrow. I understand R's determination to give her child her last name and I love her for it! There is something to the whole act of naming in the end.

Goa 2007

Photo of Char Minar, Hyderabad

Almost Valentines... and los angelinos...and fitting in

Well, it is almost Valentines Day 2007 and I get to spend it this year with the boy. We aren't really into V-Day - I find it all a bit teenagy and fabricated. But, it is a nice mid-week excuse this year to go out for dinner and hopefully we will be doing just that. As long as Evil E (economics) doesn't come in the way.

I've decided that I'm an Econ-widow and I'm sure there are quite a few of us - in fact, most must be suffering more than me. It is becoming imperative to get the green light to work and get a job - not really for financial reasons (as yet) but out of a sense of self preservation. My work was my main reference point - providing me with a space to socialise in, my support system and spring-board from which to build networks. I don't have that sort of support system here in LA and while I am managing for now, I'm just about floating. And work kept me intellectually awake (if not inspired at times).

I try to set myself little tasks every day so as to keep different facets of my persona alive. The one I fear slipping is my curiosity. I checked some books out of the UCLA library yesterday in an attempt to fuel my interest. And I decided that apart from my usual dose of fiction, I'd push myself during this 'easy' time to read stuff I don't really enjoy as much, such as poetry, literary critiscism and history. In a way I feel guilty for this "off" time and am veering on the side of being a bit masochistic. But, it's early days yet...

One interesting thing about LA is how nice people are - not the Vancouver sort of niceness, which was a bit boring, but instead an engaging easyness. Whenever one goes to bars, people come up and chat and they aren't weirdos, just friendly really. And for the most party they all seem well travelled. And while people are quite patient at stores and in lines, they aren't overly jolly but just 'cool'. I wonder if I'll continue to think this way about them in a few years.

Another thing, coke is pretty much done by a lot of people here. In NY, I knew people, who knew people who did coke (how sad does that sound?) and I was present at parties where a group may go off to do stuff, but it wasn't really visible all that much. At least in my (poor and innocent) circle. While here in LA, tons of people do it and some of the most surprising souls. And of course Brussels was innocence par excellence - sure, we'd heard that some assistants in the EP did coke regularly but no one was sure if that was really true or just an urban legend. And forget my circle in school or Canada. So all in all, its a bit of a surprise to find myself close to people doing coke at this stage of life (nearly 32). I'd understand weed and shrooms, but coke?? I sound naive, but it seems a bit harsh or somewhat "really serious" and "juvy"...

And not surprisingly, most people here seem generally very highly tuned into pop culture throughout - you can't really escape it (though the boy seems to have skipped it totally and is very proud of that fact) as most of the news is about the stars - and what I would consider gossip, is considered newsworthy, headline items here!!!! I always prided myself on being in the 'know' on pop cult stuff, but I realise I'm actually off the centre out here - I need to do a lot more internet surfing and tv watching, basically. Of course as I do that, the great amount of other news I used to follow is slipping by the wayside. Like, what is happening in the EU? What about Iraq? And other areas of the world (like Afghanistan, Lebanon, Thailand, Nepal)? The biggest news of the last two weeks as far as I can figure out is Anna Nicole Smith's death in a hotel room in Florida.

The fact is I don't fully fit here (as yet), but I'm not quite as bad as a square peg in a round hole though. Certainly not like being in Canada, where for the most part I felt like I was moving at a different speed than everyone else (10x faster basically). Overall, except for the glaring differences, I feel quite comfortable in LA - maybe its just that it is like NY, in the sense that it allows you to be who you want to be, within of course a particularly broad referential framework. So while I think I'll skip the whole coke craze, I'll definately buy into the working out thing, the constant restauranting, and the entertainment business if I can. Oh, and the engaged easyness!

7 years in couple-dom

Today is 7 years since the boy and I started going out - or to be exact - that fateful night on the couch in 208, East 13th street, NY, NY.

What would I say about our relationship today:

1. I'm shocked that we have made it here;
2. I'm glad we are together in our 30s;
3. I respect his instincts a lot and trust in his reading of situations;
4. I am still surprised by his trusting and giving nature - sometimes to the point of eyebrows being raised;
5. I like and admit that he knows me very well (not, as he claims, better than I know myself);
6. I like how we have both influenced each other in terms of our thoughts, our politics, our attitude to life, our habits and our cooking;
7. I would like us to grow more as a couple -- exploring more about ourselves together and our world - both in the sense of the local and the universal;
8. I wish we would avoid being as competitive with each other as we sometimes find ourselves to be;
9. I would like us to work on talking about our friends and families without getting defensive;
10. I'd like us to remain good friends through the coming years and continue to provide each other with support and treat each other with kindness and respect as we do now;
11. I really, truly hope we stay excited about life - with each other and as individuals; and
12. I hope we create a whole host of lovely new memories in the years ahead.

Will we be together for all eternity - who the hell knows? Will we always love each other? Maybe not! Will we stay faithful to our relationship - I hope so and if not, I hope the disloyalty is worth it - and it may be. You may notice that I don't ask for honesty - everyone has a different understanding of what this means and so it seems empty to ask your partner to "be honest".

I ask mainly for respect and kindness - even in a break up that is all I really want. No manipulative guilt - I wasn't brought up with those games and I don't want to be involved in them at this late point in my life.

I know there are quite a few things for me to work on - in relation to the boy but also in relation to my own well-being. For starters, I have to be stronger in character and know where and when to draw the line (politely). I fear being bulldozed by his side and by him and then reacting with anger after the bulldozing. I am now more aware of the bulldozers (post -wedding) and I have to be strong - even if that means not always being liked. I also have to be a better, quicker communicator - I tend to hold stuff to myself and then suddenly boil over, to the surprise and horror of all involved. I need to be more patient and accepting as well - so that if I don't understand or get a relationship, I still need to leave it be and respect it. I'm sure the boy doesn't understand all my relationships but he gives me space to pursue them.

Being back in the couple-fold after two + years away is difficult. I'm sure it is hard for him as well, as we will see this weekend when wants conflict with time etc. But, it is a re-learning process. I have to say that I really loved my time in Brussels and my independence - but I am happy (very happy) to be back in couple-dom in full form at this point, because if it had waited any longer, I would just not be able to do it again. However much one complains about being single/alone etc - there is great freedom within the state - and that can get really addictive.

There are many things I'd change about us, him, me, the past - both the singular and the collective, but que sera sera...here we are, seven years on, back in the US, just another coast, living together again. This is how the chips have fallen and we have to play with the pack dealt.

I just spoke to my mum and I think my practical, non-romantic tone is getting people down. The fact is I'm happy we got married and I'm happy we are sharing a space again, but I do miss Brussels and my old life. It will pass...but I'm not the sort to live on a cloud - I never have been (except maybe for those few weeks during the summer of 1993 and then again in 2000 and maybe recently in 2006) but overall I'm just not that glowing sort of gal...sorry.

Since we started dating the stuff that has remained constant about me:

1. My love for the Gypsy Kings, golden oldies, world music and sing-alongs of stuff like "those were the days";
2. My passion for reading (when I'm in a book, don't bother talking to me, please);
3. My gut-reaction to be pro-India/Indian;
4. My level of math (has not improved dating a Tamil);
5. My lack of curiosity in the physical explanations of how things work or their origins (refrigeration for example or where electricity comes from);
6. My level of neurosis and anxiety (almost constant amber alert); and
7. My (in)ability to fold clothes properly or chop garlic into miniscule pieces.

What has changed - thanks to the boy:

1. My appreciation for other music - broader listening interests into the 1990s and music of this century;
2. My ability to go with the flow and sometimes to even wing it;
3. An increase in my level of extrovertness, niceness and amount of smiling (I'm really a smiler now!);
4. My ability to deal with and talk myself out of my panic over everything and nothing;
5. My ability to laugh at myself and positively critique my surroundings (me, family, friends);
6. My loyalty - I think I've become a better friend and come to appreciate what friendship can offer - especially in terms of giving more;
7. My health factors - eating, working out, taking time out (balancing life - something you learn to need with a libra around); and
8. My love and understanding of Americans (and what makes them tick).

Overall, it’s been a good seven years run- especially in terms of growing as a person and growing by the side of a good person. A big thanks to the boy for being there and here’s to many more. Cheers.

Superbowl Sunday and blogging from LA

So, I'm in LA finally and watching the Superbowl - or not! My American self can only extend so far and Superbowl is over the limit - though I do watch the halftime show (this year Prince, as he is once again called, is performing) and I love the critique of the commercials. But no football...surprisingly, my parents are watching it this year eating wings and fries as so should we...

I have so much to write - the boy is cooking right now - he should be studying. I'm all flu-ish, I suspect it’s this bloody throat infection I haven't been able to fully rid myself off for the past month. I guess I should worry a bit more but it will pass.

We are in our new apartment. Let me just say for now that I'm so thrilled to have made it through the packing, goodbyes, unpacking, packing, pre-wedding, wedding, packing, good byes, unpacking, packing phase! Now only some last unpacking to do. I am taking a hiatus from travel of any sort - particularly on a plane. I'm so utterly sick of seeing the inside of my suitcase and living in the same set of clothes. No more I say! No more - I'm here to stay (hopefully).

The wedding was huge - it just seemed to go on and on - though it was fun. Much more fun than expected actually. The pre-wedding tensions and traumas were unbearable and I missed Ruth's sweet counseling and the Brussels girls breaking it all down for me. I would advise against weddings in general - now that I'm on the other side. We have tons and tons of photos of what turned out to be a week extravaganza. Ok, ok, it was fun in the end! I have to admit I danced a lot and the food and drinks and music in all locations were perfect - though like all parties, when someone else is host, all the better. And I can't wait for my bro's wedding though - I have a new respect for couples going through the process.

More on the wedding as I process it and my 6+weeks stay in India!

What about LA - I still feel as if I'm here on one of my weeklong breaks, though I'm not! I do like our new apt - it overlooks the freeway (405) - the only drawback. It is surprisingly nice for being university housing - actually it is much, much nicer than what we could have got otherwise. Let's see how it all transpires. This is married student housing and everyone here is either a single parent, or married, most with kids. The boy and I seem somewhat out of place but I'm sure we will make friends or at least get to know our neighbours. One thing is that there are tons of foreign students here and I suspect that people often think we are that (ok, I am but I'm not that sort of foreigner - I have lived in the US for years!) especially as we are two brown people - and the only other brown couples seem like Indian graduate students and their spouses.

One aspect of people thinking you are a foreigner (only happens when we are dealing with university officials linked to the housing and hence my suspicion that they think we are new to the country) is that they speak verrrrry slowly and LOUDLY. Like the lady (our housing coordinator) who handed us the keys and the guy who came to install a new thermostat. In the case of the housing lady, we were informed that if our parents came for a visit, while the maximum stay for guest is 7 days, if we wrote in an exception could be made and our parents could stay longer - up to 2-3 months as the university was aware that when people traveled all that distance it usually is for a longer trip. All this was said very slowly and loudly with a lot of eye contact and implicit cultural understanding. I think we visibly gagged - the boy pointed out his parents live in WV and mine in GA and they probably would stay a MAX of 7 days if at all (with the implicit understanding that if they stayed longer there would be blood - his, mine, theirs?)!

I'm not offended, it just tires me out. On the streets I'm just another American - Indian or Latina maybe. The other thing that tires me out - but I won't rant about this now - is that because we are married (a given hence the housing), all the university folks say things to me like, "ask your husband about this" or "your husband will know what I'm talking about". Will he?
Hmmmphh...

I will post some photos soon - I have a camera now - thanks to my brother and L's generosity (it's their hand-me down but lovely). I also have a gym membership and plan on working out regularly. And yes, I have a public husband now. How strange!

On a last note, I really miss my friends in Brussels - the work crew, the girlz, the flatmate, and other pals and of course my neighbourhood. Maybe one day we will be back in Europe.