Victoria's oh so boring Secret and my oh so boring Syndrome

Last week I found out that I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome. I sort of knew I did...but I sort of forgot, after being diagnosed of it over 15 years ago and having been on the pill for so many years, that it all seemed a distant memory.

I was surprised on how this news knocked me - basically, because 15 years ago, it just meant going on the pill. Now, at age 33 and counting, it means a propensity towards diabetes, a number of physical symptoms (hair loss, acne, heavy periods, weight gain etc)and (what really took the wind out of my sails), a likely chance of infertility.

So, in feeling distinctly unfeminine, because as we PCOS sufferers know (we have our own purple and blue band to wear to show solidarity), what our body is really doing is producing more testosterone than necessary, I stopped of at Victori's Secret on my way home from the doctor's.

And boy, was I disappointed - and the only secret I seemed to be sharing in was how sad that this is what the country has come to, that underwear is purely functional, all padded with foam bras, only whispers of lace, and dishwater colours? And as I stood around the browns, blacks and whites (bras that is, without a saucy red or raunchy fuschia, or even a slinky purple in sight), I realised that like the badly made, terribly boring, underwear (NOT lingerie, this really can't be called lingerie), I was bieng confronted with, my own news was, well, kinda dull and boring. To get depressed over the lack of cute and sexy bra-panty sets was equivalent to getting depressed about my ovaries over-producing boy hormones - life and choices were still available to me and I just had to pull myself out of my funk.

Now, a few days on a I feel a lot better. Fertilitiy shermtility...as a child, I always imagined adopting, because I felt there was some unspoken vanity in believing your offspring could be better than others, just based on gene combos. And I've always been resentful that I have this biological clock ticking over me - in fact a possibility of infertility sets me free in a funny way. If there is any vanity I may flirt with in terms of children, its in the rearing vs the bearing. I would like to think my children will grow up balanced and caring of the earth and others, animals included.

As for the derth of sexy knickers available in VS, I'm consoled my self with thinking I can stock up on my upcoming euro-trip...and the knowledge, that like fertility, I can finally free myself of VS and its pink stuffed ponies - hopefully moving on to bigger and better things.

Mugabe, heat waves, euro 2008, joy and mango ice cream

1. Mugabe: why or why can't we get him out. The hypocrisy of the SA gvt, (well Mbeki, really, because even that thug Zuma has spoken out against the ex-knight) urging the west (read ex-colonials) to stay away has filled me with anger - where would the anti-apartheid movement have gone if the rest of the world (read ex-colonial powers) hadn't boycotted SA - thanks to popular pressure. What happened to "gimme hope Jo'anna", huh? The 400 poor opposition folks congregating around the SA embassy in Harare should start doing that pretty soon...

Let's just give a shout out the union folks in SA, who did stand up, and who refused to unload the Chinese ship, caring arms to Mugabe.

2. Heat waves - OMG!! My bus is packed these days with ex-car drivers who realized that gas prices are just going to keep going up...of course bus ethics will have to be taught to this new generation...but now with the days blasting heat, all the AC in the world can't get rid of that good ol' body odour of public transport. At least most folks use deodorant in the US ...I don't mean to say anything snide about anti-anti-perspirant societies...well, I can't really, because it is hard to talk and hold your nose at the same time and breath out of your mouth.

I'm happy the sun is continuously out in LA, but on Sat, after a marathon (and may we say, very successful) trip to Ikea in Burbank (which is in the Valley and is literally, half a world away from our West LA hood), I told the boy flat out that I couldn't wait for the monsoons to hit. Sadly, there won't be any monsoons, and probably not even a shower or two - yes, you heard be correctly, after years in London, Vancouver and Brussels, I am asking and praying for rain. I know, I'm sick.

3. Euro Cup 2008 Semi Finals. Was at gym. Was mesmerized. Wished for Turkey victory so badly. Was too chicken to cheer for them with all the LA-Armenians around. Result: loss for Turkey, great day off for all the German auto workers. Beers and bratwurst all round - with extra pork!

4. JOY - my friend joy should be performing in Istanbul right now...but no, no I'm actually talking about the total joy of working from home, not doing that damn commute, not being stressed out by work (though I'm in a new campaign - already - and leading it supposedly), getting to go the gym, cooking dinner etc.

Made me realize I HAVE to start looking now for something new for post Sept. Though, staying at the might, mighty union will allow me to work on the Obama campaign and get paid in October...that vs general well being, joy and sanity...hmmmm...and of course my crush on Obama...

5. A recipe from my mother-in-law for mango ice cream (for those of you who just love mango or have your own damn heat wave):

1 cup Mango puree ( canned mango pulp from Indian Store)
1 carton Cool Whip
1 can condensed milk
1 can evaporated milk.
Mix the above, freeze a few hrs!!

Eat and be lifted to the Mango ice cream heaven.

An Eighties Song for Every Moment of Life

Work is intense and low-wage member do not equal glamour (which, I admittedly I got a taste of in Brussels - between crazy dinners with Azeri generals, to rating embassy cocktail parties with S, to well, travel on an international level and drinking in bars in the shadow of the EU parliament).

But, sometime there is a shiny little piece of gold in every trawl...in this particular case it is working with a really funny guy, a young progressive, straight, meat eating, alchohol drinking, South Asian male, with a cool masters, who is considered by many as a unicorn (ie., such a rarity, a creature only legend talks of). No sexual tension - don't worry - very, very sister/brother. It's just that I realize he is of a special breed...

He cracks me up on a daily basis and has an 80s song for every dull / painful / exhausting moment of the day. And we three other researchers (older white, vietnamese-american and south asian women) love him to bits, 'cos frankly, the 80s are our time, and we would sing its songs if we could (1) sing as well; and (2) remember the lyrics.

It has been a long, long time that someone has made me laugh this way... and it feels good to be in a work space where I feel comfortable and can be myself. It was what I really wanted from my LA job- knowing that of all the things I was leaving behind in Brussels, that is what I would miss the most.

So, thank you to the universe for making that happen. When I finish a long day at work in downtown LA, and head home to the white west-side for some good wine and an episode of LOST, or when I think about about our membership, whose life is truly shit in so many ways, and realise how different and lovely my immigrant story is, or when I wonder, how the F**K did I end up in LA of all places, I think "lets hear it for the boy":-) And I mean, my boy.

On a bloody daily basis I sing"she works hard for the money" and my actual theme song: Morning Train (9 to5) by Sheana Easton, which starts "I wake up every morning and stumble out of bed, a stretching and yawning.." you get the picture.

In essence, I'd like to thank the 80s for music, memories and well, so much more that shouldn't really be posted (I was 13 in 1988...)

As a child of that era, certain songs just trigger deep, deep memories. If forced to name a top 10 based on my feelings right now and my exhaustion (and old age), I'd go for:

1. Lady in Red (makes me cry for a particular moment- dancing with Clayton the best dancer I have ever had the pleasure of dancing with)

2. Hotel California (makes me wonder at the bravery of being young - Indian ocean breeze and bandra)

3. Chain Reaction (reminds me of my one and only crush - Stewart Gordon and at the same time my first and only pet Sooty, the black magical cat)

4.Billie Jean (sitting on the swings in Neptune, Gisy and I arguing over the meaning and quoting older sources - Cheryl etc.)

5. Wake me up before you go-go (pure convent school - sitting by the basket ball courts, discussing who was better - George or Andrew)

6. Back to Life (smoking my first cigarrette with Nilima behind a wall off Baker Street, my first summer in London)

7. I just died in your arms (watching music videos for the first time - New Delhi - knowing there was a whole world out there)

7. Let's Dance (pure youth and a time when I LOVED and dreamed of David Bowie)

8. Karma Chameleon (holidaying in London with my oh so cool older cousins and being told that Boy George was not a woman, and eating ice cream with a cadbury flake stuck in it)

9. The only way is up (that one weekend in the country, pretending I was english and indulging in some very wet snogging)

10. Girls Just Want to Have Fun (YOUTH and dreaming of life in the western world)

As with English food, I will defend 80s music to the end...I'll spare you my ode to steak and kidney pie and sticky toffee pudding...

The End is Near...

I've been working 14-15 hour days for the last 2+ weeks, and some weekend thrown in there as well. Sometime last week I was informed this hell may go on through May. I nearly cried in anguish - right there - over my glass of red wine - slipping off my bar stool. But, it seems as if things will be ok (here comes the sunshine) and May, while no walk in the garden, won't be as terrible as the past weeks. Having said that, now 11 hour days a normal and coming home by 9 pm on a Friday is a reason to celebrate.

Having bitched about the above, I should say the following:

1. I secretly enjoy working long hours - I'm not sure if this is a sign of me running away from something, running to something or just generally running around...but I like the spirit that comes from all of us crammed in an office, high on coffee, churning stuff out and flipping a coin to see who should go pick up the take out food. I also like the post-brutish-hours drinks with colleague/friends.

2. I thrive on the intense rush of deadlines - I feel more focused and clear about what I have to do. My mind races (mainly due to caffeine overload) and my heart thumps at a nice, quick pace and I feel terribly energized.

3. I am awfully bored if I don't feel engaged in my work, which usually means, slogging through meetings, brainstorming on stuff, pulling long nights, pushing myself and complaining about work. I'm not a 9-5-er and while I dream of being so, I've altered even my most mundane jobs to be more intense (take Cadbury's Legal in Toronto, where I ended up pulling long nights with S, when I was in truth a temp, and could leave anytime after 5 pm).

So, WHY? WHY? WHY? I've been talking to B about this a lot as she feels the same pull. I think I just like the feeling of being depended upon or part of the "in" team or just needed... the thing is as I get older, and I become more aware of myself holistically, I need time away from work. While my practices have stayed the same, I'm slowly changing and I actually am becoming more sane/balanced/lazy/conscious of life etc etc.

Here is what I miss doing and have to find the time and space to do (and frankly realise that I can't pull such insane hours for long any more!):

1. Writing in my gratitude journal
2. Having long conversations with my girlfriends on the phone
3. Reading - consuming books
4. Spending time with friends and the boy (quality time, vs wild dashes in and out for a drink)
5. Meditating
6. Working out at the gym
7. Cooking meals at home

I think this means I'm maturing - work is often about the ego, and I hope I'm realising it is time to put the ego away - or at least diminish its influence on my dailing life...the end is near dear ego!!! Watch out!

My baby came down from Romania...disko, disko partizani!!

As an ode to of one of my favourite movies...Black Cat, White Cat...a little music reminding me of happy times and for a little Monday cheer -

DJ Shantel's Disko Partizani...no more need be said...one of my favourite songs of the moment (thanks dearest Joy!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gViaOYgV8yI

Aah, a Birthday approaches...

I turn 33 tomorrow. It seems amazing to me that another Birthday has appeared - so suddenly in fact, though I know it comes around every year. I love Birthday's - mine, one's belonging to people I love and care for, colleagues' (for the 4 pm cake!!) and just the idea of birth and re-birth.

Turning 30 was a big milestone for me and something I'd looked forward too for years - the boy warned me not to be disappointed - and in the end- I was FAR from disappointed. It was a glorious birthday and the start to an even more glorious year! I brought in that year in an Indian restaurant in Brussels, near Porte de Namur, at a big table with all my friends - and I remember it in detail - Bully Bully had just returned from Mali, David was late as usual, Caro had come out with me for the first time and we were just getting to know each other, Sarah was there, and so was Nicola. A lovely cake from the bakery down the road was on hand . We were a loud, riotous bunch, and we had so much fun!

And 31, was in Brussels as well, dancing up a storm with the same bunch of folks and some others. My anglo gfs and I celebrated en-masse - and there is one poignant photos of Caro, Barb and Elinor - with Roe looking on - that is an all time favourite! My dear gf Ang had flown in as well for the occasion, and speaking to her today, brought back the warmth we share and our connections from Vancouver days!

Some of my closest girlfriends and guy friends (who are like my girls!) have been present at both these events. Which makes me think back very fondly of the surprise party thrown for me by my closest gf, the boy and my brother (we all know, P did all the work) for my 25th in NY. Again, some of the dearest people in my life were there to celebrate. And god, was I in a bad temper that evening or what - refusing to walk up to the bar (where all my guests were waiting to shout "surprise" at me).

Last year, was my first year in LA and the boy's friends really adopted me and held a little dinner to celebrate. It was lovely, but I felt lost - lost without my extended family, lost in the vagaries of a new land, and lost within my own life. I had no job, no stable space, no idea of whether I was staying or going. I just missed Brussels so badly and missed my friends and my life prior to marriage. I remember smiling but not being fully cheered when one of the friends brought me a box of belgian chocolates and a big belgian beer to make me feel at home. How sweet! I was surrounded by love - yes, granted people who love me through extension of loving the boy- but I couldn't really see any of it. I just felt so alone!

This year, I'm busy at work and on antibiotics with a flu. Work will probably have cake for me - I really enjoy being there, though we are worked to the bone- but I got what I wanted, which was a nice, interesting and friendly environment. The boy and I may go for a quiet dinner and then celebrate on Sunday with his surprise gift...many of those friends from last year, his friends, have become close to me as well. I'm now a full resident in the US, I know LA more and more everyday. We are thinking of moving closer to the beach. I have to find a dentist. This Friday my work friends and I will go out for drinks at the little (fabulous) Mexican place opposite us, and drink $2 tequila sunrises. On Saturday, we'll meet up with the folks who are now "our friends" and go out for drinks or dinner. And my life in LA will be set further in stone. Two Birthdays in this place...in this marriage and in this life.

As this Birthday (with its auspicious 3s) approaches, there are two things I have to face:

1. I miss my pals badly- we are all spread out all over the world and we get together for weddings at most it seems. And as we all get married off, that is becoming less and less frequent! I have more than 3 dear friends in NY and can't even make it over there for a weekend trip! I'd like to suggest that Birthdays start to take on more prominence, and that in celebrating them we remember youth and new beginnings, along with old friendships and golden memories. The years start to flash by so quickly, and if we don't stop from time to time to celebrate life, then what is the point in living?

In so much I want the above, I have to make it happen. I have to take on the organizer role or at least the initiator of the idea...

2. It is time to put the past to bed...maybe this is the hardest. I also really miss aspects of my other life, my more international life. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that this, what I am living in, is just a phase, except as time goes on, I'm less and less sure, what would come after this phase. I can't go back, and don't want to either, and am unsure what I want for the future. Basically, this step would mean, recalling the past fondly, but very surely relegating the past to where it should be - an enjoyable memory, but not a gaping hole in one's daily existence. I think the best gift I can give myself this Birthday, is a return to passion and a vision for the future - a map to guide me along the way. That 'other' life is over -- I chose to give it up, no one forced me. And, if I look carefully, I don't know if I really want it back.

Maybe, in celebrating quietly this year, what I should be doing is celebrating how far I've come and finding joy in my present - in this place, in this marriage and in this life.

Vampire Weekend

I'm late for the farmers' market...yikes...I love my late mornings, but I need to run today...

Just wanted to say that thebest band around right now is VAMPIRE WEEKEND. They are very NPR-esque, and I think I first heard them on KCRW...they are boys out of NY singing some good, funky stuff with a west african beat...and I think one is Parsi...

Anyway, I love them and Oxford Comma and Mansard Roof just get me dancing and happy.

Like meeting and clicking with new friends, being introduced to or finding new music is such a pleasure...at moments you feel like you are too old for new stuff and then you turn the street corner...of course, like old friends, old music has as special place in one's heart. I attach songs to most of my friends and they evoke some special memories of our times together. I have a special Brussels' mix that I think I'm going to make for friends...in fact, a few months ago, N (who is now in Mali), sent us a link to a Madonna song with a note that it reminded him of us at Le Presidente...and I nearly cried through my laughter, with the strong feelings / memories that resurfaced. How lovely!!

If I have one strong feeling that is little explored, it would be nostalgia...inherited from my dad!

Enjoy the clips...tell me if you do...http://www.vampireweekend.com/music.php

one more thing to be grateful for....LOST

Yes, I just want to say, I'm grateful that I have followed LOST for years, because it really is just fabulous and not a single episode is ever disappointing!! True, there are some episodes better than others, and yes, Season II was not super jazzy...but hello, how in the world did we live lives with meaning, sans Sawyer, Kate and Mike entering our homes every Thursday? What about being introduced to as deranged and yet magnetic a character as Ben? And what was life really like (empty, empty, empty!) without that fabulous episode this season, where we see Sayid pretty much naked in bed!! For LOST, I will stay up till 11 pm on Thursdays come April 24th. For LOST I will keep TV in my house ...ok, I'm not really ever getting rid of it, but I just wanted to express my love of the show!

Wasn't it just yesterday that I posted...

I can't believe my last post was BEFORE I started work!! All I can say is that I'm in no danger of this happening to me: In Web World of 24/7 Stress, Writers Blog Till They Drop !!

So work has been all consuming - I'm working with as a research analyst in a "mighty, mighty" union, one that is politically very strong and vibrant. It is an exciting place and my department and work is thought provoking... still it is a socialist organisation though...people make reference to "the enemies of the working class" with a straight face (and not as in quoting a Soviet movie or Dr. Zhivago), as well as often referring to being dedicated to the "struggle". In fact, my contract states that my job is more than just a job and is part of the struggle. Yes, they use that word in my contract!!!!!

Oh and one of my closest friends at work is a neo-marxist ...I know, a real live neo-marxist. Please don't ask me to explain what that means...I remember something from comparative literature theory about neo-marxists but mainly about how they analyze textual matter, in my class' case, modern European fiction and movies.

I should note here that my neo-marxist friend, watched "The Namesake" and was appalled at the class based didactics and assumptions. I watched The Namesake too and read only love and loss into the movie...as you can see, my own dedication to the struggle is somewhat weak, and I think I am suspect of being a bit of a capitalist.

Having said that, I really, really like the people I work with and respect them, especially my research buddies, as colleagues. These are some extremely bright people from Standford, Duke, Harvard, and Princeton, who have chosen to fight for a cause and make a difference in the world. I also like how our union is moving forward and being part of big change within the labor movement. In true irony though, globalization, that inherently capitalist beast, is making Marx's idea of a global labor struggle a reality.

Anyway, work is great and I'm becoming/feeling part of Los Angeles and CA more and more. I have other issues in my life, but I realized that maybe I'm just one of those people who always has to be in turmoil about something or constantly searching for something else.

But, I don't want to go into such blah details...I do want to write though about gratitude...

2008 has become a year of growth for me - internal spiritual growth and a serious time to envision my future. Yeah, I know, it is a little late, as I near 33 to suddenly realise I should be seriously envisioning a life path, when over 10 years ago my friend Joy first introduced me to the idea of creating my vision (and I, an even more flippant young-un, remember thinking that another ice cold beer was what I was really envisioning at that moment!)

One of my steps has been to keep a gratitude journal. At first, I had to really push myself to write down 7-10 things that I feel grateful about - and now I can't stop - on a daily level, I have a gazillion things to feel thankful for...even in the midst of being tired or feeling low.

I want to post one or two things that keep coming up in my gratitude list:

1. My friends - from harlaam, to cologne, to brussels, to london, to istanbul, to roanoke, to new york to tokyo - I've got some really amazing friends and I feel truly lucky about that!

2. My family - crazy and fabulous - and always there for me!

3. My mind and my emotions- and I don't mean intelligence or ability to feel, but just an attitude - to look forward, to read, to rationalize and to emotionalize my thoughts. I'd like to take credit for this, like I've achieved this, but so much of it is what one is born with and the gifts your parents give you...

4. My privileged background that has allowed me to travel the world, meet interesting people, experience places, foods, and music of great beauty and diversity and to still have a safe space to come home to.

5. My financial comfort - even at my lowest earning point (in Toronto), I have always had enough money in the bank and in my life never to struggle or have to make decisions between x and y - very rarely has the normal flow of my life been interrupted by money, and I know I am spoilt by this!!

I don't know where 2008 will lead me - I know that life is not static and as I move forward, new doors are being opened and new pathways illuminated, and I hope, that I have the strength of character and sense of self, to choose wisely and with passion.

I do want to write more...I forgot about this blog...or maybe it was just an overwhelming sense of having to write what I'm going through. It is in thanks to my friend S, in NY, that I've returned to the blogosphere. And god, it feels good:-)