Economics and Me: Not quite in bed together

So I had the real pleasure today of talking to two good friends of mine (who've recently given birth to a beautiful baby girl), currently living in NY but soon to move west-coast side. While they shared a number of wise takes on their own experience at marriage etc., one of the topics we discussed, or should I say, I discussed, was the boy's economics degree. And what I realised is that I'm really disdainful of economists and economics - in a slightly ignorant and fearful way.

The fact is that currently graduate econ programmes seem to be male dominated. This in itself isn't bad, but it lends a certain tone to the department. In addition, as far as I can understand from my discussion with the econ folks, in the US at least, the accepted gospel is that a free market economy is the only successful way to go. There may be variations in what models work better or to what degree to restrict/encourage government intervention, monopolies etc, but the underlying belief is in economic equilibrium, or supply and demand is the true, natural law. But, to me, the inherent problem with supply and demand and the idea of the free market economy is the assumption that all the actors are rational and behaviour is dictated by free-will. [I don't want to espouse the notion that the gender tilt of the discipline is connected to its beliefs - but I can't help but wonder?]

I'm not a Marxist and barely a socialist any longer, and I understand that a controlled market can be limiting. I also openly profess enjoying the benefits of living my whole life within a free market economy. One of the benefits of a market maintaining equilibrium is the power of choice. But, I do have issues with not even questioning the free market and wondering if it, and the system is propagates - capitalism - doesn’t only benefit the few and hurt the majority.

Since the fall of the USSR, we've swung from having a bi-polar world models to out and out glorification of one model/school of thought only. People say that democracy won when the Berlin Wall fell, but I think the battle was actually between two different styles of economy, and if you look at the USSR and many of its ex-satellite nations today, the only winner has been capitalism. It is the one thing that seems to have taken root in ex-socialist and communist states with ease. Because of the USSR we associate socialism with a pure controlled market state and communism or some version of totalitarianism.

What we seem to find hard acknowledging is that models with different pairings (such as socialism and democracy) can work - granted such a pairing seems to exist on small scale situations - like Sweden and a commune in Oregan. To me capitalism is voracious and is a fundamentally uncaring system - if we add niceties to it, it’s like adding a frilly-collar to a pit bull. The very nature of capitalism is battle for control and the hunger to expand.

This leads me to the fact that econ departments or at least the one here, seem to be lagging behind in other schools of thoughts, many of which are products of post-post-modernism, ecological concerns, globalization and the end of the American dream. One such ne0-school is Participatory Economics. Of course, for such an alternative to what we are used to, to work, means changing our mind-set or attitude towards ownership, wealth, consumption and power. Granted it is, as the Wiki, so rightly puts, "an anarchistic economic vision", but it is a middle of the road attempt.

Having said all the above, my innate dislike of economics as a discipline arises from my grounding as a social scientist and as a child various arts and humanities departments. To me (and this is the irrational, phobic fear I'm determined to overcome), Econ is a social science that hates itself for not being treated with the gravity it thinks it deserves in an increasingly scientific and quantitative world. It’s the social science that sold out first and fastest. So, over the years, it has moved towards becoming more mathematical than some math departments and producing models that seem far removed from research, intuition, or qualitative analysis. In itself this isn’t bad, but in the end the application of economics lies in the social science arena and to have government policies set by people totally untrained to understand nuances or who cannot foresee ahead to a slightly unexpected scenario, is scary. The boy may or may not agree to a degree. We have been warned by a more senior Phd-er that this is a cult. And frankly, those you question the gospel will not reach nirvana.

But isn't that always the case?

Anyway, I'm re-attacking "Small is Beautiful" and my re-reading of various econ models through history in attempt to educate myself further and hopefully keep us balanced and on a more caring path. And to arm myself with some more coherent and logical arguments on why I dislike the current brand of economic thought being perpetuated rather that relying on the old “because they smell bad”.

Thoughts on sustaining sustainable living

For a long time I've considered trying to live a more eco-friendly life, which includes avoiding all-out consumerism. Now in our on place and in conjunction with the boy, we will try to live with a little more awareness. Today's article in the NYT's

(http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/22/garden/22impact.html?8dpc)

just reminded me of what we can do as urban dwellers, existing in our current, capitalist, consumer-oriented and globalised world. Everyone has to make their own choice as to what they can do and what they can give up. Like a diet and exercise, the key to me, is sustaining sustainability.

For us (the boy and me), we try not to use the car, taking public transport when possible or walking / scootering. We also try to minimise our shower times so as to reduce the amount of water we use. Same goes for washing dishes, brushing our teeth etc. We also actively recycle, not use heating extravagantly or air conditioning at all, and try to buy second hand when possible. None of these are amazing things and the steps still allow us to live our lives.

In terms of the 100 mile/250 mile radius rule, I don't know if I could give up spices honestly (though I could give up toilet paper) or eating out - food is central to my universe while things like shoes or toothpaste aren't. The image of the mason jar filled with veggies and cheese really freaked me out. While I'd like to eat more seasonally than I currently do, a life without ginger, garlic, chilli, cumin, onion and coriander seems very dismal.

I could not give up world travel for example. And so while airplane usage is one of the worst damagers of the environment, as a direct product of the airline industry and its role in globalisation, this particular point vexes me. I mean, my lifestyle growing up and moving around, which really allowed me all sorts of fabulous experiences, was thanks to the airlines. And the airlines - or the airplane - have allowed people like me to migrate with ease. On the other hand, I know that airplanes are such fuel guzzlers and I totally say yeah to the EU's carbon tax on airlines. So, while hyper-consumerism, which I find so prevalent in the US (and sadly more and more in India), very clearly leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I'm torn about how I feel about air travel - which to me is a world uniter (more than the UN). [Granted, we could see the world on a kontiki like raft but that isn't really viable for people with families spread around the globe and the passenger ships of today seem to be about offering las vegas like experiences on the sea - not that I'm dissing Vegas or all-you-can-eat midnight buffets.]

I can give up television and my cell phone - I've done both at different times of my life for months on end, without missing either. I could feasibly give up meat, though it would be a struggle. But, could I give up my computer or the internet? I think I'd be lost, but maybe like life sans TV, I'd easily adapt, manage, re-read old books and letters, write more by hand etc etc. So how sustainable can I be?

In the coming months, the boy and I (at my urging I suspect) are going to review our practices and see what else we can do...

one creative step at a time...

In an effort to focus on other things apart from my sorry state, I picked up this little yellow cabinet for $5 the other day and am using it as a dressing table. I also put some nails in the side and hung my jewelry off them...inside I'd like to put my art projects as they develop.


My next step is to decorate a branch and hang the rest of my numerous bracelets off it.


This little shrine to my attempts at art makes me really happy when I wake up in the morning, because it many ways, it is "my" corner. The cabinet, the decorations, the colour are all just "me".



This all doesn't seem complicated, right? But, for someone who could never colour in the lines and who draws a heart that looks like an upside down bum, its really quite a big jump for me...I have always dreamed of being a famous artist, but like being a famous singer, I kinda need at least an iota of talent to start.

Still, the US is the mother-land of (re) invention.

My upcoming project - my next step on the moon kinda thing is to try and alter a book. See modern gypsy's website on the altered page:
http://www.moderngypsy.com/green/alteredpage/index.html

Things I am thankful for and a break in sight

The boy has been particularly busy these past few days/week, as exams are looming. but the end is in sight and we are both excited for Spring Break - mentally filling it with tons of things we haven't been able to do so far. We did manage to go for a great hike on Saturday up to Topanga Canyon, which worked wonders for both of us - allowing the boy some space to vent his stress and providing me with some time to contemplate my marriage and my new life in LA (listening to Cesaria Evora on my ipod).

With my recent funk, everything has seemed darker and more negative than usual. I'd say, that while I am moody, I'm usually quite positive about my life and consider myself extremely lucky. I think I have been dealt a very good hand and have played it well enough. But the last few weeks have seen me question a lot of things and slowly hurt myself by my doubts. I totally gave in to the depression and couldn't see the bigger picture.

So here are some things I am really, and truly thankful for:

1. My parents - for their unstinting and constant love, their never-ending support and their principles of justice and equality for all - all of which have provide me with a secure saftey net; a strong framework within which every aspect of me was celebrated and nurtured, a sense of stability and support, which allowed for growth of self and the space and wings to fly and learn;

2. The boy - who is my partner, friend and lover and is so generous of spirit, his wallet, his mind and his heart;

3. My brother - who is turning 28 next week and is the best sibling around (granted also pretty damn intelligent and fun);

4. My godmother - who has always been like a second mother to me and is a good example of a beautiful and gentle soul in a cynical world;

5. The spirit and memory of my grandfather - this great guy who single handedly raised 3 wonderfully strong, intelligent and warm daughters (one of whom is my mother) and who really helped shape my core self and confidence through his love, wise words, his strength of character and his constant defense of the under dog;

6. My friends - old, new, family friends etc - how nice to have such a stimulating and caring extended family;

7. My in-laws for being good people with good hearts;

8. My sister-in-law to be - who is solid in personality and principles and will always look after my brother;

9. My life experiences - I've had the very blessed chance to travel the world, with my parents, with the boy, through my work and school, learn from some truly amazing and interesting people, eat fabulous food, enjoy sights and cities that are imprinted on my mind and live a life full of adventure and laughter;

10. My books - where would I have been without my books and reading? This must be one of the greatest gifts given to me by my family - all voracious readers. My books have transported me over the years to different places, made me ask questions, think through problems, deal with emotional issues and generally been good, loyal companions!

What the list above reminds me to do is to celebrate my life rather than let the weeks waste away in a morbid funk. I'm also reminded that what you give out is what you get - if I have a few months more before I can work, why not spend that time doing some volunteer work? I have always been committed to doing some volunteering on the side and the only time I stopped was in Brussels (partly because work took so much out of me and by its very nature allowed me to feel I was giving back). I should look into ESL teaching programmes run by the Church or community centres - that way I will get to work with migrants as well.

Come April and I promise to start building community here in LA!!! The first step is getting back my positive attitude and excitment for this new adventure!

Being an Urban Stepford Wife

I think I'm now almost an expert on the how to successfully become and be an Urban Stepford Wife (USW). There are of course some handicaps inflicted by living in an urban space, such as a lack of a garden, or a huge kitchen in which to cook 10-course meals. But, all you really need, apart from perseverance and good lighting, is tons of heavily chemicalised cleaning products, spaces to clean, an oven, cookie dough, heels and a skirt. A little, frilly apron helps as well.

Oh yes, and you need conviction that what you are doing really benefits the world, your marriage, your husband and God.

I'm a believer – why, just yesterday, after cleaning the kitchen and the two bathrooms, having made mint iced tea, dinner and done the laundry and finally truly lamenting the lack of a good vacuum cleaner, I felt like I'd transcended into a higher state of being. Of course, this could have just been thanks to the ton of chemicals I'd inhaled while on my knees, scrubbing the bath tube etc.

Being an USW allows one to not only carry out such mindless tasks daily, but to imbue them with a higher meaning – while all along living in a germ-free environment. I thank my lucky starts for giving me a chance to fulfill my-until-now, suppressed USW.

Getting to grips with life in LA

As I came out of my medical exam today - done very painlessly for the Green Card process - I started sobbing. Yes, in public, totally out of control. Thankfully, I had both a tissue at hand and my sunglasses to put on. This is the final wake up call to what seems to be 2 -3 weeks of solid depression. [I don't feel suicidal - I say this because my parents were worried by my silence - I've always been clear that I would never end my life because it would basically destroy too many other lives (my parents, my brother etc). But, I do feel the lowest that I've ever felt in my "almost" 32 years. ]

I expected to feel low with the move to LA and I was prepared for loneliness, lack of motivation etc but not this overwhelming sense of loss and constant questioning of all the decisions made in my life - where has this all come from? I think it’s a combination of feeling completely untethered from everything I've know recently. Yes, I have the boy, who tries his best to help, but he isn't really equipped to deal with other people's depression (to be fair - most people aren't good at handling either their or other's low swings). I think his response is all about action versus contemplation. I'm not ruling that out as the way to go... Anyway, through writing about this and simultaneously trying to "do" stuff, I hope to pull myself out of this funk. If I don't see an improvement in a month's time or if I see a further fall in a shorter span of time, I'll look into counseling.

Today's public and uncontrollable display of tears (and admittedly quite a lot of snot) really shocked me. My gym visits help a lot but I can't help but think that I really need to face and deal with the issues at hand and that however good I feel by running a few miles while listening to my ipod (my true saviour) is just a stop-gap cure.

What are the issues? Well, I think a loss of moorings - where am I? What have I done and what do I want to do? What do I want from this next phase in terms of emotional, physical and spiritual growth? What do I expect from the boy and what can I actually get in terms of emotional support and companionship? I've moved from being truly independent (as much as anyone is) to being dependent on one person for basically most of my needs. I don't have a social safety net and while arguably, I didn't have one on moving to either BRU or BUD or YVR or TO I had other multiple frameworks of reference (job, friends, purpose of move etc), which helped me develop a network around me very quickly. Also, while I landed here running, as I've done with other moves, this time around, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick out of the gate? I was so eager to suppress any low feelings (for the boy's sake as well as mine), that I just bottled everything and now it’s overflowing.

Here in LA I feel irrationally trapped. I also feel lost and unmoored. In many ways, my previous job was all that I had envisioned in terms of professional fulfillment - and I have no idea of what I want to do next - and what I can imagine, doesn't truly excite me (but does offer security and stability). I'm also in no-man's land in terms of what I expect as emotional or "love" goals. Ok, so now we are married, what next? How do we fill up the years - what new things can we discover about each other?

It's of course hard to be positive while feeling depressed and so even events or incidences that would normally give me hope, presently just create a minor blip on my radar. In this no man's land, my current compass is totally useless.

That I have to take back control of my life and emotions is obvious...just charting a way out is the difficult step.

Sigh...so much for landing running...I'm just hoping for standing up straight right now!