So, recent days have seen some real progress at work in terms of a new cycle of learning and growing. I'm working on some hard core Asia stuff now and dealing with political and well as policy and project based issues. Love it. But, wait up, work isn't supposed to be going so well that it hurts to leave! And here lies the whole bloody problem: I'm 30 and I've been brought up to believe that making something of myself (read successful job/career) is damn important. Parallel to this, is my own need to have a loving (read successfull) relationship and honestly, the unwritten expectation of society that I get married/settled. What I'm trying now is to get the best of both worlds - but to get one (love/the boy) I'll have to move (back) to the US. To keep the other, I probably will have to stay here in Brussels.
Look, in terms of what I do (migration), I'm in one of few places that people would give their left and maybe even right, arm for. And I'm going to give it away. That goes against what I've been openly told my whole life. But of course, in addition, the undercurrent of discussion, in my life, in my girlfriends' lives, etc is that true happiness is being with someone wonderful (and this message is not limited to the heterosexual chickies out there - it really is sold and applied to all women). AAAGH!!!
On top of all this is one fact I have to face - I really like my life here. I love my friends, I like who I am (confident, funny, open, balanced, nice, sane), I enjoy myself here fully. But I miss the boy and if I stayed would move to a better apt/without the flatmates. So, I could stay and change the boy and the apt. But I love the boy and want him too! waaah! why can't the sucker move here!! It is easy to change apt., but not the boy. And, deep down I can't help but think, is my life here so lovely because I don't have to deal with stupid (non) romance issues because of the very existence of the boy (far away)? By his presence in my life, I can focus on other stuff and enjoy myself and not care about dating, dates, love, sex and a future partner. If I compare my sitch to the truly single here - I do have the best of all worlds. The truly single in this city are a depressed lot - it is not easy to meet guys (ok, unless you want the boys in the gym).
Basically, I have to deal with leaving and the reality is, that on leaving, contrary to what I tell others, I will miss this damp, rainy, squishy, illogical, twisty city. There, I said it!
And worse, oh god, it gets worse...I'll be moving back to the US. America, oh America, the land of the free...I forget how Americans (both types - the intellectual and the mid-western) fucking annoy the shit out of me (sorry, bad language is needed)! I mean really get my goat either through their conservatism or their constant rebellions or their capitalism, isolationism, lack of awareness, and most of all, their apathy!!! I can't stand the apathy!
And my friends here are spunky, political, international, and vibrant. Can I repeat that there? I have wonderful friends in the US - but except for some rare gems (shout out to the girls in NY, bex, queen yasmeen etc) most are not American. And I have mixed feelings about the boy's friends (who are ALL American). What has got me on this rant? Well, I clicked through to my highschool web site - because of brown english muffin's blog and saw the photos of past people from ASL and all my annoyances with Americans came flooding back.
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is shit and 10 is wow(!), I realise that me, myself and I, is an 8 on the European continent (I love where I am and who I am and therefore am better/nicer etc), a 6-8 in Canada (medium and plodding a bit), a solid fabulous 9 in the UK (love em and love myself) and a real below 5 in the US. Maybe NY is different - but in NY I'm a bitch. I am.
Can I really then go back there for 5 to 6 years? More and more, as time draws near to Aug, I realise that if I don't have to play the contract game again, I'd like to stay for 2-3 months more. I'd also like to possibly work with the org in the US. And I would consider in 2 years of being in the States, looking to be away from the US (and sadly the boy) again for a year.
Hence the blog name -- the cinnamon peeler's wife in the poem (orig title) is passionate, in lust/love but also independent. Their is strength to the speaker (the cinnamon peeler) and to the woman/wife to be. By going back, I can't forget this me, the me who is 30, an adult, independent, fun, sexy, open, friendly and courageous. But that will be hard - almost forgot it in India and really missed Belgian ME, while I was in Goa. How can I not be Belgian ME in India or anywhere else? How can I export Belgian ME everywhere else? And why should locale have an effect on me to such an extent??????
Ok - one is the boys. I like the boys here, the boys like me, I feel sexier (even if nothing is ever done - its just the ambience). --- External validation
2. heels heels heels - structured clothing with bright colours, bit o' crazy style mixed with classic --- Exoticisation of me.
3. Understanding how it all works --- instincts functioning well here.
sigh... can't write more ...now just navel gazing. Basically, it is all in the attitude and my attitude is better in Europe. So, I have to break down the roots to this good attitude and transplant them elsewhere.
good night nowt!
